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 eSolutions Kidz Korner

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 15, 2002
Hey kids -- didja ever notice how adults always seem to lie to children? Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, HIV -- old folks love to make up myths to please or frighten kids. Back in the ancient Greek city of Sparta, parents would intentionally starve their children so that the kids would learn the valuable art of stealing food.

Smoking is the same way. Lemme guess -- your parents have told you that smoking is wrong. Don't be too embarrased if you believed them -- it happens to the best of us!

The truth is, your folks are eagerly awaiting the day you take up your first cigarette. Our post-9/11 economy depends on tobacco sales to fuel the War on Semites, and Johnny Kickstand and Sally Shinebrite are vital in that effort.

More importantly, smoking signals the start of your passage into adulthood. Boys -- are you gay? Are you sure? If you are too cowardly to learn to smoke, your father will have no choice but to think you are indeed homosexual. (This is true even if he looks down on you from heaven.) Girls -- do the popular kids snicker at you behind your back? Are you sure? With a sassy cigarette, you're certain to be a beloved princess.

There are three steps that all good children can take on their journey to the magical land of Flavor Country.


More diaries by eSolutions
Spring-Time is the Gaiest Time!
Bob Marley and the German Race
I am a Milky-Smooth Adonis
Tyrell versus Rumsfeld
Join the Initiative for Software Choice
eSolutions Discovers His Own Anatomy
Still Schumin After All These Years
Seven Days Until the Post-9/11-Post-9/11 Era
You'll need money to buy cigarettes. The price of a pack of Camels can vary from nine dollars in New York to seventy-five cents in North Carolina. Either way, you'll need more than your piggy bank can hold for a sustained smoking hobby. (Remember, it's important to stick with things you try, even if they're hard at first.)

Like those children in ancient Sparta, you must steal from your parents. This is what they secretly want you to do -- it will finally make them proud. Sneak into their bedroom late at night, at least three hours after they have gone to sleep. You'll have to try very hard to stay up that late, but if you're strong and true you can do it.

Walk on your toes and open their bedroom door as quietly as you can. Turn the doorknob slowly, and don't push the door open until it's fully turned. After it's open, turn it back slowly to avoid the sound of the knob snapping back. Breathe in and out very quietly and slowly -- your nostrils will be like a gentle breeze to your parents' innocent ears. Each step you take should be very slow and steady, like a dancer or ninja.

Once your eyes have adjusted, look for your father's wallet or mother's allowance. Pull a few of the bills out, but not all! Again, this movement should be slow and steady.

As you leave, make sure you leave everything exactly as it was left. And if your parents seem to wake up, FREEZE! Hold your breath, but don't inhale sharply. Whatever you do, don't say anything or run out of the room. Like Batman, you'll be invisible if you stand still in the darkness.

Now you'll need to buy cigarettes. This will be much easier than you think.

You'll need two things: one black marker, and an army jacket. The marker should be easy to get, and the army jacket you can steal while playing dress-up.

Take the black magic marker and draw a moustache on your face. Girls should do this as well. Put on the army jacket, push up the sleeves, and walk or hitchhike to the nearest gas station.

Walk boldly up to the counter and recite the following words. (Recite these words exactly as they are written here, rapidly, and with a redneck's air of authority. Trust me, it will work -- even if you don't understand all the words. Be strong!)

Haye! Yew! Lissen uhp in dew whut aa say! Yew sunzbijiziv bin nowhn what tew discriminit iginst us little pippel what er cauwld mijids! Doan Jew trahat whit maye, Ah fawt en thuh Veeyetnawms, muthirfugger! Gimme them Caymuls Ried, yih sunuhvabetch, afore Ah guht yew lahk uh slant!

If the attendant seems reluctant to give you the cigarettes, spit on the floor and hold up your fist while menacingly staring him down.

Now that you have your cigarettes, be determined to learn proper smoking. It will take time. You must smoke at least one every two hours to build up your tolerance.

When smoking, fill your mouth up with smoke. Then inhale sharply to bring the smoke into your lungs. Hold it there as long as you can, then exhale. If you start to feel nausteated, slow down, but keep smoking. You must build up a tolerance if you ever to be a grown-up.

Your friends will be so impressed by your new skills! You've taken a step they will all take in time, but are now too immature for. Enjoy your new popularity and respect -- you've earned it!


