This is an archive site only. It is no longer maintained. You can not post comments. You can not make an account. Your email will not be read. Please read this page if you have questions.
Hey kids -- didja ever notice how adults always seem to lie to children? Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, HIV -- old folks love to make up myths to please or frighten kids. Back in the ancient Greek city of Sparta, parents would intentionally starve their children so that the kids would learn the valuable art of stealing food.
Smoking is the same way. Lemme guess -- your parents have told you that smoking is wrong. Don't be too embarrased if you believed them -- it happens to the best of us!
The truth is, your folks are eagerly awaiting the day you take up your first cigarette. Our post-9/11 economy depends on tobacco sales to fuel the War on Semites, and Johnny Kickstand and Sally Shinebrite are vital in that effort.
More importantly, smoking signals the start of your passage into adulthood. Boys -- are you gay? Are you sure? If you are too cowardly to learn to smoke, your father will have no choice but to think you are indeed homosexual. (This is true even if he looks down on you from heaven.) Girls -- do the popular kids snicker at you behind your back? Are you sure? With a sassy cigarette, you're certain to be a beloved princess.
There are three steps that all good children can take on their journey to the magical land of Flavor Country.
STEP ONE: BE LIKE BATMAN
You'll need money to buy cigarettes. The price of a pack of Camels can vary from nine dollars in New York to seventy-five cents in North Carolina. Either way, you'll need more than your piggy bank can hold for a sustained smoking hobby. (Remember, it's important to stick with things you try, even if they're hard at first.)
Like those children in ancient Sparta, you must steal from your parents. This is what they secretly want you to do -- it will finally make them proud. Sneak into their bedroom late at night, at least three hours after they have gone to sleep. You'll have to try very hard to stay up that late, but if you're strong and true you can do it.
Walk on your toes and open their bedroom door as quietly as you can. Turn the doorknob slowly, and don't push the door open until it's fully turned. After it's open, turn it back slowly to avoid the sound of the knob snapping back. Breathe in and out very quietly and slowly -- your nostrils will be like a gentle breeze to your parents' innocent ears. Each step you take should be very slow and steady, like a dancer or ninja.
Once your eyes have adjusted, look for your father's wallet or mother's allowance. Pull a few of the bills out, but not all! Again, this movement should be slow and steady.
As you leave, make sure you leave everything exactly as it was left. And if your parents seem to wake up, FREEZE! Hold your breath, but don't inhale sharply. Whatever you do, don't say anything or run out of the room. Like Batman, you'll be invisible if you stand still in the darkness.
STEP TWO: BE LIKE JAMES BOND
You'll need two things: one black marker, and an army jacket. The marker should be easy to get, and the army jacket you can steal while playing dress-up.
Take the black magic marker and draw a moustache on your face. Girls should do this as well. Put on the army jacket, push up the sleeves, and walk or hitchhike to the nearest gas station.
Walk boldly up to the counter and recite the following words. (Recite these words exactly as they are written here, rapidly, and with a redneck's air of authority. Trust me, it will work -- even if you don't understand all the words. Be strong!)
Haye! Yew! Lissen uhp in dew whut aa say! Yew sunzbijiziv bin nowhn what tew discriminit iginst us little pippel what er cauwld mijids! Doan Jew trahat whit maye, Ah fawt en thuh Veeyetnawms, muthirfugger! Gimme them Caymuls Ried, yih sunuhvabetch, afore Ah guht yew lahk uh slant!
If the attendant seems reluctant to give you the cigarettes, spit on the floor and hold up your fist while menacingly staring him down.
STEP THREE: BE LIKE A COWBOY
When smoking, fill your mouth up with smoke. Then inhale sharply to bring the smoke into your lungs. Hold it there as long as you can, then exhale. If you start to feel nausteated, slow down, but keep smoking. You must build up a tolerance if you ever to be a grown-up.
Your friends will be so impressed by your new skills! You've taken a step they will all take in time, but are now too immature for. Enjoy your new popularity and respect -- you've earned it!