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Classiest Person Ever:
Jackie O 0%
Oscar Wilde 25%
Rush Limbaugh 8%
Zuul 8%
Queen Victoria 0%
Pat Sajak 8%
Winston Churchill 50%

Votes: 12

 Can you help me?

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Apr 22, 2002
I want to be classy.
I don't mean upper class--the only proper way to be one of the aristocratic elite is from birth, and unless my crazy Grandma really is Anastasia Romanov, I'm out of luck on that account.

I want class--that air of sophistication, confidence and style that makes those beneath you follow your every move like starving dogs salivating over a newly-butchered carcass. I want to be like James Bond ordering a drink. I want to be like Roberto Benigni accepting an Oscar. When people talk about me behind my back, I want them to be forced to qualify their slander: "That conniving bastard just swindled me out of a billion dollars! But hot damn, he's got a lot of class."

Class is not easy to come by. The truly classy must be comfortable in all situations, and always have something clever to say. High society is selective--one wrong move and your socialite career has ended before it begun. But I am confident that with the proper guidance I can claim class as my own. I can see it now--I will be invited to the best parties, world leaders and movie stars will be jealous of my success and widowed heiresses will buy me expensive gifts for no reason at all. It is within my reach.

I ask you not to misunderstand this as some pathetic cry for social acceptance. I'm no pimply fifteen year-old, locked in my basement making clumsy keyboard-love to my Linux kernel and fantasizing about Lara Croft. I simply want to take my now-adequate social status to new heights of glory.

Any suggestions on how to realize my dream? I'm sure there are some out there with the social superiority to help me out. I would offer a reward, but those who can help me--the truly classy--are rewarded no matter what they do.


Hmmm. (1.00 / 2) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Apr 22nd, 2002 at 07:36:09 PM PST
I simply want to take my now-adequate social status to new heights of glory.

First, I recommend you learn how HTML links work.

-- Uncanny Vortex

Something I forgot to mention... (5.00 / 1) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Apr 22nd, 2002 at 10:48:01 PM PST
I smell like a wet donkey, and I eat mud.

-- Uncanny Vortex

Get yourself a gold tooth. (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by elenchos on Mon Apr 22nd, 2002 at 08:30:32 PM PST
Nothing says class like a gold tooth. Nothing except perhaps two gold teeth. And don't smoke cigarettes. Get yourself some of those Cigarillos, aka "Little Cigars". They are way classy.

That's about it for having class, if you ask me. A couple three gold teeth, a Cigarillo and, presto! you got class.

You're welcome! Let us know if you need anything else.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Funny. (none / 0) (#5)
by tkatchev on Mon Apr 22nd, 2002 at 11:02:02 PM PST
Around here, the people with the gold teeth are usually illiterate illegal immigrants from Central Asia. The more illiterate they are, the more gold teeth they seem to have.

Anyways, back to the topic...

Peace and much love...

My god. Russia is so barbaric. (none / 0) (#7)
by elenchos on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 12:37:36 AM PST
Haven't you ever visited the West? Haven't you ever seen pictures, at least, of our paragons of civilized living, of class? Baudelaire? Oscar Wilde? Neil Young? Gold teeth all, typicaly the front incisors. Both if they are aristocrats like Winston Churchill.

I would say those poor Chechians that you are currenty carrying out a mad scheme of genocide upon could teach you a thing or two about real class. I guess you see their beautiful gold teeth as nothing but a commodity.

Vodka is classy, I'll give you that.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Here in THE west (none / 0) (#9)
by Narcissus on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 11:06:13 AM PST
as in America the ones w/ the gold teeth are the rap stars who can afford to do something that stupid. the british have them because their teeth are cavity infested and could use a good brushing/high jet powered cleaning

Ok, who picked the flower???

To a racist, rap stars are "stupid", but (none / 0) (#14)
by elenchos on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 03:44:39 PM PST
...normal, decent folks consider the smooth and sophisticated Flavor Flav, Snoop Dog or P. Diddy to be the absolute pinnacle of class. I suppose where you come from, "class" is having a Wehrmacht knife on your belt and a swastika tattooed on your hairy forearm.