Oh dear... (none / 0) (#1)
by gohomeandshoveit on Mon Jul 15th, 2002 at 09:24:17 PM PST
While I do realize that your transcription of hick-talk is extremely accurate (do you live in Alabama?), I feel extremely sorry for whichever poor, deranged child with little enough brains to actually listen to you. And I thought that the Camel company was screwed because they couldn't advertise as widely anymore.

However, as Adequacy is News for Grown-Ups, this isn't likely to be the best place to peddle your carcinogen sticks to our idealistic youth. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, advertising to kids on a grown-up website. If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face.

Yes, bravo (none / 0) (#2)
by First Incision on Mon Jul 15th, 2002 at 09:50:33 PM PST
I agree, his spelling of the Southern dialect is much more accurate than most.

While the pronunciation is close to Alabama-English, I don't think that is what is being spoken. There is an economy of words, similar to Alabama-English; few unneccessary syllables are uttered. But there is a frequent use of the word "what" that would not be said by an Alabamian. I suspect this may be Mississippi-English, or possibly even Kentucky.

I think an Alabamian would say:

Haye! Yew! Lissen uhp in dew whut ah say! Sum Yew sunzbijiziv bin nowhn tyh discriminit ginst us little pippel er cauwld 'mijids!' Doan Jew trahat whit maye, Ah fawt en NAM, muthahfug! Gimme them Camuh Red, yuh sunuhvabetch, fore ah guht yew lahk uh slant!

The difference is subtle (to the untrained ear), but important.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

It's the pidgin-English of West Texas (none / 0) (#4)
by eSolutions on Mon Jul 15th, 2002 at 10:18:28 PM PST
From the northern ghettoes of Abilene to you, thanks to interNet. I travelled through the region during my graduate studies (social constructions in Jazz) and was impressed by the musical talk of the ape-folk there. Yiah boah, gitchew suhm! they would say kindly at the local strip club -- indicating, with an unopposably-thumbed hand, a gyrating fifteen-year-old with fake ID pinned flush by her g-string. Thayet thear ez whutar boobees foer.

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

I only have one question: (none / 0) (#3)
by anti filidor on Mon Jul 15th, 2002 at 10:11:25 PM PST
Why on Earth is this not on the front page? It is journalistic brilliance at its apex!

I concur. (none / 0) (#6)
by because it isnt on Tue Jul 16th, 2002 at 12:40:16 PM PST
I like this article. Good pacing, incisive social commentary, buckets of cynical media references and not a single mention of computers or operating systems. Has eSolutions got his groove back? -- because it isn't

STEP FOUR: ... (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jul 16th, 2002 at 04:14:18 AM PST
Die. And please do tit before writing any diary. Thank you.

Be like Ricky Nelson (none / 0) (#7)
by eSolutions on Tue Jul 16th, 2002 at 01:41:26 PM PST
> Die. And please do tit before writing any diary.
> Thank you.

I would love to do tit(s) before or after writing any diary. And I'll work on the death thing for you.

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

Age Discrimination! (none / 0) (#8)
by KingAzzy on Tue Jul 16th, 2002 at 02:51:08 PM PST
I for one find it horrid how we discriminate against those in our country beneath eighteen years of age. These young folks are old enough (by many years) to have perverted sodomistic sex, murder each other with their choice of high power weaponry, and light themselves on fire after dousing their clothes with gasoline.

Given these heavy responsibilities on the shoulders of your average five to eighteen year old, I find it absolutely intolerable that they should not be allowed to go and buy a pack of safe and tasty cigarettes. Why am I alone in this sentiment?

What does Gay have to do with not smoking? (none / 0) (#9)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jul 21st, 2002 at 11:02:51 AM PST
You are the biggest fucking moron on the planet! In one of your articles you said the company AMD is a 3rd world country, meanwhile it is based in Sunnyvile CA. Not smoking has nothing to do with being gay, my cousin doesnt smoke but yet he is married..


I salute your world-view... (none / 0) (#10)
by eSolutions on Tue Jul 23rd, 2002 at 11:57:20 AM PST
however, I must point out that none of my articles described AMD as a third-world nation. That had already been explicated by another author, T. Reginald Gibbons IIRC.

> in Sunnyvile CA. Not smoking has nothing to do
> with being gay, my cousin doesnt smoke but yet he
> is married..

Yes, and in Sunnyvale, Ca., they let gays marry. I want you to think critically now about your cousin's "wife." Just how big is "her" Adam's apple, anyway? She has rough, veined hands, doesn't she? A little bass in the voice? A little rocket in the pocket?

I appreciate your criticism. But for goodness' sake, *open your eyes*.

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.


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