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[editor's note, by Peter Johnson] The poets, artists, financiers and philosopher kings (of either gender) who make up the editorial staff of Adequacy.org and comprise its most valued users are often accused of failing to contribute to the technical community that has made them so very wealthy, universally respected and critically acclaimed. Like all of our detractors, the individuals who make these claims are completely and utterly wrong.  We at Adequacy.org are tireless in our efforts to enlighten and elevate the pathetic computer geeks whose labor we have employed in gaining our present status as captains of industry.
Thus it is with great pride that we introduce our latest triumph of philanthropy, a certification designed to improve the lot of the average IT professional. While some might argue that this is not true philanthropy, as we will undoubtedly profit handsomely from the sale of training materials and exam fees, we are certain that once you see the benefits to be realized by obtaining this certification you will dismiss any such arguments as being truly absurd.
The value of technical certification is undeniable. Certifications validate your skills and areas of competency for prospective employers. Once you've successfully completed the training you need, you must have a way to prove your newly minted expertise. The process of certification provides you with a set of credentials that are recognized worldwide. Wherever you go, certifications by companies like Microsoft, Oracle and Sun are recognized and accepted.
Certifications enhance your personal economic potency. In recent years it has been widely reported that certified computer industry professionals make 20% more on average than non-certified professionals who possess an identical skills set. If you have the knowledge, capabilities and aptitude, why not ensure that you're eligible for the highest level of compensation possible?
Record numbers of technical professionals are pursuing certification to become more competitive in an ever-shrinking high tech job market. Even though the number of certified technical professionals has grown exponentially, the demand has grown at least as fast as, if not faster than, the number of genuinely certifiable people.
Whether you are just getting started or are ready to move ahead in the computer industry, the knowledge and skills you develop are your most valuable assets. Enhancing your technical expertise and skills resources should be an ongoing component of your career plan -- think of it as an insurance policy that will enable you to thrive regardless of economic fluctuations that may occur.
In keeping with the demand for new ways to demonstrate one's professional growth within the IT industry, it is with great pride that Adequacy.org unveils a revolutionary certification tract with an astonishingly high degree of value: The LIFE Infrastructure Fundamentals EngineeringTM certification for technical professionals.
LIFETM is a different kind of professional certification. While other certifications attempt to enhance your expertise with regard to the technical aspects of your job, becoming LIFETM certified will enhance all of your waking hours. Even after you leave work in the evening or if, heaven forbid, you should actually lose your job, LIFETM certification will continue to work for you. In today's ever-changing high tech marketplace, the versatile skills set we will impart through our comprehensive training program will ensure that the benefits of getting a LIFETM are truly never-ending.
LIFETM is hard. Pursuing your LIFETM certification is a serious challenge. The exams cover a wide range of topics that require dedicated study and a conscious effort to develop expertise. The vast majority of those who have successfully achieved other computer industry credentials will likely experience difficulty in attaining the status of becoming LIFETM-certified. Indeed, one's ability to obtain LIFETM certification often seems inversely proportional to the number of previous certifications one has attained. If getting a LIFETM were easier, the market would quickly be flooded and the certification would become meaningless. In recognition of this fact, steps have been taken to ensure that the LIFETM certification means its holder is truly knowledgeable and skilled -- that he or she is, in fact, worthy of having a LIFETM.
LIFETM is worthwhile. The benefits of becoming LIFETM certified are numerous, perhaps even exponential! Your skin will begin synthesizing vitamin D, you'll have sex more often and with more desirable partners, you'll look better and feel better, you'll have more energy and enthusiasm, people will stop avoiding you and may even begin to seek out your company for non-work-related contact, your boss will stop calling you "Stinky, the pudgy server-monkey," and may even feel compelled to give you a raise! There's no telling just what you might achieve if you were to get a LIFETM.
Are you qualified to have a LIFETM?To become LIFETM certified, you must pass rigorous exams covering four core requirements and three additional elective categories demonstrating enhanced specialization as outlined below.
Core Personal Exams (two required)
Core Interpersonal Exams (two required)
Elective Exams (Three required)
LIFE Certification FAQQ: How do I sign up for LIFETM certification training and exams?
A: Contact your Adequacy.org training representative for course pricing and schedule information. Serious inquiries only, please.
Q: It appears that the LIFETM certification is targeted exclusively to male technology professionals; is this an accurate perception?
