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 My regrets are starting to overwhelm me.

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Mar 20, 2002
Maybe you'll make fun of me for this. I probably deserve it, although I hope that this isn't as self-absorbed as the diaries on Kuro5hit (thanks tkatchev).

More diaries by derek3000
Last night kicked an ass
The world lost a great man yesterday.
My top 5
Who's copying whom?
Just read this.
I'm all up in this poetry shit.
What is PotatoError, anyway?
Some of you must be bad drivers.
Can someone...
Maybe K5 is satanic, like tkatchev said.
I might have something...
I need your help
Springtime = Sex
The time is right
Leave Linux to the Geeks
So, how are things at home?
If you had any questions about Christ,
I have been enlightened.
Woe is me...
I am scurred and confused
I was going to go into a longer story, but I'll try to make this simple.

I went to Shippensburg University my sophomore year (`99-'00). It was my first time living away from home. I got involved with a girl, who I am currently living with. What happened in between is what this diary is about.

Basically, I had it pretty good up there. The saying "with freedom comes responsibilities" is usually true. Especially if you really think about what it means--to me: self-sufficience, autonomy, etc. College (at least state college) somehow escapes these laws. So I was free to do whatever I wanted, with virtually no responsibility.

I know what you're thinking: sex, drugs, rock `n roll? Not quite. I thought that I was better than that. What a fucking snob. I went to two parties the whole year, didn't drink in between, and was in the aforementioned monogamous relationship that took 3 months to consummate. Instead I got involved with the radio station as a DJ(this link is not me) and the school newspaper as a photography editor. These activities introduced me to some great people.

One who sticks out in my mind is a girl named Prudence, who was the head editor of the paper. She was always cool/cold, confident and capable. I have a habit of taking things personally, so the cold exterior put me off sometimes. She could also be intimidating. But we all know that there's usually something that gets to people like this--for Prudence it was her boyfriend's idiocy (well, he broke up with her) that did it.

I have never seen such a stark contrast in demeanor. Of course, after a short time of tenderness, Prudence started mixing her cold with jaded. This is understandable. But in between, I think I got to know her a little bit. It's nice to get to know people. Believe it or not, I can relate this to the musical group Tool, even though I don't really like them.

I think that part of their success is that their songs consist of 90% stupid math-rock stuff that makes no sense. Then, when you are ready to give up on the song, they come through with one melodic part that rocks. So Prudence was kind of like this--the little bit that you got to see inside was worth dealing with her (self-admitted) front.

After my one year at Shippensburg, I left to move in with Kristen. We've been co-habitating successfully for a while now. By successful I mean apathetic, frigid and debt-free. I had a dream about Prudence last night (non-sexual), and came into work today itching to get her e-mail address from my Hotmail account. Of course it was expired. No closure for Derek3000. There may be hope yet, though, because I e-mailed her cool younger sister. If I remember correctly, she was a fun-loving gal who knew how to get down.

I know--I'm obsessed with this girl, right? I wish it were that simple. She's just an example. There was a girl at school named Heather who was much better suited for me than either Prudence or Kristen. I think about her sometimes too.

It's probably the weather, but this whole thing has me depressed a little bit/a lot. I'm really trying not to whine, but I've been keeping this feeling in for the last two years: I should have never left. Granted, my life is far from terrible. I live comfortably, I'm advancing in my musical studies exponentially, I've been reading more, thinking more critically (thanks to Adequacy) and I've reconnected with my old friends. But that's been in the back of my mind for a while. 'The back of my mind' doesn't quite imply the heartache, though. Sorry that there isn't a more witty end to this entry. So, yeah. How are things at home?


Trite Advice (none / 0) (#1)
by jvance on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 02:13:29 PM PST
The question isn't whether you should pursue Prudence of Heather. The question is, should you stay with Kristen? Consider your options only after you've worked that one out.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

i dont' really want any of them. (none / 0) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 02:41:05 PM PST
I just regret not staying at school, I guess. Maybe there's something more that I can't see...


