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 Dearest Adequacy Readers,

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
May 10, 2002
As you are all well aware, my corporation is undergoing a serious financial restructing. We are re-orginising our synergys to be more in line with our B2C competitors. Due the the wide gap in market share of our enterprise class financial ASP solution, we will improve your business with our high-gain, revenue boosing strategy.

As a result, I am anouncing a pay raise of $13 million a year. As severance, I will have a mansion built in four key places across the globe and recive over 15 million a year. The company will pay for my flight to and from my retirment castles.Also note my recent 12 million dollar loan against the company has been waived.

Do not be alarmed. I am aware our revenue has shrunk by %10 and our estimates for reaching profitablity have been vastly extended, but as CEO, I deserve more money. After all, without my tireless efforts, this corporation would be nothing more then a low class canning factory.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Dr. Martino Cortez PhD
Martin Cortez Financial Corporation


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Mr. Cortez... (none / 0) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri May 10th, 2002 at 11:09:23 PM PST
...might I ask what your doctorate is for? Just curious.

You ask a good question dearest reader (none / 0) (#2)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Fri May 10th, 2002 at 11:53:03 PM PST
I have two dotorates. One in economics, and the other in particle physics.

Might I enquire as to your credentials kind sir?

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

Nothing as prestigious as yours... (none / 0) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 01:16:26 AM PST
...I can assure you. A PhD in comparative English literature. Not nearly as useful as the credentials you hold, good sir, but it's landed me a nice teaching position.

Not very prestigious at all (5.00 / 1) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 01:30:11 AM PST
A PhD in comparative English literature.

You can get those free with a packet of breakfast cereal.

confused (none / 0) (#5)
by nathan on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 07:01:10 AM PST
The plastic robot figures became too expensive?


PS - if this is the case, talk to me, Dr Cortez PhD. I can hook you up with very high-class, yet very inexpensive breakfast ceral plastic robot figures. Corner the market!
- N
Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

No no! (none / 0) (#6)
by tkatchev on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 07:28:27 AM PST
You see, the problem is that with a plastic robot, some stupid person is simply bound to try to chew it up and swallow it. Imagine what would happen if some kid chokes on a cereal robot!

I think it's better to stay safe than sorry.

Peace and much love...

nonsense! (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by nathan on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 09:23:36 AM PST
There is a far greater danger of the kids choking on the cereal. Or maybe just dying of sugar poisoning.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Either I should be dead now... (none / 0) (#8)
by The Mad Scientist on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 09:55:49 AM PST
...or sugar poisoning requires insanely high doses.

Sugar, caffeine, adrenaline: the three basic ingredients of any IT project.

Well actually... (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by tkatchev on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 10:22:52 AM PST could try finishing your projects on time.

Peace and much love...

Meeting deadlines... (none / 0) (#10)
by The Mad Scientist on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 10:36:56 AM PST well-possible. When the project requirements aren't being constantly changed under your feet, and when the project has appropriate number of appropriate people assigned to.

When this happens, deadlines are met.

However, these conditions are rather unusual...

Nerds don't understand deadlines. (none / 0) (#12)
by dmg on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 12:03:59 PM PST
They have no business sense. When I say I need those reports on Wednesday at 11am, that is when I need them. Not when the Solaris server has be patched and the latest version of pearl has been installed.

What part of the word DEADLINE do you computer geeks not understand ?

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

Managers don't understand computers. (none / 0) (#13)
by The Mad Scientist on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 12:37:38 PM PST
They have no technology sense. If you wouldn't ask for your reports that you don't really need anyway, there would be one less thing to do instead of something really necessary, like patching the newly discovered hole in the server. Which isn't exactly the kind of work immediately visible from the manager's seat, but if omitted it translates to inevitable break-in later. And guess who will then be called to explain it. Down in the trenches the priorities are a bit different.

What part of the sentence "I NEED AN ASSISTANT" do you suits not understand?

Neckties are devices for limiting blood flow to the brain.

Clue. (none / 0) (#14)
by tkatchev on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 02:29:04 PM PST
They're not supposed to "understand computers", they're supposed to make money. Big, fat wads of money that the server monkeys will never see.

Peace and much love...

Anyway,... (none / 0) (#15)
by The Mad Scientist on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 03:14:16 PM PST
...they should get their priorities straight. If they want reports timely on their table, or if they want the machines to be properly cared about, or if they want to not hire more people. They can't get everything.

They should understand that they are maybe the captains, but without the men in the machine rooms their ship wouldn't move at all.

Dear Low Class Computer Monkey Sir, (none / 0) (#22)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Sun May 12th, 2002 at 08:51:53 PM PST
I am writing you to remind you of your rank in this dog-eat-dog world.

