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Emily Dickinson #864
The Robin for the Crumb 0%
Returns no syllable 0%
But long records the Lady's name 100%
In Silver Chronicle. 0%
c. 1864/1945 0%

Votes: 1

 Paging Dr. Science, paging Dr. Science...

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Apr 09, 2002
...I was just perusing the friendly and informative Food Pyramid printed on the back of a bag of Health Nut (no really) Bread that I was exploiting for the purpose of erecting a sandwich, and I realized my health may be in danger.

And what's more, this danger is ill-defined. Maybe you can help.


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I seem to have done a good job of getting the right amounts of nutrients from the big groups, like Bread, Vegetables, Fruits and so on. I even get some cheese, and from the Meat group I have my share of nuts and beans. This seems an abuse of the word Meat, but I obtain my nuts and beans with a rifle, so it's quite similar to Meat.

But then there is this Fats, Oils, and Sweets group. Now one of the defects in the way I grew up was that we had no Food Pyramid, but only the Four Food Groups, and one of them was not Fats, Oils and Sweets. So maybe because of that, or for some other reason, I don't do well in that category. I hardly touch the stuff, in fact.

So what's going to happen to me? I know that people who eat no fruits and vegetables can get things like scurvey, but what sorts of diseases am I opening myself up to in my lack of Fats, Oils, and Sweets? Rickets? No. The AIDS? Absurd. What?

Obviously this pyramid was prepared by well-meaning folks who want to save me from dread disease, and they are none other that Government Experts, so I know I can trust them. But why the secrecy? Is it so horrible that they don't want me to know?

Hopefully you can help. I realize that we lack the many Scientists (physicsgod, Bunny Vomit, eyespots) that K5 has, due to their membership in the Nazi Party (physicsgod, Bunny Vomit, eyespots). But surely there are some non-Nazis here who know a little bit about this Nutritional and Biological Science stuff.



Lack of exposure ... (none / 0) (#1)
by Ernest Bludger on Tue Apr 9th, 2002 at 11:23:50 PM PST
... to modern day nutritional aids such as Fats, Oils and Sweets (especially the genetically modified ones) could lead to severe combined immunodeficiency (SCID), or the "Bubble Boy" disease. You need small but regular doses. It's like taking a flu shot to prevent you getting sick over winter. Or vaccinations if you are travelling overseas to unclean "third world" countries.

Relax (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by jvance on Tue Apr 9th, 2002 at 11:30:55 PM PST
As you will note on the Food Pyramid, it says in capital letters "USE SPARINGLY," which is exactly what you are doing. Given that here in the United States we practically swim in a sea of fats, oils and sweets, the intent is to advise people to consume less.

You need about one tablespoon of polyunsaturated fats a day, to supply linoleic acid, or "essential fatty acid", and to facilitate absorption of vitamins A, D, E and K. Given that even rice is 2% fat by weight, there is more than that much fat already in your diet.

I'm interested in your beans and nuts procurement technique. If you could post a link to a video clip, I'd be much obliged.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Glucose... (none / 0) (#3)
by tkatchev on Tue Apr 9th, 2002 at 11:38:52 PM PST, primarily, what the brain uses to keep running.

Peace and much love...

glucose (none / 0) (#10)
by First Incision on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 07:27:37 AM PST
Glucose is quite readily obtained from your standard starchy staples like rice, wheat, potatoes, etc. It comes from other sources too, but grains are the main source.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Starch ... (3.00 / 1) (#11)
by Narcissus on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 08:52:34 AM PST
Starch by definition is a sugar. Almost all carbon/water based materials are considered sugars be it glucose, fructose, lactose, etc. Sweets on the other hand are an overabundance of sugar compressed in a little death pill that rots your innards and can cause syphilis and gonorrhea ... ok not really but that would be a good reason to not eat them

Ok, who picked the flower???

Nothing to worry about... (none / 0) (#4)
by poltroon on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 12:07:58 AM PST
I've heard that ice cream is loaded with fats at sweets, so theoretically you have those essentials covered.

The nazi scientists wouldn't be of much help in explaining these essentials to you, I'm afraid; lack of fats and sweets leads directly to emaciation, which is most likely exactly what they wish for you.

Doh! (none / 0) (#16)
by elenchos on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 03:05:34 PM PST
Don't tell them about the ice cream. That was my little secret.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

dammit... (none / 0) (#17)
by poltroon on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 08:34:00 PM PST
I went and flapped my jaw again...

I think some punishment is in order.

Well, you're not getting any of my ice cream. (none / 0) (#18)
by elenchos on Thu Apr 11th, 2002 at 12:17:57 AM PST
I can tell you that much.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

-1, shoeboy&chloedancer n/t (none / 0) (#19)
by nathan on Thu Apr 11th, 2002 at 10:32:10 AM PST

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Sir, (none / 0) (#5)
by elnachos on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 12:38:50 AM PST
I believe one can obtain sufficient fats and oils from a healthy serving of nachos.

