Adequacy front page
Stories Diaries Polls Users

Home About Topics Rejects Abortions
This is an archive site only. It is no longer maintained. You can not post comments. You can not make an account. Your email will not be read. Please read this page if you have questions.
 Assassinating the US President

 Author:  Topic:
Ever thought about assasinating the President of the United States of America? It's not as easy as you might think. Contained below is a detailed analysis of presidential assasination, covering method, motivation, and success/failure rates.

Disclaimer: The ideas contained herein are solely those of the author and do not represent any endorsement by Further, publicly discussing presidential assasination is not a terribly bright thing to do, and advocating it is quite illegal in the United States.

work in progress

More Unfinshed Works
Galileo was wrong: a laboratory proof
Implantable National Identification: Time for a Revolution
Only Pussies Don't Smoke
XXP: eXtreme eXtreme Programming
A message from the proprietor
Adequacy Under Attack
Less Courageous Than None
Lessons for an SA from 9/11
A Cultural Relativist Examines the Salem Witch Trials

One would think the methods of assassinating the US President would be quite varied, but in fact the only proven manner of doing so is the use of a firearm. Not only has no other device or technique ever been successful, but to the best of public knowledge there has only been one other attempted - the use of aircraft.

In our nation's history only one individual has tried to assassinate the President with an aircraft,and he failed rather spectacularly. I realize that some may wish to include a particular flight on September 11th, 2001 as an attempt to kill George W. Bush, but that can not be conclusively proven to be an assassination attempt. As for Frank Eugene Corder and the Cessna he improperly parked on the White House lawn in 1994 (curiously, also on September 11th), there is ample evidence that he had no desire to murder William Jefferson Clinton. According to a White House Security Review, "Corder was attempting to fulfill an ambition he had expressed to friends to kill himself 'in a big way' by flying an airplane into the White House". He did a good job on the suicide end, but damage to the actual building was minimal.

Our sole, bonafide, would-be arial assassin is none other than Samuel Byck, chief orchestrator and sole member of "Operation Pandora's Box". Pandora was to be unleashed on February 22, 1974 through Byck's hijacking of a commercial jetliner from Baltimore-Washington International Airport and crashing it into the White House. His target was "Tricky Dick" Nixon. Poor Sam never even made it off the ground though. After a brief cockpit struggle in which he fatally shot the pilot and copilot, and was himself shot twice by the police (although they missed once and shot a passenger in the thigh), Byck put his gun to his right temple and blew his brains all over the instrument panel.

The lesson here is that only guns kill presidents. Aircraft just don't work.


Unlike the methods of assassination, the different motivations for it are quite broad. Sammy the Erstwhile Hijacker, for example, became quite convinced that Richard Nixon was personally responsible for Byck's own total failure as a businessman, father, husband, political protestor, and department store Santa Clause. Here's a rundown of the other driving forces.

On January 30, 1835, Richard Lawrence took up arms against Andrew Jackson for what Lawrence believed to be a presidential conspiracy to keep him poor. He attempted to fire his weapon at the President twice, yet no bullet was discharged on either occassion. Jackson became enraged and began to beat Lawrence with a cane. Lawrence did succeed to a degree though, and never had to worry about finances for the rest of his life. He spent his remaining years in the loony bin.

Colored Folk
John Wilkes Booth was not very fond of his African-American bretheren. A staunch Confederate during the Civil War, he crafted a plot to kidnap Abraham Lincoln and ransom him for the return of Confederate prisoners. That plan fell apart when Lincoln made a last-minute change of plans and didn't show up for his scheduled kidnapping. Three weeks later Robert E. Lee surrendered, and soon after Lincoln gave a speech in which he suggested that voting rights be granted to certain blacks. Booth was not pleased.

The kidnapping co-conspirators were regrouped for a much bolder attack, one which was to fell Lincoln, Vice-President Andrew Johnson, and Secretary of State William Seward, all at 10:15 PM on April 14. Johnson wasn't touched and Seward survived a half-assed stabbing, but Lincoln got a bullet in the skull at point blank range. Booth then fled (with a broken fibula, no less), although he was caught a few days later and shot dead by an overzealous seargent. Several of his partners in crime were imprisoned for life, and one managed to escape to Europe. The rest were hung. As of this writing the Southern Rebellion has failed to flare back up in any meaningful way. Sic Semper Tyrannis, indeed.

Poor Social Skills
Charles Julius Guiteau really really wanted to be Ambassador to France. Unfortunately he was also an extremely creepy and repugnant freak, and was repeatedly denied the position by President James Garfield. He was also denied any and all other positions in the federal government, and was even banned from the White House for weirding out the staff too much. So, of course, he shot Garfield in the back at the train station.

Eventually Garfield died, but there have been several very compelling arguments made that he was not in fact killed by Guiteau's bullet. Most history scholars seem to feel that Garfield's doctors were to blame for his death. Seems these latter-day Doubting Thomases (sixteen of them, to be exact) could think of nothing better to do than repeatedly probe the bullet wound with their unwashed fingers. Garfield wasn't killed by the trauma of impact, he was killed by infection. Had they simply bandaged the hole and let him be he probably would have finished out his term.

Among the more interesting attempts at curing Garfield of his non-lethal gun shot wound was the use of a primitive metal detector (to find the bullet that all that finger probing failed to locate), operated by non other than Alexander Graham Bell. The test was done with Garfield lying on a matress full of metal springs. The test failed. As for Guiteau's ambassadorship, he never was appointed to it. He dangled from a noose for his gunplay instead.