You low class computer monkey are %100 replacable. I could train a homeless person off the street to do the same thing you do. Do you know why you are called a "Computer Monkey" in my vast empire of corporations? Because in some departments we are phasing out all humans in IT and replacing them with monkeys. Microsoft Servers have enabled us to do this. All they need to be trained at is if it does not work, just Reboot & ReInstall. After this, there is nothing more for them to learn. It could not be simpler.

You "linux" g**k's on the other hand demand to run hideous software created in third world countries to poor to afford such simplicity as Microsoft Software. You demand free pizza, foosball tables, scooters, stock options (ha! not for fools like you), and pay raises. To top it off, you cannot even make a simple deadline - like a report at 11am on wednesday. We pay you for something that we can easily replace with a monkey, who's only demand is to have lustful, steamy, frothy, filthy dirty, orgasmic, sexual intercourse with our trained female monkey typists and the occasional bannana. A small price to pay for a top notch IT department.

So please, go back to your hole. We do not want to see you or hear you. You are compeltly replacable, so I suggest you shut your mouth, and don't bite the clean, washed hand the feeds you.

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

Just wait... (none / 0) (#23)
by The Mad Scientist on Sun May 12th, 2002 at 09:12:28 PM PST
...for Code Red 3.

Will you sell the tickets for the resulting Mad Monkeys Show? I would be interested.

You sir, are a fool (none / 0) (#24)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Sun May 12th, 2002 at 10:21:45 PM PST
What part of "re-install" do you not understand?

See, you linux g**ks always want to make things more complex then they need be. Your "Operating System" requires extreme maintanance, and the usage of such primitive tools as a "command line" to configure such an unwildy beast. Your operating system requires that you maintain it.

With Microsoft Technology, our staff can consist entirely of trained monkeys. All they need to learn is "reboot, re-install". Infected? reinstall. Crashed? Reboot. Simple. What more could one ask of an operating system?

The answer is indeed obvious - nothing. Not a single thing could one ask for then the sheer simplicity of a Microsoft Operating System.

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

I don't know how you, but... (none / 0) (#25)
by The Mad Scientist on Mon May 13th, 2002 at 01:31:32 AM PST servers never got infected, and they get to be rebooted only because of three reasons: power blackout, hardware upgrade, kernel upgrade.

It will be amusing to watch the monkeys to reinstall, get infected, reinstall, get infected, reinstall, get infected... and then explain the downtimes in their weekly Wednesday 11am reports. So, will you sell the tickets?

Dear "Scientist" Sir, (none / 0) (#27)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Mon May 13th, 2002 at 08:30:45 AM PST
Your alias suggests little about your intelligence.

You do not realize the effectiveness of my program. With the cost saving measures I have taken, I can employee the monkeys with state of the art, triple redunand, fail-safe computing devices. In short, we have no downtime.

However, in the interest of full disclosure, I should say my high power corporation is one of Microsoft's so called "beta testers". As we speak, Dr. Bill Gates PhD is training a new league of even better, certified monkeys to power the next generation Operating System - Microsoft .NET.

Make no mistake about it, in the next five years, your "stock options" will be reduced to monopoly peices that one can find on the side of a super sized McDonalds meal. Not that I eat there.

Thank you.

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

Save me the tickets anyway. (none / 0) (#29)
by The Mad Scientist on Mon May 13th, 2002 at 12:58:19 PM PST
When the famous Microsoft technology will meet a sizable real-world challenge, I wouldn't be surprised if the resulting cascade failure takes down both the main system and the two backups. I think the famous computer problems of International Space Station were of just that kind.

Fail-safe? Explain the worms.

If Billy Boy would stop "inventing" new crappy "features" and make the printers actually working, it would make me really happy today. Making a printer print when it decides otherwise (and insists on that) takes more effort than installing and configuring a whole open-source server.

I am sitting on my stock options like a dragon queen on eggs. You are betting on brain-dead technology, kept alive only with huge capital injections and ravings of a clown. Next five years will show who was right.

McDonald sucks.

Sweet, sweet irony... (none / 0) (#30)
by tkatchev on Mon May 13th, 2002 at 02:00:00 PM PST hear the words "just make the printers work" from a Linux advocate...

Peace and much love...

That just isn't fair. (none / 0) (#31)
by elenchos on Mon May 13th, 2002 at 08:24:38 PM PST
Based on my experience with Lunix printing, there has been no effort whatsoever to attempt to add printing capability to any version of Lunix. If it had ever been tried , we might at least see a few Lunix systems that could at least produce some sort of crude image on paper, but in fact even this functionality does not exist, for any make or model of printer, and for any type of printing format. Yes, a few very inexperienced kids have played with postscript and such and made some fun school projects like "CUPS" and various throwaway print filter exercises, but nothing that is meant for actual release.

