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 I want a mistress!

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jun 20, 2002
Dear readers, I have finally been able to get back to my column and answer some dear reader's mail. Thank you for waiting.

In today's column, I help a young man get into organized sports, and caution against a mistress.


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Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I
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Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode II
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Adam Rightmann

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My inlaws are not fertile!
Help save a baby, and snowballs
What shall we give up for Lent?
Reclaiming St. Patrick's Day
Let us pray for the priests and victims of sexual abuse
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Dear Adam,

I am trying to convince my sister to allow my nephew to play football in a Pop Warner League, but she thinks it's too dangerous. She is willing to let him play soccer, but that's such an unamerican sport. She's a regular reader of your column, perhaps you can convince her.

Old Tight End in Toledo

Dear Tight,

It's a sure sign of our moral degeneracy that there is even any doubt as to the worth of the right kind of organized sports, of which football is a prime example. While I can expound on length, I will save that for a future column, and just give you the highlights.

  • Health and Vitality Sports encourages a healthy body. Perhaps you've noticed the pathetic physical condition of many of today's youth; pale, flabby, fat, poor posture. All indicative of too much time spent hunched over the keyboard, instead of running and playing in the sunshine. In the words of dear my alma maters football coach, Father Murphy, "Is there no better proof of the magnificence of God than in a muscular young man, all dewy with sweat?"
  • Teamwork In organized sports, you learn the value of teamwork. Even hacker darling Linux Torvaldes had the help of hundreds of newsgroup hackers, and the backing of the Soviet Union. More optimistically, would the True Church have lasted this long without being a team? And related to teamwork is...
  • Hierarchy Proper sports teach a heirarchy, the most efficient form of organizing more than 100 humans. In football, the quarterback is usually the most important member of the team, and good teammates will sacrifice themselves to protect the quarterback. A valuable lesson indeed.
  • Knowing your place In a heirarchy, it's important to know your place, and be happy in it. Even if you're a pale, 100 pound skinny runt, the football team needs a water boy, a dirty uniform collector, and even return squad specialists.
  • Competitiveness A true sport emphasizes winning, winning fairly and ethically, but winning. Is there a more horrendous joke than the current emphasis on having fun without the goal of winning? In the end, God wants you victorious over Satan, not being a good sport with the Prince of Lies.

Dear Adam,

I have attained a level of considerable success in the financial field, and I would like to reward myself. With my recent promotion to Night Shift Supervisor of Custodial Engineering at XXXXXXXXX, Inc, I realized I now have several hundred dollars a month extra. Now, many of my peers would be looking at a new F250, or perhaps a bass boat, and no one would criticize them for it. I myself would rather look into some lovin' on the side, a mistress you might say. I know Sue-Anne at the Pick'n'Pay is having trouble with her double-wide payments since her old man got popped for that meth lab, and Shirley at the lounge could always use a few extra bucks. I do have a nice bunch of kids, and the missus aint bad, but after 5 kids sometimes I feel like a 302 cylinder in a 427 block, if you catch my drift.

But is there an ethical problem here? I'm spending my money on something for me, and I'll never get caught, heck, my friends say I'm slick enough to steal a doughnut from a cop. I really don't see a problem with enjoying myself, and helping out a few female friends, but I thought I'd run it by you.


Jack Stanley Martin

Dear jsm,

Yes, I see a problem here, this certainly seems unethical and immoral. When you got married, your priest should have told you that you were forsaking all others, and this should have been reinforced multiple times in pre-cana.

On the other hand, from your writing patterns you seem to be from the part of the US that tends towards heretical sects like Baptists and Methodists, in which case your moral degeneracy is just symptomatic of your entire faith. You're still guilty, but a little less so.

For marital advice, I would suggest that your wife practice her Kegel exercises, to fix that 302 in a 427 feeling. For penance, you may consider donating some of that raise to the True Church, they've had some financial difficulties lately.


A lovely article. (1.00 / 1) (#7)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 04:16:25 AM PST
I do admire your column, Adam, and I have enjoyed it many times.

I'd just like to point out that all the good reasons for playing football also apply to other team-sports, such as British soccer (football), British football (rugby), baseball, British baseball (cricket) and Canadian football (ice-hockey). There is no reason why junior shouldn't have the choice of all these sports, save that American football is the most patriotic choice.

Futball/soccer sets dangerous precedents (none / 0) (#8)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 06:09:03 AM PST
Let me preface this by saying I'm not much of a futball/soccer fan, it seems like decent exercise to play, but rather boring too watch. I could be mistaken, but it seems that too often, bad or biased officiating decides games, leading afficianadoes to become accustomed to a higher, human power taking control. Perhaps it's just an aberration, but the recent South Korea-Italy game, and the historic England Argentina match where Diego Madonna punched the ball in the net are both egregious examples of criminally negligent officiating. I'm sure a more devoted fan can think of many other examples.

I believe there is a reason for this, to condition fans to expect capricious intervention by all controlling authorities. I can't believe that it's coincidence that the most fervent soccer/futball countries are also the most socialist/dicatorial countries, while countries that have a more blase attitude towards soccer/football (like America) are God-fearing Democracies.

So, until officiating getrs better, I doubt many Americans will waste time watching soccer/futball.

A. Rightmann

You'd be amazed... (none / 0) (#9)
by gordonjcp on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 07:59:48 AM PST
... how few Europeans watch football. It's really just about as boring as a sport can get.

Soccer/fifa/football, or American football? (none / 0) (#11)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 09:58:07 AM PST
I can certainly understand the non-initiates being overwhelmed by the amount of detail in an American football game and retreating to a defense of boredom, you have 22 people to watch, and one misplay can set up the whole play, a lineman missing his block, a running back hitting the wrong hole, a quarterback throwing into double coverage. We start young, at about 5, in order to have the intellectual prowess to understand what we're seeing.

