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Should drunks be allowed to sing?
Yes, under all circumstances 8%
Yes, but only the Rolling Stones 8%
Yes, provided the audience is equally drunk 68%
No, drunks should not be allowed to sing 0%
No, people should not be allowed to get drunk 16%

Votes: 25

 Why Drunks Should Not Sing

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Feb 11, 2002
So I was at a karaoke bar this weekend, and a group of inebriated women decided that their very existence, nay, the fate of the entire Universe hinged on their getting up in front of the crowd and singing "My Favorite Things" by Rodgers and Hammerstein. Now, I will grant you that karaoke bars are generally not wellsprings of natural musical talent. But as these women stumbled up onto the stage, I knew we were in trouble.

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The situation was made worse by the fact that the lyrics machine was broken; all the DJ could do is play the karaoke discs .. the singers had to know the words themselves. For those who don't know, the lyrics to "My Favorite Things" go something like this:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
and then I don't feel so bad

Unfortunately, the best that the drunk women were able to come up with was this:

Rainbows on roses and lipstick on kittens
Big plastic buckets and form fitting mittens
Cream colored ponies tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Knights in white satin and brisk apple noodles
Sleigh bells and mittens and warm kitten strudels
Wild birds flapping their brown paper wings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the bee barks
When the dog stings
And I'm feeling mad
I try to remember my favorite things
Then I don't feel too sad.

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What? (5.00 / 1) (#1)
by elenchos on Mon Feb 11th, 2002 at 11:31:55 AM PST
Their version is better. I particularly like "When the bee barks/ When the dog sings". It's like TS Eliot: very productive, compelling imagery. "When the bee barks"; what does it mean? Bees don't bark. So it must be a metaphor, and a powerful one at that. Ironic too, for while the dog (and dogs do sing) may have a bark that is worse than its bite, a bee's bite is without a doubt much worse than it's "bark".

What an inversion!

Could you make contact with these women again? Maybe you could transcribe more of their fascinating lyrics. Perhaps they have a newsletter I could subscribe to...?

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Yur dum (none / 0) (#2)
by tkatchev on Mon Feb 11th, 2002 at 11:43:06 AM PST
"When the bee barks" is not a metaphor. It's an alliteration. A pretty clever one, actually, since it keeps the rhythmic structure intact. If you can keep this up for 10-12 more lines, you'd have a very compelling song.

Peace and much love...

Yes it is... (none / 0) (#3)
by elenchos on Mon Feb 11th, 2002 at 12:03:10 PM PST

    The world is charged witht he grandeur of God.
        It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
        It gathers to a greatness like the ooze of oil
    Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
"God's Grandeur" by Gerard Manley Hopkins, c.1860's/1918. Just because you see alliteration, can you assume that the poet's only motive was to repeat a sound? Or can there be more going on? Like a metaphor, say?

And as a matter of proven fact, I am not "dum". I am smart. HTH.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Rubbish (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Feb 11th, 2002 at 01:47:39 PM PST
You, sir, are clearly not familiar with the African Barking Bee.

CROCODILE HUNTER: And here we have a bunch of bees, pollinating the flowers on this Hanging Jenna Bush. We must be careful not to disturb them... oh, no... a tickle in the back of my throat... ah, ahhh, AHHH-CHOO!

BEE: bzzzzzzzz... bzzzzzz... BOW WOW WOW ROW ROW ROW ROW *sting* bzzzzzz

CROCODILE HUNTER: Ah, crikey! *dies*

Maybe not T.S. Elliot... (none / 0) (#6)
by Bad English on Tue Feb 12th, 2002 at 06:16:08 PM PST
but a poem more in the style of the surrealists or even the dadaists. "Cream colored ponies tied up with strings" and "Wild birds flapping their brown paper wings" are lines that would fit perfectly with any dream vision. What seventypercent declares an "unfortunate" butchering of "My Favorite Things," I'd consider a modern day masterpiece. We should thank these women for their inadvertent contribution to American literature, not belittle them.

Indeed. (none / 0) (#7)
by elenchos on Tue Feb 12th, 2002 at 06:28:04 PM PST
We should thank them, not just for their lyrics, but for their drunkeness. They set an example that all women should follow. Alcohol is the key to a happy and productive life, and a woman who spends the day drunk has had a day well spent.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Indeedy (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by poltroon on Tue Feb 12th, 2002 at 08:35:44 PM PST
I'll vouch for that, and additionally point out that the day after a day spent drunk is sometimes not so productive, so it's favorable to develop an alcohol regimen.

Hmm. (none / 0) (#5)
by hauntedattics on Mon Feb 11th, 2002 at 02:54:41 PM PST
The 'birds with brown paper wings' sounds vaguely like something Lennon/McCartney would have written around the time of Sgt. Pepper. Perhaps your fellow barmates weren't drunk, but having fun with something a bit stronger and more, um, mind-altering?


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