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 Breaking News

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Apr 03, 2002
According to a Reuters story posted a little over an hour ago titled Guantanamo Detainee Claims U.S. Citizenship, al Qaeda prisoners are now using their location on USian soil as grounds to apply for citizenship.

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Apparently the prisoners have discovered a little-known loophole in US immigration law that allows those detained on US soil against their will to apply for immediate citizenship provided they are not within the borders of one of the 50 States or the District of Columbia.

The laws were originally meant to guarantee civil rights protection for those arrested and held captive in US territories where local laws lacked certain Constitutional protections for the accused, such as Guam and Laos. A Congressional researcher contacted for this story notes that the law has been in place since late in Nixon's administration.

"This is outrageous!", cried a visibly upset Senator Patrick Leahy (D - VT) upon being informed of the developing situation, "How could this thing still be on the books?"

Patricia Wenkle of the ACLU announced that she would be handling the detainee's cases. "The law is there", she says, "and it is our duty to ensure that the law is upheld regardless of the current political environment."


I suddenly have this vision... (4.50 / 4) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Apr 3rd, 2002 at 10:24:07 PM PST
...of a movie being made along these lines, about an Al-Quieda operative (Tom Hanks), and rabid anti-American terrorist held prisoner at Guantanamo , who cynically applies for U.S. citizenship, to the chagrin of a fire-breathing right-wing senator (John Lithgow). Aided by a well-meaning but gullible ACLU lawyer (Ashley Judd), the Al-Quieda fighter begins studying the necessary information to become an American citizen.

But something funny happens. As he studies the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and US History, the Al-Queda fighter starts to respect, and even love, the USA. He rejects terrorism, starts corresponding with the leader of a a moderate American muslim group (Mr. T.) and is reborn as an advocate of brotherhood and democracy.

The movie would end with the former terrorist being murdered by his fellow-prisoners. The final shot would be a real tearjerker: a long tracking shot of the reformed Al-Quieda member's coffin being carried out of the prison, through corridors and doorways. At one point, someone drapes a small American flag across part of the coffin lid, and as the casket is carried out the front doors of the prison building, the guards, stern but misty-eyed, offer a salute.

Directed... (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by Hansard on Wed Apr 3rd, 2002 at 11:48:38 PM PST Steven Spielberg I hope.

Who else would lead with Tom Hanks? [n/t] (none / 0) (#3)
by because it isnt on Thu Apr 4th, 2002 at 02:51:16 AM PST -- because it isn't

A few others do come to mind. (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Apr 4th, 2002 at 04:16:54 AM PST
Ron Howard, for one, would be an obvious choice to direct. Steven could always produce, of course.

Like for example (none / 0) (#7)
by dmg on Thu Apr 4th, 2002 at 10:26:55 AM PST
Oliver Stone.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

Oh Please. (none / 0) (#8)
by Hansard on Fri Apr 5th, 2002 at 01:11:14 AM PST
Ron Howard direct such a deep, delicate, film as this? The man's whole career has been based on rehashing episodes of The Andy Griffith Show.

Steven could always produce !!!

I guess Alfred Hitchcock could have always done the catering for Psycho.

You're welcome. (none / 0) (#9)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Apr 5th, 2002 at 03:35:28 AM PST
Spielberg, like Hitchcock, was at his best when directing disturbing psychological pieces like Duel or Jaws.

As a director of political films, however, such as that suggested by zikzak's diary entry, Spielberg is too cloying. Ron can still pull off smarmy political tripe without seeming deliberate, unlike Steven or Oliver.

Oliver, at least, knows his own bias; Steven, I'm afraid, is so enamored of his own convictions that they will overwhelm any script not written by himself.

Listen (none / 0) (#10)
by Hansard on Fri Apr 5th, 2002 at 10:31:07 AM PST
If I want to see another copy of American Graffiti, I'll rent Backdraft. Ron Howard has never directed anything original in his life.

Oliver Stone is a coked-up paranoid. He's only directing movies because some MGM bigwig saw him waving a sign about the end of the world and screaming at people on the street, and brought him back to the studio as a joke.

This story is the story of a man's journey, set against the backdrop of a larger journey--that of the Human Race. Spielberg has shown time and time again his ability to take such a story, and make it accessible, touching and tragic without being too mushy or sentimental. The man is, in a word, a genius. Ron Howard has spent his life trying to be Opie again.

And in other news... (5.00 / 1) (#5)
by zikzak on Thu Apr 4th, 2002 at 09:29:19 AM PST
Professer emeritus of medicine and genome sciences at the University of Washington Dr. Arno Motulsky has given tens of thousands of Arkansas families formal approval to continue practicing their long-standing traditions.

Movie clichés are true. (none / 0) (#6)
by because it isnt on Thu Apr 4th, 2002 at 09:45:41 AM PST
Obviously, Dr Motulsky has never seen the film "Deliverance". -- because it isn't


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