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 Allow me to introduce myself

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Aug 22, 2002
I am your intellectual superior. Although I haven't met you, and you certainly haven't met me, I can say without fear of contradiction that I could easily outthink any of you who might happen to be reading this. It's really very fortunate for you that you found out about me. You should definitely keep reading this message. It could change the way you think about the human race. Specifically, you will learn to see the human race as an ugly morass of undifferentiated mediocrity whose sole exception is me, and some people who are a lot like me.
I suspect you aren't very much like me, though. Clearly you have a lot to learn. That's why I'm here. I'm here to teach. You will have noticed throughout your life that many teachers tell lies, either to deliberately deceive, or because they themselves have been deceived. You will get no such mendacity from me. Every word I say is guaranteed true, one hundred and ten percent true.

My careful research and complete lack of imagination ensure that I will never be caught lying. Indeed, my mind is so supremely rational, and my soul so subdued that I don't have dreams. Instead, my subconsious mind visits me at night in a grey three-piece suit. We talk about politics and military strategy. Sometimes we discuss mathematics. He takes his tea with sugar. I take mine without.

A mind like mine is precisely what the world needs right now, with a probability of over seventy-five percent. I'm very interested in technology. I assert that the internet has been of immense and palpable benefit to all humankind. I am equally certain that the use of gender-neutral pronouns will not perceptibly reduce sexism .

Let me begin this paragraph by saying, art is finished. No doubt there are people who disagree with me. I can assure you, they are wrong. I hope I don't have to explain relativism to you. Relativism means that everything is really art, even things that aren't art. Also, everything is moral, even things that are decadent. Decadence is especially moral, so moral in fact, that we don't even say "decadent" any more. The word has no meaning in the modern context.

Something that has had me vexed for some time now is the culture of liars. The world is full of people who deliberately abuse their free speech rights to say things which I know to be untrue. I cannot accept this. It is time for people to learn that free speech does not mean the freedom to lie. Lying is immoral, and it is clearly impossible for one moral right (free speech) to be used to support an act of immorality. I hereby condemn all liars. For this reason, I will be requiring extensive sources and references from people who seek to disagree with me, and who would falsely present a fallacious set of facts in support of their untruths. If you find yourself in disagreement with me, I suggest you examine your assumptions very carefully. You are bound to be wrong. I'd be happy to help you found the source of your error. To do less would be ungentlemanly

I look forward to educating many of you. Did I mention my expertise in Intellecual Property? Or my advanced interests in philosophy and superconductors? If I haven't yet, I soon will.

Next week: How to be learned


Meow! (none / 0) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 03:49:06 AM PST
Dear Sir,

After reading your post, I decided not to be part of the human race anymore.

I want to be a cat. What do you think? Not that I care too much, I have already the mind of the cat.

Re: Meow (4.00 / 1) (#16)
by KingAzzy on Mon Aug 26th, 2002 at 02:58:47 PM PST
meow meow meow preisdents of the united states meow meow henrietta pussycat meow kitty!

Look! I'm biting! I'm biting! (none / 0) (#2)
by jvance on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 08:13:36 AM PST
If, as you say, everything is moral, then nothing can be immoral. Yet you say lying is immoral. This is a contradiction. Since you state that you are intellectually superior, this cannot be due to error. Therefore, I can only conclude that you are lying.

Good day, sir.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

I hope he didn't hurt your brain... (none / 0) (#3)
by First Incision on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 11:17:57 AM PST
He sure hurt mine. He stated that art is finished. This would be a truth. He also stated that relativism means all things are art. Since nothing is art, relativism must be false. He proceeds to specify some of the lies stemming from relativist thinking.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Brain-riddles test smar-telligence (none / 0) (#4)
by eSolutions on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 04:24:13 PM PST
When I interviewed for my current job, I was asked several riddles. My ability in solving them was used to test my intellectualism and intelligent. Here they are three of them, would you like to try them out..... ????

1) Two Irish-men wish to murder five white children. How can they do this without the children running away? (Hint: By converting a child to Catholicism, he can be made to murder his former friends.)

2) Suppose you had two condoms and three prostitutes. You have no arms and no legs, and neither do the prostitutes, except for one of them, who has one arm, and so can hold you up by your hair while you fuck her by gyrating your neck to swing your torso, and similarly she can enable your fucking of the other prostitutes in a likewise fashion.