No thanks. I know what class is, and I know what being a neofascist loser is. Gold teeth all the way, man.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Whazzat? (none / 0) (#16)
by Illiterate Bum on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 09:09:40 PM PST
Flavor Flav? The guy in the jumpsuits with the giant alarm clock around his neck? Hey man, I love Public Enemy as much as the next guy, but Flavor was not the pinnacle of class. Then again, nobody has been able to pull off that alarm clock necklace thing, so maybe you have a point...

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

Do you know what time it is? (none / 0) (#17)
by RobotSlave on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 12:50:42 AM PST
The fact that Flavor Flav's clock is still probably the hiphop icon most often mocked by the white american bourgeoisie says volumes. Literally.

I could write a book about that clock, and still have more to say.

At one time, it was something of a truism in America that a white man would not give a black man the time of day if asked.

The response to the question "hey, do you know what time it is?" when posed by a black of a white, will tell a lot about the respondant.

An outright racist might check his watch and respond "no." A man who considers his own time too valuable to waste on the questioner might answer "no," even when wearing a plainly visible wristwatch. A man who does not wish to talk to black folk might avoid eye contact and walk away, or quickly mutter "I don't know."

If a white man does give the time, the manner in which he does so is revealing. Does he wear a watch? Is it expensive? Is he willing to make a bit of small talk while waiting for the bus? If he doesn't know, does he guess?

To this day, there are still plenty of black teenagers out there who make a point of asking white people what time it is, just to guage their reaction, and get a sense of how willing people are to interact.

Flavor flav put this politcal pressure guage on his chest, and turned it into a fashion statement. That's pretty damned classy, if you ask me. The fact that white folks to this day make fun of it without any inkling of what it represents just makes me sad.

What's the time?

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Time for me to get a new watch, I suppose... (none / 0) (#18)
by Illiterate Bum on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 01:39:18 AM PST
You are correct (even though I am neither white nor technically American). I hang my head in shame. I will now turn in all of my Public Enemy CDs and declare myself a member of the white bourgeoisie establishment. Can the readership of Adequacy come up with any appropriate punishments for my transgression against revolutionary hip-hop?

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

Or stop wearing a watch? (none / 0) (#19)
by RobotSlave on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 03:29:03 AM PST
What good will it do anyone to turn in their PE records? I suppose it would be more "authentic" to own them on vinyl, particularly the first two albums, but I don't think anyone's going to be a stickler about crap like that.

So you're not white? Neato! But you're not black, either, else you would have trumpeted the fact.

So, have you, a member of a not-white-or-black race, found your own experience of hiphop to be relatively unbiased? It might be an interesting perspective.

Not that it matters, really. Since you're not American, you can't possibly hope to understand what American Culture is like from the inside, so your mockery of Flavor Flav amounts to little more than the laughter that a member of one tribe might briefly direct at the strange clothing of another.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Also... (none / 0) (#21)
by elenchos on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 11:32:32 AM PST
Going back to Frederick Douglass ("put your bucket down where you stand") blacks have debated the question of how long they should wait. The question then is, "Is it time for justice yet?" Whether you are talking about WEB Dubois or Colin Powell, black leaders and icons are measured by how patient they are. Gwendolyn Brooks, in "The Blackstone Rangers" lists the names "Belafonte, King, Black Jesus, Stokely, Malcom X, Rap" in order of their decreasing patience, and increasing willingness to use violence.

So Falvor Flav's clock is also an accusation to crackers who tell African-Americans that the end of racism is coming, but they just have to wait just a little longer, that it would be too disruptive to try to change too much too fast. But justice delayed is justice denied. Tick tock, tick tock...

(P.S. Think time bomb, too, if you want to know why the LA riots happened. Great artists create symbols that are endlessly productive.)

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Nice Posts Vis-a-vis PE (none / 0) (#22)
by doofus on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 06:04:13 PM PST
But are we sure we're not giving Flavor Flav too much credit?

