This is an archive site only. It is no longer maintained. You can not post comments. You can not make an account. Your email will not be read. Please read this page if you have questions.
Like many of you, I am a recovering geek. That means that at various times, I've been obsessed with geek past times such as role playing games, japanimation and computer programming. It also means that I've had less than exceptional luck with the fairer sex. That's why I'm posting this story about my first attempt (circa 1995) to lose my virginity. I'm hoping that like Jon Katz's Hellmouth series, this will help the geek community share stories of rejection and humiliation. By exposing ourselved to ridule we will be able to move on and begin the healing process.
Robin was a big woman - not fat mind you, just big. She was 5'10" and built like a brick outhouse. She could bench press more than most of the men in our group.
My first encounter with Robin occured when she was dating my roommate Rick. I was lying in bed reading Salman Rushdie's "Midnight's Children" when she stopped by. Upon learning that Rick was away, she got on top of me, pinned my shoulders back and asked me if I wanted to "make out."
I said "Do I have a choice?"
Besides demonstrating that my skills as a seducer were every bit as primitive then as they are now, this question caused Robin to slug me and storm out.
Days passed, and as the bruise on my shoulder slowly faded, I forgot the incident. All I retained was a strong feeling of admiration for Robin until one drunken night.
It started out innocently enough with my spiritual adviser Galen congratulating me on succesfully driving him home despite a blood alcohol level of "legally dead." As we smoked our cigarretes, Galen turned to me and said "Shoeboy, it's high time you lost your virginity."
"Damn it man, I'm not having sex with you."
"Shoeboy, I may be drunk, but I'll never be that drunk. I was thinking of Robin."
"You must be drunk."
"Don't tell me she doesn't meet your standards."
"It's not my standards I'm worried about, it's my physical safety."
With this exchange, my future was set. Galen would talk Robin into sleeping with me and I'd become a man - or a reasonable approximation thereof.
It started with a game of truth or dare in my dorm room. Robin and Galen were there, as were my friends Buck and Jason. Within minutes, Galen dared Robin to have sex with me. She accepted and my life rapidly began to spiral out of control.
First off, Buck decided to leave. This was actually a nice thing for him to do, but he more than made up for it by adding "I'd love to stick around, but I'm afraid the sight of Peter naked will turn me hetero." I thought this was reasonably clever, but Robin though it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. She laughed so hard, I began to wish her dead.
Then Galen and Jason got up and left. Unfortunately, they didn't leave for good.
On Robin's request, I tied her to the bedframe. Then I started to take her shirt off. Life was good. Then Jason and Galen came back with some freshly made popcorn and a shopping back full of assorted foodstuffs pilfered from my kitchen.
Jason tossed me an aerosol container of whipping cream and suggested that I apply it to her breasts.
"You aren't planning on watching are you?" I asked.
Jason's response was classic. "Duh!" he said, sitting down with his popcorn.
"Shoeboy," added Galen, "think of us as coaches."
At that point, I realized that this probably wasn't going to be a fairy tale experience. Still, I am a professional, and the show must go on.
Galen and Jason's popcorn gave way to M&Ms while on the nipple stimulation front, whipped cream gave way to peppermint oil. It would have been fairly pleasant if Galen and Jason hadn't taken their coaching metaphor quite so far. They were like sexual drill seargents, barking out orders, punctuating them with whistle blasts and demanding that I give them 110%. As my embarassment mounted, I began seriously considering grabbing the broadsword Rick kept in a corner of our room and reenacting scenes from the movie Highlander. Only there aren't any scenes in Highlander where Cristopher Lambert is wearing only his boxers and has choclate syrup and whipped cream smeared all over his face, so maybe that's a bad metaphor.
After a brief huddle, the coaches called the old cunnilingus play. This play is designed to break down the defense and create opportunities for penetration. Unfortunately, I hadn't run it it practice before. I hadn't even studied the tapes. So, as I do every time I'm in an unfamiliar situation, I tried to remember what I learned in scouting. Unfortunately, the scouts only taught me to "Be Prepared" for what ever may come. They did not teach me to be prepared for what may become iritable and sarcastic while tied to a bed frame failing to come.
So there I was: leaning over a naked woman and trembling with a black hatred of the Boy Scouts of America and everything they stand for. "On my honor I will do my best" I thought as I began licking. I continued licking. Robin's body tensed and shuddered. I licked some more. A stray pubic hair found its way into my left nostril.
I am not going to sneeze.
I am NOT going to SNEEZE.
"I'm bored" announced Robin.
"Shoeboy," declared Galen, "you're not doing a very good job."
"Yeah, you need to vary the licking speed" contributed Jason as he pelted me with a handful of M&Ms.
Sneezing would be a REALLY bad idea right now.
"Is he working the clitoris?" asked Galen.
Don't sneeze. Was i supposed to? No sneeze.
"He was, but now he's all over the place."
Mustn't sneeze. Ah, so THAT'S what that thing was. Sneeze bad.
"Jason, why do you think Shoeboy's face is all red and his veins are bulging?"
At this time, I decided it just wasn't worth it. I didn't have an erection, I didn't have any self respect and I didn't care if I never saw another woman ever again. I sat up, wiped my nose magestically and told them to get the fuck out of my room before I became violent.
"But I'm tied to your bed."
"Then I'll leave."
This is a 100% true story.