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 I know what you've been processing

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jun 17, 2002
When I heard my state government was building a new sewage-processing plant in my community, I was at first skeptical. Though I had some reservations that the facility might cause potential odors and result in a permanent eye-sore, I was on the whole impressed with the efficiency of its design and the modern technology that went into building such a state-of-the-art facility.

When I heard the plant had finally been built and was offering tours to the public as part of a small public-relations campaign to satisfy the concerns of citizens like me, I checked my schedule, found an acceptable hour, and signed up.

Little was I prepared to learn the true function of this facility.


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The tour was by and large uneventful. The architecture was municipal and uninspiring, illuminated by fluorescent lighting and smelling of weak disinfecting solution. There was a gift shop, of course, but it offered little but tee-shirts, pins, and promotional literature. But the plant itself was actually quite boring, or at least the parts they did show us were.

You see, I couldn't shake the feeling the entire time that there was something they simply weren't revealing. For example, the pipes they pointed to as we made our rounds were quite impressive, and indeed certain segments were transparent so as to allow observation of the various liquids flowing through -- undoubtedly, for the benefit of the engineers charged with maintaining the facility, though it did allow us laymen to get a better look as well. And yet, when it came to seeing where these pipes originated and where they led, the facility was decidedly less transparent. Sure, the fellow leading the tour would tell us the large unlabeled grey cylinder played such-and-such role in the processing of waste, but how could I know for sure it was all and only what they said it was? My suspicions only grew as our tour passed door after door marked "Authorized Personnel Only" in sharp red lettering, doors whose rooms lying beyond our guide would not venture to describe or explain.

When I returned home from the tour, I fired up my AOL to try to do a little research about facilities like these, but I was able to find surprisingly little -- the AOL keywords "waste processing plant" and "sewage" simply didn't exist. Strange, I thought, since the same organization that would go out of its way to appeal to neighborhood citizens like me through (what must be for them) inconvenient tours would surely also realize the potential of AOL to reach both local citizens who could not attend a tour and citizens in other locations not directly impacted by any noxious side effects but still benefiting directly from either this plant or plants like it. I tried calling AOL phone support to ask them about it, but after being put on hold for an inordinate amount of time, the person I did eventually reach was surprisingly (and therefore suspiciously) unhelpful.

And so I delved deeper. It wasn't long before I had an epiphany.

The human soul is itself a monolithic entity at once separate and independent from its host organism and inextricably bound to that organism for the length of its lifetime. Though theological science has variously attempted to locate the soul in a specific region of human anatomy such as in the heart or brain, it is generally accepted as modern empirical fact that the soul is not the province of any particular single organ but is tethered to the body as a whole, being uniformly distributed throughout.

The intestines are, by some measurements, the largest human organ. Though the skin rivals the intestines in volume, and though the liver rivals them in mass, no other human organ measures up when it comes to surface area -- the average human contains 200 square meters of intestines, providing an enormous site for digestive absorption. Though the musculature underlying the intestinal wall is relatively thick, the surface is comprised of a thin layer of capillary-bound enterocytic cells providing digested food particles with access to the blood stream that will carry them throughout the rest of the body. Though these cells have a certain lifespan, like most cells, these do eventually die as well, flaking off and being either digested and reabsorbed or exiting the body with other unprocessed waste.

Without going into the specifics of the calculations, it is my estimate that the average person sheds five kilograms of intestinal cells annually, of which 70% (three and a half kilograms) is excreted by the body. In the average western democracy of which America is but one example, where more than 185 million of 265 million citizens live in a community equipped with a waste processing plant like my community's, nearly six hundred fifty million kilograms of these intestinal cells are processed by such plants annually.

Nobel-prize-winning physicist Deepak Chopra has estimated that the body of an average human living today contains a hundred atoms from the body of any given historical figure you wish to imagine (be it Genghis Khan or Julius Caesar), whose corpses have long since disintegrated and whose atomic building blocks have been dispersed back into our environment on the surface of the earth. Such processes of atomic propagation are natural and rather unsurprising, given the enormous numbers of atoms that come together to constitute a single person, and given the closed nature of our terrestrial environment. But at the same time, the process is susceptible to artificial acceleration and amplification by simple and obvious means -- the cow who contributed the steak I ate last night also contributed well more than statistical baseline amount of 100 atoms to my somatic structure.

The conclusion is both inescapably obvious and unsettling: my community's waste-processing plant is systematically gathering and concentrating the same intestinal cells we unwittingly shed into the very waste the plant is charged with processing, united with every other waste-processing plant in the world in a global conspiracy whose scope is unfathomable but whose intention is as plain as day: they seek to reassemble and thereby steal our very souls, but for what nefarious purpose we cannot know.

The world has faced and still faces other global conspiracies, all perpetrated by the communist legions of Satan. And yet, this is no ordinary communist plot; for the communists, though allied with the Prince of Darkness, themselves renounce religion and would therefore find human souls of little utility if they even acknowledge their existence. Perhaps they couch their theories in the hypocrisy of science: since individualism is the antithesis of communism, they seek to steal and commoditize the one thing that makes us unique: our cells, our so-called "genetic code" (that inadequate and laughable secular substitute for souls).

Either the communists' professed anti-religious precepts are yet another of Satan's lies, or the communists are too far under the Evil One's spell to avoid doing his bidding. Either way, the very survival of our way of life shall turn on whether we can demolish the dominant communist Satanist environmentalist hegemony that holds our waste and our souls in thrall.

Raise a hue and cry. Raise a pitchfork. Together, we will uproot this cancer on humanity and reclaim what is rightfully ours and the Lord's alone. Satan shroud of darkness hanging over our waste shall be lifted and the angels shall sing praises of its virtue.

