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 Why can't I get a second date?

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Apr 30, 2002
In this week's Dear Adam, Adam helps a young man get a second date, and helps a woman orgasm through cunnilingus.

More stories about Sex
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My husband wants to do my ass!
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I have not had relations for months!
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Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I
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Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode II
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Taboo: The Downfall of America
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The supposedly civilized Europeans. (A WARNING TO ALL AMERICANS)
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Caffeinated mints, and getting into the body you desire.
The Heterosexual Geek's Guide to Feigning Homosexuality
I want a mistress!
Mommyism in the Workplace
Lesbian Parenting and the Myth of Gay Children
My roommate is gay! My roommate is a drunk.

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Adam Rightmann

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We are all children of Adam and Eve
I'm a teenager, and I want it bad!
I have not had relations for months!
My neighbors are foreigners, and they don't fly a flag
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Should we circumcize our boy?
My wife hungers for dark meat, and my nephew is a Commie!
My husband wants me shorn!
My inlaws are not fertile!
Help save a baby, and snowballs
What shall we give up for Lent?
Reclaiming St. Patrick's Day
Let us pray for the priests and victims of sexual abuse
I want a mistress!
My roommate is gay! My roommate is a drunk.
Dear Adam,

I hope you can help me with a strange phrase, it may solve my courting woos. I am a young man working in IT, specifically, I am a Macinstosh administrator/technician. I dress well, I'm courteous, I wash and bathe, and have no problem getting dates. However, I have problems getting second dates. Finally, after several first dates and no second dates, I asked a female friend (a rather plain, dumpy young women, you know how IT women are) to ask my dates what the problem was. They said they detected a hint of mint and didn't want to pursue anything further. What is a "hint of mint" and how can I get rid of it?


Dear Pepper,

Well, I found out what hint of mint means, and it was a harrowing, lurid endeavor. I found a reference for that phrase in a magazine called Cosmopolitan, and if you can find a filthier piece of sex obsessed liberalist propaganda, I would be astounded. Well, maybe not astounded, but it's a shallow piece of dreck that brainwashes young women into being sex obsessed clothes horses who would not appreciate a decent, right thinking, God fearing man if they tripped over him.

Anyhow, a hint of mint refers to the suspicion that you are gay. I had trouble understanding this allusion, as I like mint, there's nothing like wrapping lamb in mint and cooking over a hot charcoal fire. But then, this weekend, I was working in my garden and wanted to transplant some mint to a pot. What you think is a mint plant is really a small leafy projection of a deep underground root. The mint plant spreads itself through the garden slowly and insidiously, the tap root growing ever larger underneath the soil, unnoticted by even the most vigilant gardener, until it pops up everywhere in the garden, suborning the whole plot into an orgy of uncontrolled mintness. The allusion between the nature of the mint plant and the nature of the vast homosexualist conspiracy is plain.

So, how can you remove this taint of mint? I can think of a few things, the Macintosh computer is the well-dressed homosexualist computer of choice (as the Lunix computer is the unbathed, unkempt homosexualist computer of choice). Can you change positions to a more manly computer, Windows computers are always good choices, as are Solaris ones? Perhaps you can be a little more aggressive at the end of your date, remember that in addition to deciding if you are compatible, you also want to test the moral character of the young woman. Try a kiss, perhaps a hug, see just how far the young lady will let you go (sex on a first date may sate your animal nature, but it should send up a red flag about the loose morals of the Cosmo reading slattern). Good luck!

Dear Adam,

My husband and I are in our forties, and have been blessed with a large family. Since the disciples, as we've nicknamed our 12 kids have become older and give us more freetime, we've decided to further explore our God-given sexuality. Our problem is that my husband is willing to give me cunnilingus, but he tires so soon, before I can have an orgasm. I like the change of pace, but what can I do to give him more stamina?

Easy Rider

Dear Easy,

Well, I can certainly sympathesize, most men's tongues (with the exception of KISS frontman Ace Frehley) can't touch the sensitive nerves that your average Catholic penis can. And it's good to see that you and your husband are willing to try different things, as long as you don't try various sex acts as a substitute for intercourse or as defacto birth control (and really, what feeling can compare to penile thrusting in the vagina) it's not a sin to experiment with each other. Since you have 12 kids, you've obviously done your part there. Still, the old in and out can get a little boring, and it's far better to refresh your libido with different acts or roleplaying than by violating the sanctity of your marriage. So, for you, I would suggest gently inserting 2 or 3 Hypermints up your vagina a few minutes prior to cunnilingus. They should dissolve, and release a stream of tasty, yet invigorating caffeine and sugar into your husband mouth, giving him the energy to finish the task.