I don't know; I haven't done the research. Are these analyses based on what he says/said or based on what overly-analytical culture mavens say with a confirming, "Yeah, what he said" response from Flav?

For all I know, he just liked wearing a giant pocket watch around his neck.

Enlighten me.

Is Flav conscious of what he is doing? (none / 0) (#23)
by elenchos on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 09:42:07 PM PST
You tell me.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

From A Media Manipulation Standpoint (none / 0) (#26)
by doofus on Thu Apr 25th, 2002 at 10:33:14 AM PST
Yes. Absolutely. And I admire and respect him for that, for sure.

Lacking flavo(u)r (none / 0) (#24)
by Ernest Bludger on Thu Apr 25th, 2002 at 03:19:29 AM PST
I've always thought that F.F. must have had something over Chuck D, for Chuck to put up with him. The 'court jester' routine ("yeeeaaahhhh boyyyy") never did it for me. The clock simply makes him a one trick pony, however important the trick.

Maybe it was based on something that went down in the 'hood (sorry, I mean at college) many years ago. Or maybe Chuck D was just too nice a guy to kick an old friend out of the band. He went hard on the state and soft on his mate.

Chuck D (5.00 / 1) (#25)
by Icebox on Thu Apr 25th, 2002 at 08:16:07 AM PST
Chuck D tossed Professor Grif out of the band temporarily, so I don't think Flav got to stay because they were friends. Flav was a bigger part of the image that PE put up, a bigger part of their message.

As an aside, why is it that geeks always take the opportunity to laud artists that release music in MP3 format, but you never hear them mention PE? I know they are full blown racists and such, but you'd think that they would put that aside to further their cause.

Not that it really matters... (none / 0) (#27)
by Illiterate Bum on Thu Apr 25th, 2002 at 10:52:49 AM PST
But you did raise the question, so just in case you were curious...

Technically I'm half-French, half-Chinese. I grew up in Hong Kong and later moved to England in my early teens. I am in the states (at U. of Chicago, specifically) attending graduate for sociology. So no, I haven't been able to significantly experience American culture from the inside.

I got into Public Enemy because a lot of the homegrown hip-hop in the UK is complete shit (with a few exceptions, like Roots Manuva) and so I had to resort to American imports to get the good stuff. And even then, it was hard to find the real gold (from the underground, like Anti-Pop Consortium or Kool Keith) and Public Enemy was one of the few great major label acts that I had easy access to. I was particularly drawn to Public Enemy because of how honest and angry it sounded, not to mention Terminator X's turntable wizardry. I couldn't really relate to Chuck D.'s politics, but I loved the beat and the ambience, an atmosphere that few modern hip-hop "artists" can match nowadays.

So yes, I suppose that my experience with hip-hop has been rather unbiased. I love the groove, the beat, and the honest, raw anger that many of the US artists projected, but unless the lyrics were particularly poetic or dealt with a subject I could relate to, the politics usually went right over my head. Racism is an aspect of society that I had relatively few run-ins with. Hell, in the UK, it seemed that your soccer team and where you grew up was much more important than the color of your skin, for the most part. It was really only in HK that I really ran into the problem, being a "half-breed" and all. To a lot of the mainland conservative Chinese I represented the "colonial presence," so to speak (even though I'm not even British), in the most heinous form possible. But even then, I suppose I never had to deal with any of the problems that made Chuck and crew so angry and militant.

And yes, after the illuminating information on Flav's clock, I have to completely agree with you- my mockery does amount to little more than the laughter that one tribe might briefly direct at the strange clothing of another.

Oh, and by the way, "God is dead."

No, I have to say that doesn't really work as a response to anything that 'Slave or Elenchos writes, because. We'll see.

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

God _is_ dead. (none / 0) (#28)
by because it isnt on Mon Apr 29th, 2002 at 04:20:27 AM PST
You're meant to go on and quote a bit more, you know, the bit that insinuates that they killed him.

It makes them feel all guilty and stuff, and they hide behind their copy of The Economist. -- because it isn't

I think (none / 0) (#11)
by Hansard on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 12:03:01 PM PST
that gold teeth would be trying too hard. For the classy, everything is effortless.