Each prostitute has two holes that require a condom to be fucked (the anus and vagina), and one that does not (the mouth). You have one hole that requires a condom to be fucked (your anus) and one that does not (your mouth.) (You are, of course, male.) The "armed" prostitute can fist you or the other prostitutes, or herself, but requires a condom for vagina or anus, and this counts as a fucking of that hole.

Describe how all holes, including yours, can be fucked using only two condoms. You will need to "think outside the box" if you'll pardon the pun.

3) A web-site posts "troll" posts to attract posts from angry unsuspecting web-surfers. As traffic dies off due to a lack of DRM on the web-site (the posts are pirated mercilessly), former "trolls" pretend to be outraged readers to keep the site interesting.

Thus we have two groups of people who always lie (the troll posters and the fake outraged replies), and one group that always tells the truth (the genuinely clueless readers.) Describe how, *asking only one question*, you can tell which group is which.

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

You call this a challenge? (none / 0) (#5)
by jvance on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 04:53:00 PM PST
1) Bomb a protestant playground. The hint is a red herring.

2) Reuse the condoms. One for Miss Fist, one for you.

3) "Are you Bob Abooey"?

So how can I get a job there?
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

No that is not right (none / 0) (#6)
by eSolutions on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 05:08:24 PM PST
The condoms cannot be reused for they are condoms and for protection and for her pleasure if ribbed. So you really do need to think an a new way. You're first answer was righ thought.


------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

In that case, (none / 0) (#7)
by jvance on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 08:41:07 PM PST
1) Use the two condoms to fuck the one-armed bitch in the cunt and ass.

2a) When she's deep throating you, she bites off your genitalia at the base of the scrotum, and then dips it in disinfectent. After applying a tourniquet to keep the member turgid, she fucks the other whores and you with it. No need for a condom now, since your chances of catching anything this way are zero.

2b) Alternately, the one-armed bitch borrows eight sticks of dynamite from her two Irish friends, sticks them in the remaining orifices, lights them, and thus royally fucks everyone else.

What do I win?
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Yet Another Solution (none / 0) (#8)
by jvance on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 08:48:58 PM PST
Go down to the basement, knock on the Building Superintendent's door, and tell him you'll trade the barometer for a twelve-pack of condoms.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Sorry... (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by Alex K on Sat Aug 24th, 2002 at 04:41:58 PM PST
I think you are a stuck up, arrogant, ignorant asshole. Do you know what the word modesty is? I think that you could deal with a fair dose of that quality as you seem to be lacking.

That's It. (3.00 / 2) (#10)
by jvance on Sat Aug 24th, 2002 at 06:20:42 PM PST
You're obviously a troll. While a good troll is indistinguishable from idiocy, it simply isn't possible for anyone to be as stupid as you appear to be and still manage to operate a web browser.

Please go away now. This site has a strict policy concerning people like you.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Wow! (none / 0) (#11)
by Naive Fool on Sat Aug 24th, 2002 at 11:32:42 PM PST
Truly a unique mind. A new Neitchze. Is he serious? Does he believe is own nonsensical rantings? In Neitchze's case, it is too late. His supporters (those worth talking to, at least) will tell you that not a word left his mouth that wasn't 100% sarcastic. His critics take him at face value and miss the fact that his entire opus was one gigantic troll. 100 years ahead of his time. A towering genius such as the world will not see again. But wait... Yonder breaks a new dawn, and Billy Frankman will show us the way. Take me into the light, Billy. Teach me to rise above my slave mentality and become a master. Show me the way of the Ubermensch, that I may wallow in hypocrisy and my own feces like a Republican Senator. Truly a new day has come, where might makes right and volume, or hubris, makes might.

Is that how you spell Nietzsche? (none / 0) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 01:57:58 AM PST

It's how I spell it :-P (none / 0) (#17)
by Naive Fool on Wed Aug 28th, 2002 at 02:38:58 PM PST
No. My bad.

Yes, (none / 0) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 02:57:38 AM PST
But where exactly?

Superconductors? (none / 0) (#14)
by The Mad Scientist on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 03:46:22 AM PST
Cool toys!

Got to play with some type-2 ones.

You can always tell them from their names.... (none / 0) (#15)
by PotatoError on Sun Aug 25th, 2002 at 02:04:22 PM PST
or is it just me?


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