For sweets, I heartily recommend natillas.

Your humble servant,

El Nachos.

More than your health is at stake (5.00 / 1) (#6)
by Chocolate Milkshake on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 02:05:35 AM PST
There is a pernicious, virulent, and usually fatal disease than can be caught by anyone who does not partake sufficiently of the three quintessentially American food groups: fats, oils, and sweets. That disease is called COMMUNISM. So watch out.

I'm sorry? (none / 0) (#7)
by DG on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 02:32:49 AM PST
i know this may well be a joke, but i have to ask this.. what does this have to do with the diary entry? i think you are way off topic..
© 2002, DG. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

While the Red Menace still poses a threat... (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by because it isnt on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 02:56:25 AM PST
...communism can never be deemed off-topic at -- because it isn't

Capitalism causes abundant fats and sweets (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 10:17:16 AM PST
while they are rare in Communist countries. In Communist countries, fats and sweets are rare for several reasons. First, the inherent poor economic performance of any Communist country causes fewer fats and sweets to be grown/raised. Second, because a Communist country is a dictatorship in fear of it's own people, it diverts much sugar production to alcohol production (Vodka, bitter, ale) to keep the populace dull and sedated, while rendering much fat into high explosives (during WWII, every American housewife saved her pan drippings for the war effort, a public minded effort we would be well inclined to follow today).

In Capitalism, we have an abundance of fats and sweets, which causes other problems. Humans tend to overindulge in them, but anyone who reads the Gospel is quite familiar with the failures of the flesh.

A. Rightmann

There is no better use (none / 0) (#14)
by walwyn on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 01:35:49 PM PST
diverts much sugar production to alcohol production (Vodka, bitter, ale) to keep the populace dull and sedated

of sugar as the British Empire discovered.

Far from dulling the senses some upstarts have been prepared to lead a life of absolute depravity rather than pay more for their low-grade booze.

Without fats and sweets, sir, (5.00 / 1) (#12)
by jvance on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 09:33:45 AM PST
you would taste like a sawdust slurry.

Look goddamnit, it's all your fault. Every time you post, I want to make a run to Baskin-Robbins.

Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Ah, dietary science... (none / 0) (#9)
by because it isnt on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 05:29:14 AM PST
Kit and the Willow were this camp double act that did Noel Coward-esque ditties. I can't find their songs to link to on the internet so I'll blatantly violate their copyright right here under the auspices of "sharing this gem" with you. This song's all about the various food scares we had in the 1980s. I only heard it once, so my transcription may be inadequate.

Speaking of drink
the Ministry say
if you have more than a very small sherry each day
your gallstones go "clink",
your kidneys turn grey,
your liver balloons like a buffoon in every way.
And after a couple of pints you'll find you're not far from
the state where you're not fit to make paté de la guar from.
And gin, you might as well roll over and die!
The Ministry say stakes are far too high.

And speaking of steak,
the Ministry say
don't touch anything that is marked "USA".
They drench it in lakes
of hormonal spray.
You'll grow big busks like Sam Fox says Mr McGregor.
Your wife'll look more like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Your children'll have voices down here and scales on their legs.
The Ministry says "Sorry, but eggs is eggs".

And speaking of eggs,
the Ministry say
next time you have a fry-up get down on your knees boy and pray.
The Ministry begs
their pardon but they
have turned by the soft-boiled chicked and don't want to play.
So if granny can't suck her eggs then tell her
if she were a chicken she'd be laced with egg salmonella
and be fed to her nearest of kin for lunch if you please!
The ministry says that it's just hard cheese.

And speaking of cheese,
the Ministry say
you'll need water the minute you touch that soufflé.
And speaking of water, don't drink it OK.
It's all been poisoned from Cornwall to Alain de Bays.

So there's nothing for tea that's safe on the list.
Who would be chums with a food scientist?
The whole food-chain's corrupted at every link!
And what ministers say drives us all to drink!
And speaking of drink... -- because it isn't

Food Pyramid (none / 0) (#15)
by First Incision on Wed Apr 10th, 2002 at 02:20:40 PM PST
I'm not sure where I stand on the food pyramid but I was pretty much on target. 8 servings of grains/cereals, 4 servings of vegetables, 2 servings of fruit, 2 servings of dairy and 2 servings of nuts/beans. My problem would be the sweets. My 72 ounces of Dr. Pepper threw me off yesterday.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Hmph. (none / 0) (#20)
by hauntedattics on Fri Apr 12th, 2002 at 11:07:15 AM PST
This is just a not-so-subtle attempt to make yourself feel superior to those of us who, in the course of making our millions, end up on permanent vending machine diets, isn't it? Well, isn't it?!??

Oops, I just went back and read the ice cream exchange. Never mind. Carry on.

(Wavy Gravy or Chunky Monkey?)

Cherry Garcia (nt) (none / 0) (#21)
by elenchos on Fri Apr 12th, 2002 at 03:13:27 PM PST

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill


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