The problem with anarchy is that it's so hard to get the advocates organized. This didn't deter Leon Czolgosz, however. Despite being rebuffed from several anarchist groups, he lone-wolfed it and decided to single handedly bring about the downfall of order. He plugged William McKinley in the gut with a couple rounds at the Pan American Exposition of 1901 in Buffalo, NY, killing him.

Yet despite Czolgosz's selfless dedication to the cause, anarchy never really caught on in the US. Instead, McKinley's assassination brought about a backlash against the anarchists, and they were hunted down and publicly shamed for the deed they didn't commit. Czolgosz, on the other hand, got to try out one of Capitalism's technological marvels - the electric chair. It worked perfectly.

Term Limits
In the US you're only allowed to serve two consecutive terms as president. This wasn't made law until 1951, but the unofficial rules were a bit vague prior to the passing of the 22nd Amendment. What were you supposed to do if you were Vice President and
some anarchist assassinates your boss in the first year of his term, and you are then re-elected a little over three years later? You haven't really done a full 8 year stint, but you still respect the tradition set out by George Washington, right? Tough choice.

If you're Theodore Roosevelt, you take four years off at the end of the second term, and then return to the stage for another shot in 1912 under the incomprehensible politcal party name of "Bull Moose". If you're John Schrenk, you take serious umbrage at Roosevelt's audacity and you fire a bullet into his chest. Of course if you're the sort of serious hard-ass Rough Rider that Teddy Roosevelt was, you ignore the bullet lodged in your chest and give your scheduled speech anyway, and delay passing out from your injury until afterwards.

Teddy Roosevelt really wasn't the sort of guy you wanted to fuck with, even if they did name a silly stuffed bear after him.

Sore Tummy
Diminutive Guiseppe Zangara, born in 1900 in Ferruzzano, Italy, had a bellyache. Those Italians always place heavy emphasis on family, so naturally he blamed his father for the abdominal pain that was slowly driving him mad. Apparently Guiseppe felt that the Italian government should help him with his paternal difficulties, but the lousy Capitalists showed no interest in his plight. He plotted to take down King Victor Emmanuel III in retaliation, but prior to executing his plans Zangara emigrated to the US to be a brick layer instead .

Unfortunately, the new climate failed to cure his ills. Guiseppe later traveled to Panama and finally settled in Miami in the hopes that a warm climate would ease his gastro-intestinal distress, but all for naught. Clearly it was not locale but Capitalism that was to blame (and dear old Papa, of course). The solution, obviously, was to assassinate Herbert Hoover, who (according to popular opinion at the time, at least as far as Guiseppe could tell) was somehow solely responsible for the Great Depression - which was the result of Capitalism, which failed to stop Guiseppe's father from inflicting Guiseppes with stomache pains - through the means of... something diabolical, we assume.

However, Zangara's plans were cut short when Hoover managed to lose the 1932 election to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Zangara was a real trooper though, and he adapted to this new situation quickly enough. On February 13, 1933, he purchased a handgun with the intent of traveling to Washington to take care of FDR. While waiting for his bus he spied a newspaper headline announcing the President's planned arrival in Miami on February 15th! Guiseppe deliberately missed the bus and stayed in Miami, plotting his grand plans.

Two days later Roosevelt arrived at Bayfront Park for his scheduled speech. Zangara was in the crowd, trying his damndest to draw a bead on the POTUS, but his five foot frame made it difficult to see. He clambored onto a chair in frustration, and finally Roosevelt was in his sights! Guiseppe squeezed the trigger of his .32 once, twice, three, four, FIVE times! Bullets whizzed through the air with lethal alacrity! Each bullet found a human target! There's the mayor of Chicago, Anton Cermak, taking a round! Five shots, and five filthy capitalists struck down by Guiseppe's fiery abdominal rage!

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was not one of the five people hit.

Guiseppe missed. Guiseppe was arrested. Guiseppe went to trial for attempted presidential assissnation. Guiseppe was found guilty. Guiseppe fried in the elctric chair.

It may be easy to shrug off Zangara's poor marksmanship and abysmal failure, but he had the last word. At his trial he lashed out at his oppressors, shouting, "You give me electric chair. I no afraid of that chair! You're one of capitalists. You is crook man too. Put me in electric chair. I no care!" Continuing his stubborn defiance of those who would afflict an innocent with the agony of belly blight, just before they threw the switch he obstinately procliamed, "Lousy capitalists! No picture! Capitalists! No one here to take my picture. All capitalists lousy bunch of crooks. Go ahead. Push the button!"

Incidentally, Guiseppe's post-arrest physical examination revealed that he was suffering from severe ulcers.

Truman/PR Nationalists

Mob/Castro/J. Edgar Hoover/Or Maybe Just Oswald, Who Did It For No Clear Reason At All

Helter Skelter

Rejection by Peers

Jodie Foster

Talk Radio



All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. Comments are owned by the Poster. The Rest ® 2001, 2002, 2003 The name, logo, symbol, and taglines "News for Grown-Ups", "Most Controversial Site on the Internet", "Linux Zealot", and "He just loves Open Source Software", and the RGB color value: D7D7D7 are trademarks of No part of this site may be republished or reproduced in whatever form without prior written permission by and, if and when applicable, prior written permission by the contributing author(s), artist(s), or user(s). Any inquiries are directed to