If one is to criticize Lunix, one should stick to areas where Lunix has actually ventured, and not fault them for failing to do things that were never attempted. It would be like putting down Boing Aerospace for not making good cheeseburgers or something.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

I prefer... (none / 0) (#32)
by The Mad Scientist on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 04:06:48 AM PST
...when something either does or doesn't work constantly.

Windows are subject of so called "Windows rot". You make an installation, it runs, until one fateful day when *something* *somewhere* happens and it starts crashing (in the better case) or freezing (in the worse one). With no chance to ever figure out what is happening with that damned piece of stinking crap.

The printers in question are old EPSON dotmatrix ones. (No, we can't use anything more modern as we need three copies. No, for some obscure reason we can't just print it three times. These are some weird forms. No, don't ask me why.) I am pretty sure this kind of printer handling is pretty well done in Linux. (Not sure about graphics, though. And can't make sure as I don't have a printer here - never needed it.)

It would maybe get solved if I could set it up different way, which is not possible because of limitations of the necessary software. It's a trivial thing (one port setting for all the LAN), and I can do *nothing* with it as the software is closed-source. I bet it'd be a three-line mod. *spit*

"a three-line mod". (none / 0) (#33)
by because it isnt on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 04:34:15 AM PST
Now I understand. Lunixists measure work effort in the amount of cheap cocaine it takes to fuel them. -- because it isn't

Avoid cheap. (none / 0) (#34)
by The Mad Scientist on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 04:48:56 AM PST
If you want better prices, buy in bulk right from the importers. Better price than the cheapest street one, better quality.

For the projects of common grade of urgency, caffeine should be enough.

Anyway, even if the three lines in question would be the lines of the kind you suggest, it would still be better than being stuck with a program that makes me problems.

Bait for Monkeys (none / 0) (#26)
by Icebox on Mon May 13th, 2002 at 07:13:20 AM PST
Just a note Mr. Cortez:

A good way to placate the coding people is to give them stock options. Not the kind that management gets, but take a look at your company's trading price and add about 300%. Put that option in their contract and tell them that their salary will be the equivalent of $150,000 / year 'if most of it weren't underwater'. You'll satisfy any legal requirements of explaining the contract your state might have, and they are typically too ignorant to know what you are talking about.

This is a cost savings measure I myself have implemented in the past and I received a bonus commensurate with its results.

Nonsense (none / 0) (#18)
by iat on Sun May 12th, 2002 at 02:21:57 AM PST
Managers don't understand computers. They have no technology sense.

Speaking just for British industry (which probably isn't the best example), a large proportion of senior managers are Chartered Engineers. What you fail to realise is that it takes more than technical savvy to run a business. Those engineers with a broad range of skills (including interpersonal/social skills and business awareness) rise to the top of the company. Those who are pure "techies" (like you, I suspect) and are unaware of the bigger picture are forever destined to do menial tasks while blaming management for their own shortcomings. - love it or leave it.

two points. (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by nathan on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 10:37:40 AM PST
  • Sugar poisoning doesn't so much kill you outright as make your ass the size of a celestial body.
  • You may be benefitting from a bizarre genetic anomaly. The dissection and morphological/genetic survey will tell.

    Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

  • Yes (none / 0) (#16)
    by First Incision on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 07:51:18 PM PST
    Unless you are diabetic, your body is extremely efficient at converting sugar to ass-fat. Obesity being THE major risk factor for adult-onset diabetes, you could say sugar poisoning is much more of a chronic thing.
    Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

    The efficiency... (none / 0) (#19)
    by hauntedattics on Sun May 12th, 2002 at 07:23:18 AM PST
    of conversion to ass-fat is probably assisted by excessive computer use and a conviction that sports and exercise are only for those with non-genius IQs.

    Then... (none / 0) (#20)
    by The Mad Scientist on Sun May 12th, 2002 at 02:57:47 PM PST
    ...either I should have the ass of a size of an aircraft carrier, or your statement is wrong.

    Sports are boring. The exception is chess, and maybe golf.

    what about go? nt (none / 0) (#28)
    by nathan on Mon May 13th, 2002 at 11:08:44 AM PST

    Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

    Philistine. [nt] (none / 0) (#17)
    by Anonymous Reader on Sat May 11th, 2002 at 08:03:25 PM PST

    Perfect! (none / 0) (#21)
    by eMan on Sun May 12th, 2002 at 07:34:11 PM PST
    re-orginising our synergys

    Perhaps you would be so kind as to help Dr. Cortez with his spelling? Clearly, his secretaries are too preoccupied with filling the space under his desk to be of assistance. An educated person of your caliber would surely be a vital asset to Martin Cortez Financial. Your employment with the firm would immeasurably improve public perception in these times of financial distress.

    Please send a detailed resume to


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