Caesura (none / 0) (#5)
by chloedancer on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 06:30:14 PM PST
A favorite couplet of lines came to mind upon reading your musings:

Why you want to save the best for last?
We grow up so slowly and grow old so fast...

The earlier that you learn this, the better off you'll be: Regrets should really be about the things you didn't have the courage to do, all things considered. At least you had the opportunity and inclination to spend time in the company of these women; a fool with reason for regrets would have let these opportunities pass by without risking anything.

If you regret leaving the educational setting, why not set yourself up to go back? My brother is 45 and still pursuing an undergraduate degree; at least you're likely young enough to go back and blend in with a bit more ease, I'd suspect.

(*Robbie Robertson/Aaron Neville, (C) 1991,1988 Medicine Hat Music adm. by EMI April Music Inc. ASCAP/PRI Songs, Inc./Sunset Beach Music BMI.)

thank you Chloedancer... (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by nathan on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 11:14:28 AM PST
For correctly attributing your musical quotation!

If only more people would follow your lead. Lousy IP thieves.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Reasons (none / 0) (#6)
by jvance on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 08:17:58 PM PST
Was moving in with Kristen the only reason for quitting college? Is it still a valid reason? Are there other reasons for not returning? What would you study if you went back?

Man, early 20s. Your whole life ahead of you. Sort this mess out now, and you'll be set all the way to the inevitable angst-ridden crisis on your 30th birthday.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Sadly, it was the reason for leaving. (none / 0) (#7)
by derek3000 on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 06:39:41 AM PST
We were going to move to Baltimore and enroll in Americorps, but we ended up just moving into a regular apartment and getting regular jobs. It was never, and will never be, a valid reason for leaving college. It was the stupidity of two 19 year-old know-it-alls.

If I were to go back to college, I think I would study music--either compostition, theory or performance.

The part I miss the most is living in the dorms--everyone got along with each other and we left our doors open most of the time. Where else can you get that? I'm hoping to rememdy this situation by moving in with friends next year.

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

Knowing it all (none / 0) (#8)
by hauntedattics on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 08:05:33 AM PST
I know this sounds trite and condescending, but the older I get, the more I realize how little I know...about everything. It's an enlightening and humbling experience.

Will moving in with friends next year help or hurt your relationship with Kristen? As for that topic, I wish had more wise words for you. Relationships don't get any easier as you get older, even when you love each other more than anything. Good luck.


Moving in with friends... (none / 0) (#10)
by derek3000 on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 01:40:35 PM PST
will probably lead to a life of wine, women, and song. Which means I will have no time for a serious relationship. This is my way out--I don't want to have some melodramatic break-up, just a slow ritardando to our dirge.

Actually, it's not so bad--to be frank, I gave her the finger-fucking of her life last night--but I'm just not happy. It's not really her fault; I don't think I'll ever find a girl who is willing to put up with all of my shit like she does. I can come home, not come home, wake her up in the middle of the night--she never gets mad. Such a sweet girl surely deserves someone more devoted.

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

Deja vu (none / 0) (#3)
by iat on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 03:53:46 PM PST
This reminds me of when Electric Angst told us about his girlfriend troubles. Of all the websites available, why do people choose Adequacy as a place to bare their soul and seek relationship advice? Surely there must be other shoulders for you people to cry on, where you won't be greeted by the usual cruel/cynical/clueless reactions of the Adequacy editors/readers. - love it or leave it.

that's not true. (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 05:22:20 PM PST
there are a lot of people here who have gained my respect.

I do not spell it "whinging" (none / 0) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 01:46:18 PM PST
Sometimes you don't need a shoulder to cry on. You need a fist to hit you in the face enough times that you quit whining and start acting reasonable again.

The person who realizes when he needs a beating is a wise person indeed.

Exactly. (none / 0) (#12)
by derek3000 on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 03:37:51 PM PST
I was kind of hoping for that too. Sometimes everyone can get caught up in their own troubles and embarass themselves with self-indulgence.

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

tool (none / 0) (#13)
by carrotrope2002 on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 03:40:27 PM PST
I really wanted to like Tool, but when I saw the album cover with the guy sucking on his own.. uh, tool... well, I just knew I was never going to get into it.


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