Adam is an idiot (1.00 / 1) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 05:45:17 PM PST
Adam is an idiot, introducing sugar into a womans vagina is a very, very, bad idea, but to make matters fair he fits right in with the rest of the bogus Linux, Communist, gay bashing stories that are usually posted here. I have lately started stopping by this site just to see how bad of information this site can give. Ask any doctor if a woman should put sugar, whipcream or honey into thier who-ha, the answer is don't even think about it. - news for grownups? blahh!!!

Pardon me, (none / 0) (#4)
by zikzak on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 06:10:04 PM PST
What is a who-ha, exactly?

I believe... (5.00 / 2) (#7)
by poltroon on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 08:00:56 PM PST
he is the little brother of Pootie Tang.

So you're saying sugarfree Hypermints (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 07:13:04 PM PST
would fill a marketing niche?

Mr Rightmann, you scare me sometimes...(n/t) (none / 0) (#3)
by budlite on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 06:00:41 PM PST

I am apalled (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 06:46:09 PM PST

I read Adequacy for enlightened religious and political commentary and witty writing. I do not wish to read about SODOMY. This country's laws do not prevent your unconscionable activity, but in the name of decency I demand you discuss these "activities" somewhere other than this site. Adequacy is for decent, godfearing Christians, not sodomites!

Christian? (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by tkatchev on Wed May 1st, 2002 at 01:02:04 AM PST
Christian? I thought Mr. Rightmann was a catholic.

Peace and much love...

Catholic, my dear tkatchev (none / 0) (#10)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed May 1st, 2002 at 05:30:58 AM PST
or even Roman Catholic if you want to be pedantic. Hope your Holy Week has been swell.

A. Rightmann

Pardon me... (5.00 / 1) (#16)
by gohomeandshoveit on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 06:07:56 AM PST
...but isn't your view of the Christian religion a bit skewed (screwed)? As a God-fearing Roman Catholic myself, I am not in the least bit offended by any of this site's content. I think that you are some sort of Pentecostal reject who doesn't curse, drink, or have intimate relations with your mother. Here's some unsolicited advice:
Lighten up, get a life outside of your extremist right-wing church, and don't do drugs.

P.S. To Adam: I had an excellent Holy Week, thanks for asking.

Step One:Read my screen name.
Step Two:Act upon what you just read.
Step Three:Have a nice day.

Mr. Rightman, (5.00 / 2) (#8)
by John Wainright on Tue Apr 30th, 2002 at 09:47:32 PM PST
I frequently agree with your insight and commentary on various issue presented on this site.
However I find myself slightly confused and embarrassed by the lack of accurate information in this article.
If you would permit...

The front man for the Knights In Satan's Service was Paul Stanley. The tongue in question belonged to bassist Gene Simmons who frequently presented himself as a demon.

As for the young man with the dating problem, I would suggest he see a counselor or member of the clergy to help him sort out and repent of his obviously homosexual lifestyle.


Neat dressing Mac user... Nuff said? (none / 0) (#22)
by JoePain on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 05:22:09 PM PST

Yodeling (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by Right Hand Man on Wed May 1st, 2002 at 07:30:08 AM PST
Yodeling classes may also help the husband build the necessary stamina to perform cunnilingus to completion.

If yodeling doesn't fit his style (and it didn't fit mine for sure) I would suggest obtaining some reed type Turkey calls. They help to exercise the tongue with the pleasant side effect of bringing in the wild turkeys like nothing else. Grab a shotgun before a workout, sit out on the back deck, improve your sex life, and feed the family.

"Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

Wind Instrument (none / 0) (#12)
by First Incision on Wed May 1st, 2002 at 05:05:37 PM PST
Wind instruments (other than turkey calls) are also a good workout for the tounge. I suggest a harmonica. They are much more inexpensive than something like a trumpet or saxophone, and are easier to learn.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Not only that ... (none / 0) (#14)
by Big Dogs Cock on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 03:58:30 AM PST
... but harmonica playing is an excellent way to attract women. Few ladies can resist the lilting tones of a harmonica playing Yankee Doodle at speed.<br><br>

Shall we get technical? (none / 0) (#13)
by Illiterate Bum on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 02:45:56 AM PST
Perhaps the oral sex problem lies not in the stamina but in the technique? Not to discredit Mr. Rightmann's wonderful advice, but perhaps the cunnilingus would be improved through better use of the tongue and fingers.

