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Time Travel Abilities
I can travel through time, but only forward 12%
I have an extra vortex laying around that you can have 0%
I am a glowing blue moon crystal distributor 9%
X, Y and Z coordinates are a new requirement; please send an engineering change to the contract 12%
Where is my brain snapshot? I had around here somewhere... 3%
I am a universe editor (ASUE member) 15%
I am an evil alien and have tracked you via your IP token 46%

Votes: 32

 Someone Help This Poor Guy

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Feb 24, 2002

This is something that fell into my In Box the other day. I feel action is needed immediately. If you can help, please let him know.


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message: If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!! I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!

I need to be able to:

  • Travel back in time.
  • Rewind my life including my age back to 4.
  • Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being tampered with again after I go back.

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I am aware that there are many types of time travel, and that humans do not do well through certain types.

I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible. To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of now will cease to exist. I know that there are some very powerful people out there with alien or government equipment capable of doing just that.

If you can help me I will pay for your teleport or trip down here, Along with hotel stay, food and all expenses. I will pay top dollar for the equipment. Proof must be provided.

Please be advised that any temporal device that you may employ must account for X, Y, and Z coordinates as well as the temporal location. I have a time machine now, but it has limited abilities and is useless without a vortex. If you can provide information on how to create a vortex generator or where I can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals this would also be helpful.

I am aware of two types of time travel one in physical form and the other in energy form where a snapshot of your brain is taken using either the dimensional warp or an electronic device and then sends your consciousness back through time to part with your younger self. Please explain how safe and what your method involves.

Also if you are one of the very, very, few beings with the ability to edit the universe PLEASE REPLY!!!

Only if you have this technology and can help me exactly as mentioned please send me a (SEPARATE) email to:

Please do not reply if you're an evil alien!



I don't understand... (none / 0) (#1)
by tkatchev on Sun Feb 24th, 2002 at 09:42:26 AM PST
Why bother with the phrase "do not reply if you are an evil alien"? Chances are, an evil alien would just ignore a plea like that due to his own evilness...

Peace and much love...

Hey, that's a good point. (none / 0) (#2)
by elenchos on Sun Feb 24th, 2002 at 12:10:32 PM PST
The guy was making sense until he said that. Must be some kind of nut then. I hate fucking crazy people. Why can't they all be locked away? Why?

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Either... (none / 0) (#3)
by hauntedattics on Sun Feb 24th, 2002 at 02:06:46 PM PST
he's some kind of nut or he's just incredibly trusting...

I mean, how do you prove to someone that you're not an evil alien?

I'm not an evil alien because... (none / 0) (#5)
by Ernest Bludger on Sun Feb 24th, 2002 at 07:22:28 PM PST
I generally (well, to be frank, never) go around in my UFO abducting people travelling (usually solo) along mid-west US highways and forcing them to undergo DNA testing and anal-probing. But, you know, it's a cynical world out there, and what I'm doing may not be enough to convince all. [I might for example just be a very lazy evil alien...]

THAT (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 28th, 2002 at 11:44:57 PM PST
is just what an evil alien would say.

Nor Do I... (none / 0) (#6)
by doofus on Sun Feb 24th, 2002 at 10:02:20 PM PST
but perhaps being an evil alien and being honest and ethical about your evilness (by not replying) are not too much to expect, at least as far as this guy is concerned.

Whiners (2.00 / 1) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Feb 24th, 2002 at 02:36:09 PM PST
WTF is wrong with people? Every time I turn around, someone's there asking for a handout: one gal needs money to buy food, another guy wants health care for his kids, somebody else needs help to travel back in time...

Someone needs to tell this guy the he's just gonna have to develop his own damn vortex generator. Me, I got enough troubles trying to keep the Cthulhu-spawn from erupting out of my bathtub drain every full moon.


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