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 I Believe in Negroes

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jun 29, 2002
Heck, laugh if you want. Maybe I'm too much of a kid. Maybe I'm young at heart. Maybe I'm just a little superstitious.

But every now and then, right around dusk, I'll look out my back window as the sun falls slowly to sleep. And I'll chuckle a little when I catch myself. I just can't stop believing that Negroes exist!


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I never doubted the existence of Negroes as a kid. My parents smiled knowingly and said nothing. But at night, lying in bed, I could imagine that Negroes really might be chirping and fluttering across the nearby countryside, scouring the foliage for the secret ingredients of Negro Stew.

And of course I believed the legend that a young child, pure of heart, could make a Negro appear. If I was a good boy, perhaps I might see one tip his top hat and give me a wink!

It was Mark Twain's classic novel on Negro life, Yassuh, Massuh Clements, Whatevuh Yuh Say, Suh, that hatched an ill plan of mine to actually see a Negro in person. In that immortal piece of Americana, Twain recounts the old legend that a young lad can summon a Negro. He must stand outside at dusk, face southeast, hold a tooth that has just fallen out, and sing:

Cah Loo, Cah Lee, Tra Loo, Tra Ley,
A Negro song today!
Come hear my call, come one and all,
Tra Lee La Negro, hey!

If ye be keen to come along
And sing the magic Negro songs,
Then Tra Lee La, Tra True La Ley,
T'will be a Negro day!

If all goes well, the young boy will hear a voice singing in the distance:

A taste of stew, and Negro Pie,
Oh who will break my fast with me?
For me it is a weary life,
But I will sup with thee.

For tales, I'll tell you of a lass,
My Negress love at distant shore.
We'll sing beneath an apple tree,
A merry Negroling and thee,
Until the dawn is born.

And, after suddenly appearing with a flash of light and burst of smoke, the Negro will exchange the tooth for a bag of silver dimes.

Well, when I was seven, I was ready to try it out. Sneaking out of my bedroom, I crept down the stairs and into the backyard. I was certain that I would actually see a Negro! What would he be like? Would he be mean or friendly? Would he show me the magic sword used to fend off the Irish?

After singing into the night as loudly as I dared, I stood with an expectant grin. The grass was soft under my pyjama feet. There seemed to be a sparkle in the air!

But after several hours of waiting, I slumped with disappointment. No Negroes for me.

My father rushed downstairs upon hearing me come in. At first he was worried, but his concerned frown turned into a gentle smile when he heard what I had been up to.

"Son," he said, somberly. "There are no such things as Negroes."

A little bit of my childhood died that day. But not completely. Whenever the dusk falls on a clear summer day, I look out to the southeast and dream of a bite of Negro Pie.

Salt Lake City, Utah


What are you high on? (none / 0) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 09:13:37 AM PST
no text

Everyone's high on Jesus in Utah (1.00 / 1) (#8)
by eSolutions on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 02:19:19 PM PST
Why not join in, Mister? The first hit's free!

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

maybe you should move (none / 0) (#21)
by Mr Somebody on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 06:02:21 AM PST
I've heard of the fabled 'Land By The Sea', far far away from Utah, where people aren't quite so salt damaged

I believe in women. (5.00 / 2) (#3)
by because it isnt on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 09:39:28 AM PST
After all, I've seen five of them on the Internet. Admittedly, they all turned out to be men in the end, but my spirits aren't dampened -- I'll find a real woman before the year is out.

I think they visit when I'm sleeping, because I often wake up to find all my stuff tidied up and my desk cleaned. -- because it isn't

woman? (none / 0) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jul 11th, 2002 at 02:10:56 AM PST
I"m one I suppose.

i beleive in sanity! (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 12:13:10 PM PST
oh, wait! you mean to tell me there's no such thing as that either?!?!?! First santa, then the easter bunny, then superman, whats next?!?!?! can't anybody take a joke???

I hate it. (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 12:42:36 PM PST
Yes I hate it. I have just understood that I have been exploited by that damned mouse. Exchanging a tooth for a dime when I could have a bag of dimes! F*king mouse!. May be it's not too late and I can sue it?

Just as soon as... (5.00 / 2) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 10:30:55 PM PST
I start thinking to myself that this site couldn't possibly get any weirder or stupider, here you go publishing a story like this. This, I have to say, is totally baffling. Time and again I come across posts and stories that read like the babblings of a febrile two year old shot up with acid. It's like a cultural trainwreck.

You've either seen one, or you're a LIBERAL (none / 0) (#13)
by MattGlover on Sun Jun 30th, 2002 at 09:09:49 AM PST
Well, after reading your post, I can tell that you're either a Liberal, or you've observed a negro.