I suggest younger readers stop right here.

Now. I'm serious. Click here.


A fairly effective technique is to ready your partner with some foreplay, like gently stroking and caressing the vaginal and surrounding area (such as the inner thigh). To (most likely incorrectly) quote Monty Python- "you can't just go right for the clitoris!"

Afterwards, as one moves southward, keep that thought in mind and gently tease your partner, spending a bit of time a little bit below the belly button and, once again, around the inner thighs.

Once you feel as if your partner is ready (and if you've been with that person long enough, it should be second-nature) gently probe into her vagina with one's tongue, delicately pushing apart her labia with one's fingers, using a gentle up-down motion. The entire point, right now, is to try and find her clitoris, but in a slow, lazy, withdrawn manner. Nobody (well, most women anyway) likes rushers or people who go down there like they're about to dig for gold. Exceptions to the rule, of course, but it's a safe bet that your partner is probably not like that.

Once the clitoris is found (and it's harder on some women than others) one can begin to play around a little, such as alternating the motion of the tongue to circle the clitoris or by briefly sucking tenderly on it. One is only stopped by one's imagination (or a slap to the head- of course, most of you should know your partner well enough to guess at what will be acceptable and what won't).

Now, try this (mind you, it won't work on every woman)- take one's hand and position it palm up. Insert two fingers into her vagina (slowly and gently, mind you- it's usually recommended that one doesn't thrust) and work the fingers in as deep as one can. Now, while maintaining the rhythm, crook the two fingers upwards and start stroking gently. This, folks, is the "g-spot." If it works, you should notice a visible (or, I guess aural) reaction from your partner. It shouldn't be too long now before she reaches an orgasm.

Now, keep in mind that not every woman has a g-spot, so if it doesn't work, don't go diving back in every single time- chances are, she's just not sensitive there. Also, it is of utmost importance that the rhythm is constantly maintained. Being erratic once in a while is fun, but being too erratic will just keep your partner from acheiving orgasm. Try silently humming a tune in 4/4 time. Not only will it keep one in rhythm, but it'll add a slight vibrating sensation to your tongue and your lips, adding an extra feeling in there along with the other motions. I suggest playing the 2nd track off of the first disc on the Godspeed album "Lift Yr. Skinny Fists...", or perhaps some of the slower, softer tracks off of the DJ Shadow album "Endtroducing". The music will drown out the humming and is quite romantic to boot. Instrumental music is best. Those with vocals is not recommended (for obvious reasons) and classical is too intellectual for the activity and requires too much attention.

(*lighting a cigarette*) (*sigh*)

Now, think about your mother, because I'm sure a great number of you have a lot of dirty, dirty thoughts in your head by now, and we don't need your type here.

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

Sex music. (none / 0) (#15)
by hauntedattics on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 05:55:43 AM PST
I actually find just about anything by the Cocteau Twins to be the perfect accompaniment to an enjoyable night in the bedroom. However, in the interest of trying new things and mixing it up a bit, I will investigate the music you mention above.

Ah, yes. (none / 0) (#17)
by Illiterate Bum on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 10:38:46 AM PST
Thank you for bringing that group up. I too have often enjoyed the Cocteau Twins while engaging in "intimate" relations with another. Thinking of the Cocteau Twins reminded me of another group, though, which I suppose falls outside of my "no vocals" policy- Portishead, specifically the album "Dummy". A better aphrodisiac I have not found. All the darker emotions of sex bottled up nicely in audio form. I have also enjoyed early Massive Attack, and some occasional Thievery Corporation. Come to think of it, these last four groups are probably better suited than the two I brought up in my post. Anybody else have any other suggestions?

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

How horribly, horribly dull. (none / 0) (#18)
by RobotSlave on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 11:40:51 AM PST
As long as we're plodding through the old by-the-numbers timid bourgeois bedchamber DJ routine, why not toss in Enigma and Enya and Kenny fucking G while we're at it? And Ravel's goddamned Bolero, too.

