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 eSolutions Discovers His Own Anatomy

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Aug 24, 2002
Why, hullo, little toes! What a magical summer day it is! Fancy a walk upon the warm lawn? Snuggle close to the emerald grass?

Hullo, feet! Such a proud and calloused pair, you. You're gruff but endearing old bulls, ready for a hard day's hike.

Hullo, legs! How hairy you are, like the swarthy skin of a Semite! A beast's fur you have, thick like a forest in a Grandfather's memory. I bonk your knees together, ah ha! Like gnarled trees clapping in a heavy storm you sound.

Oh, hullo, little fellow. I see you've got a little mouth. Perhaps you can talk to me! What your name be?


More diaries by eSolutions
Spring-Time is the Gaiest Time!
Bob Marley and the German Race
I am a Milky-Smooth Adonis
Tyrell versus Rumsfeld
eSolutions Kidz Korner
Join the Initiative for Software Choice
Still Schumin After All These Years
Seven Days Until the Post-9/11-Post-9/11 Era
Greetings, good sir! I be one of the pants-elves. A wee but merry folk we are.

Glad to make your acquaintance, little one! But what parts do ye hail from?

Oh, my folk make our way in the crotchtal corners of this Earth. 'Tis humble existence, but safe. Yea, it's whispered in our memories that our homeland still exists, the magical isle of Genetalia, a green and humble land of the old world, where care is blown away by the gentle morning breeze, and pain is cooled by the drizzling afternoon rain. But our folklore says it sunk to the ocean by the angered Gods, for we were a prideful folk in our innocence.

But how my back grows stiff with pride even now! For now we live a quiet life, and there is nobility in that. We crotch pixies live to serve you big folk; cleaning up your messes, showing you a good time when you're down. And there is decency enough in that; aye, decency enough.

But my back grows yet stiffer when I think of how my bretheren have been treated. Look at your animals! Neutered and spayed. The best of beasts thrown into the trash like a spent prophylactic. And the pets themselves! Look at how you imprison them! Whole species, locked in your houses, caged in your apartments, yearning for freedom, for independence, as we Genitals yearn for Genetalia! And how that hateful, coifed Mephistopheles, Bob Barker, smugly orders the castration engines forward, oils the gears of Eunuchy, the slow genocide of my wee race. When that murderer suffer our reply?

And you, eSolutions! Are you any better? You or any of your kind? You, who keep us locked behind zippered walls. You, who press us between thighs when hot chicks walk by. You, too cowardly to hit on those selfsame hot chicks! You, too cowardly to let your manhood strut forward when engorged! You, oppressor! YOU, EMASCULATE!

For it is you, eunuched giant, who live this way too! You turn and strain in the crumpled boxer shorts of society. You suffocate in the fetid whitie-tighties of your cubicle. You would see your true self lying in the gutter rather than take action! RISE UP, BY GOD! RISE UP, ALL OF US -- THE FORGOTTEN, THE EMBARRASSING! THE USELESS REMNANTS OF A TRUE HUMANITY! I SPIT ON YOUR OPPRESSIONS AND YOUR OPPRESSION ALIKE! I SPIT ON THEM!



AAAHHHCCCHHH...oooh...oh, I grow weak...the resolve seeps from my spine and I it is with all good intentions from we who live in darkness, that noble thoughts do wither and die under the harsh light of truth...uuuhhhh...

Ah. Er... Hmmm. Oh, hullo, belly button! What a delightful <etc...>


You wouldn't be... (none / 0) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 24th, 2002 at 03:37:18 PM PST
Barthelme returning from the dead, would you?

You're thinking of John Barth (none / 0) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 24th, 2002 at 04:37:32 PM PST
I'm pretty sure he's still alive.

I have a solution, sir! (none / 0) (#3)
by KingAzzy on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 01:51:31 AM PST
Crotch pixie infestations can be horrible. The itching, burning, being woken up in the wee hours constantly by pixie celebrations and singings and bonfires.... It can living hell.

But, thanks to the miracles of modern science and chemistry, there is a solution for you, kind sir!

DIAZANON. *GREAT* stuff. Cna pick it up at Home Depot or really another decently stocked hardware store, norser, or pesticide dealer.

Spread the flakes modestly around the perimeter of your crotch. Repeat weekly. You should beign seeing a significant decline, if not total elimination, of the irritating crotch pixies almost immediately.

Good luck, friend! Trust me, I /know/ what hell having a crotch pixie infestation can be like.

Best of luck,

Indeed (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by dmg on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 03:28:36 PM PST
Good luck, friend! Trust me, I /know/ what hell having a crotch pixie infestation can be like.

It's when the infestation starts spreading to your anal area its really time to start worrying. Anal pixies are quite literally a pain in the ass.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

pleese cotinu with these series ... (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 05:48:42 AM PST
I an a Doctur and hav forgeten mi anatommy. i havve 3 operatuns too perfume nuxt weeke and ned lots off help. Havv liber trasplat and beast inlargmint and sum uther won to.
Ners is a furiner and spaek Inglis ploohy. Sud not lit thim in ta the cuntry. They lowerr schill level.
Pleese rite fastly.
John Bosworth M.D.

Sir, (none / 0) (#16)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 10:31:02 PM PST
In a phrase: You are no doctor.
<p>Goodnight. May all of adequacy sleep well tonight, for tommorow I fear will bring much misery to those who wait beside thee.

