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Icelandic women are
ok if you like that sort of thing 36%
highly intelligent 0%
the most beautiful. 5%
don't bother me now, I've got an airplane to catch 10%
really nice people 7%
untrustworthy 21%

Votes: 38

 Stocks Crash - Adequacy linked

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Aug 21, 2002
On Wall Street today the market fell sharply, the Dow down 25%, the NASQAD down 35% and the S&P500 down 27%. Some $260 billion were wiped of the value of the market. Reports are trickling in of investors commiting suicide after hearing the news and realising the implications for their financial future.

Analysts were uncertain as to the trigger for this haemorrage in market value.

Further investigations by your reporter raised a horrific prospect in which the Adequacy editors play a leading role.

How could the seemingly august editors of this famous media organisation be implicated in this record fall on the US stock market?


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It seems that last night a secretary of a floor trader at the New York Stock Exchange happened upon the Adequacy site. And found Pope to Apologise on Oprah in which an attached poll had the editors rated as moral by 60% of readers. For reasons outlined below this finding spurred the secretary to contact her work collegues. Quickly a wildfire of frantic dialing spread the news amongst staff of the NYSE.

To understand why this news was so conflagratory we must move back two months. It seems that in early June the Adequacy editors used their press passes to gain access to the Exchange floor.

Mike, a futures broker takes up the story. "Well it was late , the markets were closing and everyone was winding down, it was then that I noticed some journalists interviewing other traders, they sure had style, plying the interviewees with Bollinger, handing out Bluetooth PDAs, we were all milling round waiting for our chance to be with these very charismatic people. The place began to have a buzz to it. So I get my chance to talk and rattle of some impressive predictions as to where the markets are headed. By the time I finished half the glass of champagne the room began to feel more raunchy. Someone had put some acid house on the PA and the interviewers eyes began to send out sparks. Next thing I found myself dancing. I had this overpowering urge to feel the air moving on my bare skin and so pulled my clothes off. Looking round I saw a writhing mass of brokers and staff pulsing in time with the music, flailing like they were dancing on an electric grid at 50000V. What really caught my attention though was the Adequacy people - they stood still, immobile in this swirling turmoil, like marble Greek gods, fully clothed, omnipotent. Then the tallest one of them opened a large suitcase. It was full of gerbils!!! Its hard to remember more - the music changed then and I think the vibe became more... demonic? - I cant remember any more ... just flashing lights and some sort of samba line dancing and then... no thats all.

Next thing I remember is waking up on the carpeted floor, I'm naked and two traders are using my thighs as pillows and I look at my watch and the market is opening in 20 minutes!!! A few people were whimpering, half awake. So I get up and start rolling people over looking for my clothes . Which woke people up - somehow we all got it together for the bell.

There was no sign of the Adequacy people .

After, we all pretended that the whole thing had never happened, and didn't talk about it with each other. Though sometimes if I looked round quickly I'd catch somone looking at me with a strange expression on their face. I found myself doing the same thing, wondering what?, where?, you? I guess we were all real jumpy too.

So when I heard about the Adequacy poll results... well the world seemed to fold in on me... somehow 55% of readers could not see what the editors are really like, could not see their total moral and ethical bankruptcy. To me and everyone else here it was as plain as day ... I have frequent nightmares and flashbacks about the first time I went to the toilet after the party and ... its hard to say this ....and, Oh God... passed a gerbil ... Oh God.....(sobbing) Anyway, all of us here know exactly what sort of fiends they are. Therefore it was starkly obvious that the ability of investors to judge the trustworthiness of CEOs is zero. Meaning that all stocks are all massively overvalued! Enron and World.Com are only the leading edge of a spreading icesheet that will destroy the markets totally!"

Mike's sad story and devastated confidence is echoed in all who will admit to being there on that fateful night in June. In fact Mike's story was used for this article as it was the least obscene and most coherent of the 59 interviews taken by your reporter.

One question remains: Is this disaster the unforseen product of high spirited fun and a faulty moral compass or have the Adequacy editors gone short on the market and planned the the destruction of Western Civilization for their own selfish financial gain?

Tomorrow: Read of the ties emerging between the secretary who "found" the poll and the Adequacy organisation. An interview with a Columbian who remained conscious for the whole party will cast light on both the debauchery and the background of the editors.


why is it a swedish (none / 0) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Aug 21st, 2002 at 09:50:51 AM PST
100 kronors bill on the symbol for money...

Redistributing copies (none / 0) (#3)
by Raised by Communists on Wed Aug 21st, 2002 at 08:44:21 PM PST
of dollar bills is illegal. Something to do with counterfeitting. Swedish "money" is probably exempt.

I have heard $4 or $5 trillian (none / 0) (#4)
by madtimebat on Thu Aug 22nd, 2002 at 01:34:54 AM PST
I don't know where you got that $260 billion, but I have been hearing $4 or $5 trillian (which is about half a year of American GNP). A lot of people think all and all it will be about $10 trillian before it is all over.

Anyway, it is a sad statement on America's executives that they lacked the honesty to live without regulations. I guess we really needed the SEC after all.

4 or 5 Trillian!? (none / 0) (#5)
by jvance on Fri Aug 23rd, 2002 at 01:20:06 PM PST
You mean they cloned her? I guess that makes sense - after all, Zaphod has got two heads.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR


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