How about someting with a beat, people? Go to your local record store and tell the clerk "I would like some Hiphop, please." Once the laughter subsides, they'll fix you up with something that will, if what I've been reading here is any indication, completely revolutionize your sex life.

Once you've taken the first tentative steps away from the bedroom equivalent of elevator music, you'll find yourself on a road of discovery. On your journey, I strongly recommend you try some Slayer. You haven't made love at all until you've made love to Reign in Blood.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Hip Hop? How about Barry White (none / 0) (#19)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 12:34:03 PM PST
which my wife likes a lot, it puts her in a frisky mood for a game of missionary and pagan. Luther Vandross would work, also.

A. Rightmann

Hip hop to shag to? (none / 0) (#20)
by because it isnt on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 02:46:10 PM PST
How about Your Revolution by Sarah Jones, you sex maniac, you? -- because it isn't

before I changed my ways, (none / 0) (#21)
by nathan on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 04:11:32 PM PST
I have to say that one of the most disturbing experiences of my life was dinner and a slow dance in an ex's apartment to a Piazolla-plays-Piazolla album, followed by sex to Stockhausen's Gesang der Jünglinge.

I'd never do it again, but it was electric.


PS - 'Slave, how about Bizet? Maybe the Shchedrin Suite from Carmen...?
Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Question. (none / 0) (#25)
by Illiterate Bum on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 09:20:52 PM PST
I've never heard Stockhausen (yes, yes, I am a philistine and whatnot). However, I can't imagine it being nearly as disconcerting as something like, say, Fluxus (for lack of a better term). I once dated a girl that liked to put John Cage on during our love-making sessions, occasionally mixing in "Ride of the Valkyries" out of nowhere. I still get shivers when I think about it...

Clank clank clank. Ping. Ping. Ping. Random piano line. (*tape hiss*). And then images of surfing soldiers and airborne cowboys.


"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

Oh, man. (none / 0) (#28)
by hauntedattics on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 09:50:32 AM PST
Minimalism mixed with crazed Teutons. That'd take my libido from 60 to 0 in no time flat.

The only less occasion-appropriate music I can think of is Sousa marches. Or polka.

there is no "Stockhausen" (none / 0) (#31)
by nathan on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 01:42:56 PM PST
Everything sounds totally different.

Gesang der Jünglinge is an early electronic piece. It is creepy but really coherent, which is why it's creepy instead of just being random.

Piazolla's groaning tango ghosts and Stockhausen's quadrophonic fracturing of a child's voice helped to set a very particular mood on that utterly upsetting occasion. Imagine the most beautiful woman and the handsomest man. They are dancing slowly, not looking at one another. He is missing an arm and she is missing a leg. There is a dead dog in the corner. Is this making any sense?

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Holy shit. (none / 0) (#34)
by Illiterate Bum on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 08:29:47 PM PST
That's what the mood was like? Christ, that's disturbing. Mine was just funny and weird; your tale, however, is just downright creepy.

But you have piqued my interest. Any particular piece you'd recommend as a good introduction to Stockhausen?

Also, the whole ordeal sounds like a love scene out of a David Lynch flick. Is this comparison somewhat accurate? And if so, how the hell did you manage to get erect? I'm genuinely curious.

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

sex is Lynchian (none / 0) (#35)
by nathan on Sat May 4th, 2002 at 09:53:45 AM PST
I mean, Blue Velvet is one of the sexiest movies ever. Or Mulholland Drive? Mother of mercy.

Haven't you ever had creepy, nihilistic sex? Or is the fact that this even made sense to me a sign of, in Chesterton's phrase, "a splendid sickness,/The sickness of the pearl..."? In any case, this might give you some idea of why I want to found relationships with women without any explicit sexual element.

By the way, is that a real email address? I don't particularly feel like turning this article into a Stockhausen diary.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Agreed. (none / 0) (#36)
by Illiterate Bum on Sat May 4th, 2002 at 08:54:20 PM PST
But I don't think that I could classify any of my sexual relations as either "creepy" nor "nihilistic." Occasionally weird, yes, but nothing that would even begin to compare to some type of Lynchian experience.
Oh, and my apologies. The email address should read "bored-and-apathetic(at)att(dot)net". I'll get around to fixing that in my user profile. Many thanks in advance if some type of Stockhausen starter list was sent.

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

Shake that healthy butt (none / 0) (#23)
by zikzak on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 07:27:54 PM PST
I'm still waiting to meet a chick who will do the nasty while Lustmord rumbles in the background.

