Apache 2.0 has been for a long time coming with respect to its nearest competitor, Microsoft IIS 5.0. The logical question asked by many system administrators to the Apache team is, "what the hell took so long?" Unfortunately, upon further investigation, it's quite simple to see exactly the problem behind Apache's delayed release. Playing catch-up is not the way to do business.

Just ask any of the Lunix developers, like Alan Cocks, who have spent many years implementing rudimentary core operating system features that Windows has had for years, such as simple disk defragmenters. Did you know there is still no viable Restore Wizard for the Lunix operating system much in the way that Windows ME or Windows XP can restore your files?

Apache suffers from the same 'catch-up' syndrome. The team behind Apache has consistently found Apache merely cloning the features that IIS has had for ages, such as Windows NT Domain Authentication and Friendly Error Pages, which Apache still does not have.

Apache drones are quick to point out the features that Apache does have, of which IIS does not. One particular aspect is its support for low-level binary PEARL codes. Using a DLL file called "mod_PEARL.dll," one can use the PEARL language, created over 15 years ago by Floyd Walton, to execute Intel opcodes to speed up the HyperText Teleport Program, the Apache plug-in which translates binary .CHM (Codependent Hypertext Movement) files for human-readable ASCII (American Strict Code for International Information) export to other non-terrorist nations. The MMX rendering device in your Intel processor speeds up the transaction of these approved .CHM documents by over 80% in comparison to non-MMX Asian processors.

Apache 2.0's implementation of PEARL comes with many benefits. While on one hand, enterprises can now harness the power of Intel's MMX microprocessor, at the same time, the bandwidth output by such a system increases twofold, as Apache must send the .CHM over the raw HTML protocol, which sometimes can increase the download time for modem users by twice as much.

This is where Microsoft IIS reigns supreme. Rather than implement Open Sauce PEARL codecs, Microsoft implemented their own binary parsing application, called ASP - Assembled Site Pages. These pages can contain any form of scripting language recognizable to Windows Scripting Host to designate output to the HTML protocol. ASP has caught on in the business world, and now, over 86% of the Fortune 500 companies are using implementations of Assembled Site Pages to not only maximize the potential of MMX Xeon processors, but also minimize the download times for their .CHM files.

Also lacking in the realm of Apache usability is an easy to use configuration tool for your server. With Microsoft IIS 5.0, you can easily manage your site from the Control Panel of Windows. Unfortunately, there exists no such Control Panel in Lunix unless you use one of the renegade Windows clones such as KDE or Gnome. Even then, you must still MANUALLY edit the Apache sauce codes and change the httpd.conf "directives." This is often time-consuming and bug-prone, as the server itself is not guaranteed to start after any revisions are made.

Where Apache really falls short, as does every Open Sores product, is in the adherence to the law. For many years, Microsoft has implemented RSAC (Rate of Site Appropriateness and Content), which is a content locking mechanism to prevent the prevalence of child pornography on the internet. Apache, like its DeCess Open Sores brethren, refuses to implement simple FBI controls which would prevent this type of obscene, illegal and immoral behavior. Not even a simple inclusion or a "mod_RSAC.dll" codec is included to block child porn websites from the internet. This is more than a glaring oversight - this is a blind slap in the face of the law.

While there is no way to reliably tell which websites are powered by commercial servers and which are powered by Communist clones, many experts in the field claim that IIS holds a large majority share of Fortune 500 companies - businesses in which the satisfaction of customers is tantamount. This is, of course, the opposite scenario from the hacker scene, where illegally modified Apache versions without the Content Rating system allow for the quick and easy transfer of viruses, pornography and terrorist documents.

For any server administrator contemplating upgrading their servers to Apache 2.0, I urge you to step back and think about your actions. Microsoft IIS has a proven track record for the latest patches and security fixes, while Apache drones holler and scream "RTFM" and "COMPILE THIS" in their own little hacker Google Groups. Unless you're a child pornography dealer, you have absolutely no reason to be using Apache at all. Any of the vile, malignant scum perusing the benefits of the 'Apache' distribution mechanism should stop, take a look in the mirror, and turn their life around. There is more to life than the sexual exploitation of children. Get a grip on reality, pervert.

Microsoft IIS is packaged free with all editions of Windows 2000.