A. Rightmann

Soccer football, not American football. (none / 0) (#14)
by gordonjcp on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 11:26:07 AM PST
There's a couple of American football teams in the UK, but it's nowhere near as popular as soccer. Which isn't saying much, really.

That's what killed ITV Digital - the terrestrial DTV service in the UK. They paid a fortune for the rights to show football - soccer - and wanted to charge £15 per game for pay-per-view. Unsurprisingly, no-one wanted to watch it, at that price. If you're going to pay £15, you might as well just go to the match. Or, go to the pub and watch it there with a few beers.

While refereeing can be poor, (none / 0) (#17)
by because it isnt on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 05:06:48 PM PST
we must bear it, for the alternative is far worse. Footie players occasionally stray from the path and consider using unacceptable tactics rather than their natural talents. Worse still, some players, and even some clubs have aligned with the Prince of Lies himself.

I can think of many biased referees, particularly when Hugh Dallas gives a penalty against Celtic for the offense of being Catholic. However, in the spirit of fair play, FIFA always ensures that its matches are refereed by people from countries that are politically neutral to both the teams playing. The only problem here is that everybody hates England. Ah well, you can't win 'em all... -- because it isn't

Hierarchy (5.00 / 1) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 09:38:55 AM PST
I had believed that everyone knew that it is i before e, except after c. Obviously I have been deceived. Surely even the the worst exponents of the English language are capable of using a Word Processor, or even a shoddy clone of one? Bad grammer is rampant throughout certain sites but I expect better from adequacy.

Does this play on your consceince? [n/t] (none / 0) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 11:01:01 AM PST

Sometimes, (none / 0) (#18)
by hauntedattics on Fri Jun 21st, 2002 at 10:19:27 AM PST
"bad grammer" (or, to be more precise, mispelling) even happens when you're correcting someone else's on Adequacy.

spell LAM3R1!!! (none / 0) (#19)
by KingAzzy on Fri Jun 21st, 2002 at 04:14:38 PM PST
you're WEIRD!!!!

I truly enjoyed the humour in the name "Tight (4.00 / 1) (#12)
by Slobodan Milosevic on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 10:16:04 AM PST
It was funny because whoever sent the letter was a "Tight End" in football, but also being a "Tight End" about not wanting the child to play soccer.

<P>I commend the writers on their fine sense of humour!

Cheating? (3.00 / 2) (#15)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 02:52:21 PM PST
You let that guy off easy. I would of ripped into him, he has no right to cheat on his wife, he took a vow. Maybe them vows really do stand for nothing.

Your eyes, Sir, (none / 0) (#16)
by because it isnt on Thu Jun 20th, 2002 at 04:43:16 PM PST
would make a good supply of timber. -- because it isn't

Good reader, he has not yet cheated (none / 0) (#27)
by Adam Rightmann on Mon Jun 24th, 2002 at 05:49:54 AM PST
and I was hoping a more gentle reach might save his heretic soul from sinning. Thank you for your concern.

A. Rightmann

I disagree. (none / 0) (#28)
by dmg on Thu Jun 27th, 2002 at 04:36:46 PM PST
Ex-president Jimmy Carter said it best:

" I try not to commit a deliberate sin. I recognize that I'm going to do it anyhow, because I'm human and I'm tempted. And Christ set some almost impossible standards for us. Christ said, 'I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.'

"I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something that God recognizes I will do--and I have done it--and God forgives me for it."
OTOH, since "jsm" will be forgiven by God, perhaps its OK for him to follow temptation, inevitable even, given the fallen nature of mankind...

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

laughter (1.00 / 1) (#21)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jun 22nd, 2002 at 03:48:47 AM PST
i could explain things for you but you wouldn“t understand it. not because your dumb not because your ignorant just because of the fact that you would never admit that the things you write is bs

Corrections in bold (none / 0) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jun 23rd, 2002 at 07:29:05 PM PST
I could explain things for you, but you wouldn“t understand them. Not because you're dumb, not because you're ignorant, just because of the fact that you would never admit that the things you write are bs.

And it's BULLSHIT, not BS. We are not prudes (none / 0) (#25)
by dmg on Mon Jun 24th, 2002 at 01:23:52 AM PST
Here at adequacy we are not afraid of profanity or traditional Anglo-Saxon language when the circumstances merit. If you are so squeamish or precious that you insist on using 'cute' abbreviations like 'bs' when you actually wanted to refer to a freshly dumped, steaming pile of bovine excrement, you do not belong here at adequacy. I'll bet you are more comfortable 'going to the bathroom' rather than taking a piss. Wimp. I suggest you FUCK OFF, and never return here, you ASSHOLE.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

You know, I wanted to address that. (none / 0) (#26)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Jun 24th, 2002 at 02:38:59 AM PST
The problem with doing the corrections in bold was that there would have been no demarcation between the modification to either the full word (bullshit) or a correct abbreviation (BS, b.s., B.S.), and the addition of the period.

Next time, I will try to use less ambiguous corrective indicators.

Official medical advice (none / 0) (#23)
by First Incision on Sun Jun 23rd, 2002 at 09:26:25 PM PST
Whatever sport your nephew ends up playing, make sure he DOES NOT wear a cup. There are too many people reproducing as it is.

And if he is pre-pubescent, an accident may do wonders for his singing career.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Suggestion: (none / 0) (#24)
by tkatchev on Sun Jun 23rd, 2002 at 10:46:09 PM PST
Start with yourself, Sir Waste-of-Oxygen.

Peace and much love...


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