You know... (5.00 / 1) (#24)
by Illiterate Bum on Thu May 2nd, 2002 at 09:08:03 PM PST
one could effectively argue that DJ Shadow is indeed a hip-hop artist, much more so than many of today's modern crappers.

The problem I have with hip-hop as bedroom music is that it tends to ruin the mood. When ever I have intercourse, I like to think of it as something special and romantic, and those two terms really don't carry over that well to a lot of hip-hop. Imagine putting on Dr. Octagon or Antipop Consortium, or, for the Brits out there, Roots M. whilst trying to be romantic with your significant other.

"You look lovely in-"

...he never turns you around, shows you doggy style...

"-the moonlight. The way that-"

...did he lick you there percolate your atmosphere...

"-your hair so perfectly frames-"

...I got a mask at home, boots and some leather gear how 'bout me and you in black I'm hitting from the back...

"-your face, your eyes; I've never seen-"

...juicy brown booty...

And so on and so forth. Most of the girls I've dated would have probably started laughing if I tried this, and goodbye mood. Given- hip-hop is great for bedroom music. But downtempo instrumental hip-hop (like DJ Shadow) is generally a better choice, unless you're dating the "bump n' grind" type of girl. But if I was, I would throw on the almighty DJ ASSAULT. I'm telling you, songs like "Ride it Bitch", "Nipples N Cunts," and "Nut in yo' Eye" will make DJ Assault the Barry White of the next generation.

However, Slayer... now there's a new idea. I don't have "Reign in Blood", but I'll try slipping in "God Hates Us All" next time and see what the reaction is.

So 'Slave... care to share the specifics concerning your hip-hop choices, and maybe a synopsis of your experience with King and co.?

Italicized lyrics from "Girl Let Me Touch You", off of the album "Dr. Octagon," by Kool Keith, DJ Q-Bert, and Dan "the Automator" Nakamura, 1996.

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

Sex is funny. (none / 0) (#26)
by hauntedattics on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 06:11:56 AM PST
Girls might start laughing when you play hiphop in the bedroom, but let's face it. Sex is funny. Really, really funny. Except when it isn't.

Can you fuckers... (none / 0) (#27)
by derek3000 on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 08:33:55 AM PST
please stop talking about this? Jeez.

I'll be back in a hot minute.

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

"Fuckees". (none / 0) (#29)
by tkatchev on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 10:28:38 AM PST
A "fucker" is someone with a penis. Or maybe a small stick, at the very least, if you're willing to put up with counterfeit products.

Peace and much love...

Yeah, yeah... (none / 0) (#30)
by derek3000 on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 11:06:40 AM PST
and a soft pillow is balmy, or something to that effect.

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

Mints? (none / 0) (#32)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 05:56:35 PM PST
Look, i don't have a vagina myself so can't put my theory to the test right now but a vagina has very sensitive skin just like the tip of a penis or the nutsack. Those are definately not spots that you want to get in touch with products containing high concentrations of menthol. This seems like a very uncomfortable sensation, burning like a motherfucker to be more specific.

Adam is an idiot. No offense dude but why anybody would ask sexual advice from a guy who suggests women to insert mints into their vagina goes beyond me.

My favorite booty cd's, while we're at it (none / 0) (#33)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri May 3rd, 2002 at 06:26:06 PM PST
D'Angelo - Voodoo
you might have to skip track 9 because it makes me involuntarily drum on every available surface and not every girl appreciates that eventhough buttcheeks make great bongos :-) but besides that it has some beautiful lovemaking songs on it.

Al Green - Greates Hits
Now this dude loves love.

Jodeci - The Show, The After Party, The Hotel
It's way too mushy and sugar coated to just listen to, but when you're with a lady friend this classic will definately pay off.

bluh i'll keep it at that, i'm tired

My Bedroom DJ Set (none / 0) (#37)
by elby on Wed May 8th, 2002 at 03:36:10 PM PST
I usually pop in a Frogs CD, a Dune CD and some Buckwheat Boyz, put it on shuffle and get on with the love-making.


hmmm (none / 0) (#38)
by nathan on Wed May 8th, 2002 at 05:11:28 PM PST
"The witching way of cock-mastery?"

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Indeed n/t (none / 0) (#39)
by elby on Fri May 10th, 2002 at 12:53:19 PM PST


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