A: In a word: Yes. While it is recognized that there are, in fact, a select few women holding positions of professional responsibility in the high tech industry, Adequacy.org discovered that regular bathing, socialization capability and snazzy dressing skills are generally displayed amongst female information technology professionals to a sufficient degree of accomplishment. As a result, this adequately-skilled population is decidedly a poor target market for LIFETM certification. Adequacy.org's exhaustive research of the potential female market did reveal, however, that a separate certification tract should be developed in the future to address the complex, varied and specific issues faced by female professionals in the high tech marketplace. Reaction to the beta test of Exam 21-0018: Designing and Implementing a Discouragement Strategy Utilizing Pepper Spray has been overwhelmingly positive and we hope to synergistically productise this proactive strategy in a win-win scenario.
Q: Are there self-study options available or are candidates required to attend Adequacy.org's LIFETM certification training program?
A: While attendance at Adequacy.org's training and preparation sessions is not required in order to sit for an exam, we believe that our dedicated, professional staff, certified training materials and patented electro-feedback educational/disciplinary technology is the best method of preparing for the exams. Additionally, while self-study is not prohibited, potential LIFETM candidates should realize that much of the material covered by the exams requires group interaction. Finally, it should be noted that course materials are not now and will never be made available in any virtual format.
Q: Will I be required to go outside to get my LIFETM certification?
A: Yes, in fact leaving your apartment and/or your corporate turf is one of the core requirements for LIFETM Certification.
Q: Are you sure that's safe? After all, "Where the warg howls, the orc prowls."
A: Perhaps LIFETM certification isn't for you.
Q: Will moving beyond my technically-obsessed geek identity by attaining my LIFETM certification reduce me to being nothing more than a nerd?
A: Nerds are individuals lacking in sociality. Geeks are deficient in mainstream social skills. Nerds are less disturbed by their inferior social qualities; they are so consumed by their own particular subject of interest that they care not what the world thinks of them. Simply put, nerds are more fanatical. Geeks are social with others of their own kind and quite often would like to have use of the social skills beyond their limited capabilities, but far too frequently find themselves unable to do so. The core competencies of the LIFETM certification have been specifically designed to address these deficits, fundamentally expanding the geek's repertoire of capabilities beyond anything that could remotely be described as "nerdish."
Q: Won't LIFETM certification make me associate with lusers and lamers and other people ESR assures me are inferior?
A: Yes, but please realize that, in the grand scheme of things, this remains infinitely preferable to associating with ESR himself.
Q: Why is LIFETM certification of value to me as a technical professional?
A: The most important objective of LIFETM certification is to empower you to enhance certain aspects of your wetware which may have been neglected, underutilized or inadvertently stunted during your pursuit of a high tech career. Many in the geek subculture view this prospect with dismay, erroneously equating being a non-geek with being normal. Normal people watch football on Sunday. They have minivans full of kids who get dragged off to soccer practice or ballet lessons with annoyingly repetitive regularity. They watch stuff like The Bridges of Madison County on videotape. However, as accomplished, driven, High-IQ individuals (i.e., geeks), it is essential that you realize exactly how staying locked into one narrow subculture exclusively is analogous to having an über-chubby multi-processor machine and crippling it with Windows ME. Everyone should be able to fit into multiple subcultures and social situations -- getting a LIFETM will give you the skills you need to make that crucial evolutionary leap as an individual working in the high tech industry.
Q: Will my LIFETM certification ever become obsolete?
A: No, however, additional electives will be developed and offered to enhance your skills set on an ongoing basis. To best demonstrate the principle of continued value enhancement in an easily understood framework, we offer the following paradigm:
LIFETM CERTIFICATION == OPTIMIZED FAULT TOLERANCEThe benefits of a LIFETM certification are comprehensive. The expertise you develop during your pursuit of this valuable credential will serve as an asset not only in regard to your employment objectives and experience, but also after you leave your place of employment at the end of the day and even after you've moved beyond your career in the technology industry. When considered from this perspective, it can be said that the benefits accrued while pursuing your LIFETM certification are truly cumulative and enduring.
Q: Will LIFETM certification help me score with 1337 chiX0rz?
A: No, we're afraid there's no hope for you, really. However, LIFETM certification has been empirically demonstrated to benefit persons other than you in this regard.
If you have any further questions or would like additional information about this exciting opportunity, please contact your official Adequacy.org certification representative or her highly capable personal assistant (a recently-certified LIFETM Engineer).
We are certain that, like the dozens who successfully attained
LIFETM certification during our beta period,
you will find LIFETM certification rewarding
and valuable. We've done the hard work of providing a framework for your success, but
the final step is up to you. Good luck and remember:
Be Not So Busy Making a Living That You Forget To Get a LIFETM!