Besides, once I attain classiness, my teeth will be perfect anyways.

Chechens? (none / 0) (#12)
by tkatchev on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 12:27:47 PM PST
Actually, the Chechens are too civilized to wear gold teeth; the ones with the gold teeth usually seem to be the ones from Tajikistan or Uzbekistan, and also some Central-Asian Gypsies.

Peace and much love...

Give up. (none / 0) (#3)
by Illiterate Bum on Mon Apr 22nd, 2002 at 08:59:35 PM PST
You can't obtain or learn class- either you have the correct mindset and confidence or you don't. Just the fact that you have to ask for help on how to be "classy" is telling of your true nature. To be sure, some of the more adequate among us are just dripping with class, and some are probably kind enough to try and help. However, the truly classy will see through your facade and cast you out into the street with the rest of the rabble. Stay the hell out of our lounges and clubs and mingle with your own kind, peasant.

Then again, you can always buy class. They'll talk about you behind your back, but you won't know that as they'll be all smiles and hellos in front of you. Ignorance is oftentimes bliss.

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

Lounges and clubs? (4.00 / 1) (#10)
by Hansard on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 11:57:11 AM PST
You obviously have no class. The classy spend their time in Swiss villas, on private yachts or in the Hamptons. The only public places the classy even consider frequenting are Parisian cafes, and then only if they are flown in on private jets specifically for the occasion.

You must be a member of the "hip"--that insidious group of charlatans who get their popularity highs by convincing social misfits that they are classy. Hanging around oxygen bars, Starbucks and "art-houses," the hip get their kicks out of cocaine, "counter-culture," issue politics and spoken-word poetry.

Don't worry, I have no intention of coming anywhere near you or your opium dens. I'll leave you and your hipster friends to your little games, to spout off your faux-philosophy and endlessly congratulate yourselves on the class you don't have. I'm afraid I might expose your pitiful attempt at class for what it is, and thus end your blissful ignorance.

Well, almost... (none / 0) (#15)
by Illiterate Bum on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 08:59:27 PM PST
I would have given you a five except you should know that no real "hipster" would ever step foot into a Starbucks. Starbucks is the epitome of cold aggressive capitalism, and we like to frequent dingy, out of the way dives with seedy lighting, where they have John Cage on the jukebox. But the rest is right on the money, captain. Especially that part where we "endlessly congratulate [ourselves] on the class we don't have." We do that quite often. It's a point that we often take pride in.

But the other parts of the post still stand. Either you are born with class or you are not. Those with class are aware of their status, rarely ask for help, and would never take the time to answer to a mere "hipster." More so than the actions you take, class lies in the actions you choose not to take. Lesson learned, junior?

Well, I guess we'll see eventually...

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

I Was Hoping (5.00 / 1) (#6)
by doofus on Mon Apr 22nd, 2002 at 11:37:26 PM PST
you were a time traveler.

Doesn't... (none / 0) (#8)
by hauntedattics on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 05:50:57 AM PST
every family have some eccentric, elderly female relative who claims to be Anastasia Romanov? Your grandma, my (late) great-aunt...

As for being classy, I wouldn't worry too much. In my book, this comment says it better than lessons from Adequacy members ever could.

My Grandma (none / 0) (#13)
by Hansard on Tue Apr 23rd, 2002 at 01:09:33 PM PST
also claims to have dated Lyndon Johnson before he and Lady Bird were an item. Then she starts raving about how with one phone call she could have ended the cold war. When I ask her why she didn't, she just looks sad and asks for her teeth.

The weird thing... (none / 0) (#20)
by hauntedattics on Wed Apr 24th, 2002 at 06:07:25 AM PST
about my great-aunt was that she'd slip the Anastasia thing in with normal conversation, so you'd get sentences like:

"Well, I was out in the garden the other day and all of a sudden my back started hurting from an old injury I got running away from the Communists and..."

It was a little unsettling to a ten-year-old. Too bad your grandma didn't stop the Cold War, eh?


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