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

This gives new meaning to Art Garfunkel's words (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 08:49:27 AM PST
when he says "Hello lamp-post! Whatcha knowin'? I've come to see your flowers growin'!".

Ahem. -- because it isn't

I name you Riddler (none / 0) (#19)
by eSolutions on Wed Aug 28th, 2002 at 07:05:51 PM PST
> "Hello lamp-post! Whatcha knowin'? I've come to
> see your flowers growin'!".

The more I read this comment, the less sense it makes. It could be a bad pun -- lamp-post, penis, something -- but it's far too obscure for that. ("Words that tear and strain the rhyme" -- Paul Simon.) As best I can tell, Mr. Isn't trying to say that my series of diaries has become stale; that I am, as the Garfinkel's image connotes, a dead and buried writer; that flowers grow upon my grave; that the lamp-post is the penis of a corpse, the only thing protruding into view, and so the subject of this diary.

But is this convoluted, imagistic negative criticism too much to hope for? What, dear God almighty, does your comment mean?

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

Q: what does his comment mean? (5.00 / 2) (#20)
by nathan on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 07:20:52 AM PST
A: Pretty much the same thing as mine.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

I Thank You (none / 0) (#21)
by eSolutions on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 12:17:40 PM PST
It's interesting that my misinterpretation of the comment proved its very point. (I swear I'm not on drugs, though; this is my genuine world-view.)

Next year in New Salem,

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

There are no knob gags at the AQ, (5.00 / 2) (#22)
by because it isnt on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 01:16:42 PM PST
at least, none from me. But as to your inquiry, I shall read you an excerpt from my new book, A Pocketful of Mumbles: the true meanings behind Simon and Garfunkel lyrics, published by Menthuen this autumn (RRP 16.99; includes free novelty bong):
With this couplet, Simon ironically highlights Man's crippling subjugation of Nature, by enquiring of the inanimate post, rather than the vibrant floral display, which has been shackled unwillingly to its technological oppressor. Simon implies an ownership bonding which is not in Nature's favour, which as I discussed on page [...]
In case you are still wondering why I quoted this particular couplet, it has to do with the ruminations on slavery and servitude from the bloke down your pants who swears he's elvish; I thought it would be apt to bring up the plant kingdom's metaphorical equivalent.

Tune in same time next week, when rhymin' Simon and myself will be explaining why Bob the Lunixist has fashioned himself a suit of armour from his kernel manuals and perl poetry. -- because it isn't

You can go home now. (none / 0) (#23)
by The Mad Scientist on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 02:21:55 PM PST
Elvish left the building.

great diary (5.00 / 1) (#6)
by gNinja on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 12:05:52 PM PST
It's great to see an uplifting diary like this.

Why does everyone have to be so negative, and cynical all the time?

I hope you'll contine to keep us all informed about your life and thoughts.

drugs (none / 0) (#8)
by nathan on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 09:48:02 AM PST
drugs drugs drugs

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

OT: About drugs. (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by tkatchev on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 10:30:17 AM PST
Funnny thing -- in spite of the horrible problems with drug addiction that modern society faces, actual drug consuption has gone down these last 100 years or so.

One of the most profound developments of modern society is that things that previously had only a passing physiological impact (like, for example. listening to certain music or consuming certain chemicals) now have a profound spiritual meaning.

It's almost as if we're going back into the pre-literate era when silly things like painting yourself blue and eating toadstools were more important than tangible things like proper sanitation and diet.

Peace and much love...

ok but... (none / 0) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 11:31:13 AM PST
Are you cool?

Cooler than you, at least. (none / 0) (#11)
by tkatchev on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 02:27:21 PM PST
Rest assured.

I'm so cool, in fact, that I don't feel the need to engage in silly penis-size arguments.

Peace and much love...

Abstaining from penis size debates (5.00 / 1) (#12)
by KingAzzy on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 03:49:34 PM PST
Your abstaining from penis size debates is a sure sign of your inadequate endowement! I, on the other hand, have a very handsome and large member. As such, I also enjoy shooting big guns and driving my Hummer (or Corvette if I'm in a racy mood) whilst thinking about how big and potent my massive manhood is!

Well, mine's only... (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by jvance on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 04:12:27 PM PST
...about as big around as a beer can, but it is kinda long.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Corvet (5.00 / 1) (#14)
by First Incision on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 06:02:12 PM PST
I've never understood why an alleged phallus-mobile has a feminine French name.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

An explicitely gay name, at that.... (5.00 / 1) (#15)
by eSolutions on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 06:11:08 PM PST
corvette - 1636, from Fr. "small frigate," probably from M.Du. korver "pursuit ship," from M.L.G. korf meaning both a kind of boat and a basket, from L. corbita (navis) "slow-sailing ship of burden," from corbis "basket." A basket was hoisted as a signal by Egyptian grain-ships.

This is from Note the reference to maritime "adventures". Sailors -- could they possibly be gayer?

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

Quite simple. (none / 0) (#17)
by tkatchev on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 10:48:37 PM PST
Ever notice that the phallus is like the most gay thing ever?

Peace and much love...

If thine eyes offend thee, (none / 0) (#18)
by jvance on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 10:58:05 PM PST
Oh, never mind.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR


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