It's great isn't it? (5.00 / 2) (#20)
by gordonjcp on Mon Jul 1st, 2002 at 04:43:06 PM PST
I mean, I don't really *want* to read Adequacy, but I keep coming back. I can quit any time I want, honest.

Heh. (1.00 / 1) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 11:08:01 PM PST
I once doubted people could be as fucking stupid as this... BUt i guess i was wrong...

A Gay Republican Afro-American LINUX USER in 2006!

Rob Malda? Is that you? (5.00 / 2) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 11:33:01 PM PST
I'd recognize your poor capitalization and pro-gay Linus agenda anywhere.

Listen, my karma is being fucked up. If I say that I'm willing to moderate, the karma goes down a little over time. Like a bladder. Like a bladder of urine.

But when I turn off the "willing to moderate" flag, the karma stays constant. What the hell is going on? You need to fix this shit up, and pronto. Linus users aren't going to tolerate software that doesn't work properly.

You know. (none / 0) (#14)
by aoc on Sun Jun 30th, 2002 at 09:12:27 AM PST
This would have worked much better as serious letter from someone in one of those Nazi countries like Sweden. It would be about how they've never seen a black person, link to white people in blackface as evidence that negros are fake, and explain that USians made of the concept of burdening population of niggers as an excuse for their industrial and cultural decline.

You don't know. (none / 0) (#15)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jun 30th, 2002 at 02:26:46 PM PST
Most Swedes have television, and if some of them may not have seen real negroes (there are plenty in the country), they have seen them at least on the TV. Without mentionning the Black Swedes celebrities, like that soccer player in the national team, or the singer Neneh Cherry, etc.

And please, stop using the word "Nazi" just about everything. It is a very strong word, and you don't seem to have the slightest idea of what it means. Nazi countries like Sweden. Brainles piles of shit like you.

You will not trick me. (5.00 / 2) (#17)
by aoc on Sun Jun 30th, 2002 at 11:26:23 PM PST
The only time a Swede has seen a so-called negro on the TV is if the set is broken and the color is inverted.

And I'm so sorry for refering to that ethnically homogenous, snow-white skinned, blonde haired, blue eyed, totalitarian country as "Nazi". What the hell was I thinking?

Well said. (none / 0) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jul 1st, 2002 at 05:35:52 AM PST
I am overwhelmed by your cleverness, your knowledge, and the power of your arguments.You convinced me: Sweden is Nazi. And there is no reason not to put Norway, Denmark, Iceland in the same bag: ethnically homogenous too, and certainly totalitarian, as they have more or less the same political and governmental system.

Why... (1.00 / 1) (#16)
by HatBot on Sun Jun 30th, 2002 at 05:35:58 PM PST
Don't you people just leave this poor man alone? Let him believe what he wants, or are you all fascists? I once believed in negroes, and in fact you can see one in the san diego zoo. just go up to any employee there where you can see the negroe, and theyll they you.

Quite so. (none / 0) (#23)
by flowers on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 09:14:23 PM PST
If these mythical 'Negroes' truly existed, we'd see them in professional sports.
I have unprotected sex with multiple anonymous partners.

Um... (none / 0) (#24)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jul 3rd, 2002 at 03:55:23 PM PST
I'm confused. Are you people stupid or just joking?

Stupid or Joking? (none / 0) (#26)
by flowers on Thu Jul 4th, 2002 at 12:57:24 PM PST
I can't speak for anyone else here -- but I for one am both.
I have unprotected sex with multiple anonymous partners.

I love the title. (5.00 / 2) (#25)
by because it isnt on Wed Jul 3rd, 2002 at 04:43:53 PM PST
I makes me want to sing...

I believe in ne-ge-roes!
Where you from?
You sexy thing (you sexy thing you)

etc... -- because it isn't

This has to be one of the funniest articles ever (none / 0) (#27)
by PotatoError on Sun Jul 7th, 2002 at 03:57:20 PM PST
Really great. Keep it up!

I believe in stupidity (none / 0) (#29)
by Cashere315 on Sun Jul 14th, 2002 at 08:03:58 PM PST
i believe in the stupidity of the public until u work in a grocery store as a Cashiere you have yet to learn the stupidity of how dumb ppl are but reading this story after a long hard day of work made me happy knowing there are still NORMAL PPL LIK ME OUT THERE CREATING LAUGHTER FOR TE GROCERY STORE WORKERS! FU(K the public

I believe in negros. (none / 0) (#30)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jul 17th, 2002 at 02:55:37 PM PST
Has anyone actually seen a negro? If they exist why are there no photos or video footage of them with their moincals and dancing canes?


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