The fight against Satan permits of no neutral parties. Join me against evil or find yourself vanquished on the Day of Reckoning. That is all.


your smart as an ass (5.00 / 1) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jun 17th, 2002 at 12:21:57 PM PST
first of all you rright with one thing you canīt see all in a sewage processing plant. theres a couple explanations first of all is that the chemicals used would infest your brain and do more damage than you would expect from communist propaganda

2. satan canot have communist legions since hell is a place where one can do what i he want for eternity and satans rules the realm of hell. a communist country is rather strict and has rules.. like heaven.

now you have two choices accept or run away but as the ignorant fool you are the most likely thing you will do is to act as a anarchist and start fightin against the truth...

satan?? (none / 0) (#20)
by junkdrome on Wed Jun 26th, 2002 at 01:41:02 PM PST
In the christian bible, didn't is say something to the order of 'satan was banished from heaven, and sent to earth'?

With that in mind, where are we now??

wtf (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jun 17th, 2002 at 03:11:19 PM PST
if indeed we have souls then i highly doubt god would have created our bodies to crap them out of us. thank you and shut up you whack-job.

You use AOL?!?!?!?!?!?! (5.00 / 3) (#6)
by gohomeandshoveit on Mon Jun 17th, 2002 at 05:19:18 PM PST
*laughs hysterically*

OK, OK, I think I'm going to be fine... uh oh. Are you really serious that sewage treatment plants steal our souls? So, if you have a septic tank, do the guys who pump it steal your souls that way as well?

*bursts into peals of laughter resounding throughout abode*

*wipes eyes*

So, we should raise a pitchfork? Hue? Cry? Why not create tumult? I WANT MY TUMULT, DAMNIT!!!!!

*laughs until choking on Altoid*

*performs heimlich maneuver on self*

*laughs more*

Really, you right-wing Christian extremists need a chill pill. If your soul were really that important, then you wouldn't shit it out.

-----If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face.

lol (none / 0) (#8)
by tkatchev on Mon Jun 17th, 2002 at 08:29:51 PM PST

Peace and much love...

Actually the largest organ... (4.00 / 1) (#9)
by detikon on Mon Jun 17th, 2002 at 09:15:53 PM PST
is the skin.

Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script.

Lungs isnt it (none / 0) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jun 18th, 2002 at 09:16:03 AM PST
I always thought it was your lungs, someone once told me that laid out like a sheet they would cover over a tennis court.
Then again i believe everything anybody tells me.

nope... (none / 0) (#14)
by detikon on Tue Jun 18th, 2002 at 12:45:37 PM PST's the skin

Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script.

how did you make that link? (5.00 / 1) (#21)
by jnana on Wed Jun 26th, 2002 at 11:01:24 PM PST
I have been studying "Teach Yourself HTML in 24 Hours" for about three weeks now, and am becoming quite proficient, but I am curious, how do you make the text so that it goes to another page when you click on it? I haven't gotten to the section of the book on advnanced stragedies of HTML yet, so any help would be appreiciated. thanks in advance for your kind help, sir.

Warning (none / 0) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jun 27th, 2002 at 03:31:00 AM PST
You have activated the preliminary detection apparatus of adequacy's no-trolling enforcement division.

Post at your own risk.

whatever... (5.00 / 1) (#24)
by jnana on Thu Jun 27th, 2002 at 11:35:13 PM PST
i don't know what your'e talking about, but if you can't help, you just shouldn't respond.

processing (3.00 / 2) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jun 18th, 2002 at 12:13:30 AM PST
Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "ya gotta be shitting me..."

Fascinating. (4.00 / 1) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jun 18th, 2002 at 02:48:40 AM PST
So it's true: we must compost for Jesus. Just as I've always suspected.

Good news... (3.00 / 2) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jun 18th, 2002 at 07:44:53 AM PST
Those jars I have stacked in the basement seem a lot less weird now. I'm just saving my own soul!

Thank You! (3.66 / 3) (#15)
by Q on Tue Jun 18th, 2002 at 02:58:44 PM PST
Thank you Adequacy for uncovering such a dangerous conspiracy of stealing our souls.

The article is very thorough, and I have little to add, except that my only wish is that it would contain more links to help the curious reader understand all the implications of this horrific conspiracy.

One of the missing pointers, in my opinion, is a reference to the Nobel-prize-winning physicist Deepak Chopra, whose deeply researched estimate was a major inspiration for author's enlightening discovery.

For the benefit of the intelligent reader, I provide the link.

Thank Goodness!! (none / 0) (#16)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jun 18th, 2002 at 03:33:19 PM PST
Thank you for clearing that up for me, I thought I had missed an important development in the field of physics and the requirements for the Nobel.

very troublesome (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jun 19th, 2002 at 07:11:06 PM PST
i found this article both enlightening and disturbing. since reading it, i have been carrying all my body wastes in ziploc bags to keep my soul close to me. some of us aren't so easily taken!

Soylent Green (5.00 / 1) (#18)
by caio on Mon Jun 24th, 2002 at 09:07:35 AM PST
Soon they'll be breeding us like cattle! You've got to warn everyone and tell them! Soylent green is made of people! You've got to tell them! Soylent green is people!

Obligatory Strangelove reference (5.00 / 2) (#19)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jun 26th, 2002 at 08:57:04 AM PST
The communists are attempting to steal our precious bodily fluids.

oh crap!!!! (none / 0) (#23)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jun 27th, 2002 at 05:41:21 PM PST
they're stealing our Purity Of Essence!!!!!

AOL (none / 0) (#25)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 29th, 2002 at 12:16:22 PM PST
You REALLY should stop using AOL!


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