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 home for the holidays. sigh.

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jan 01, 2002
Looks like I have six hours to wait. My bus will be here sooner or later. Chicago is cold, very cold. Just how I left it 2 months ago.

More diaries by astrix
Life Test #1, Question #1453
Juxtaposing San Francisco & Chicago, I find Chicago to be a concrete jungle with no curtain of scenic beauty or free spirit to combat the reality of inner slavery and bondage. In California the mountains greet you when you wake, the global liberal attitude gives the city a free spirit. Like everywhere else though, the under trodden, the helpless, and the poor transcend the glory and beauty of this curtain. Their spirit takes mine to it's depths. I'm also realizing how much larger Chicago is. Flying over the city all you can see for miles are the illusions of a massive sea. A sea of yellow lights, one right after the other. Just as you begin to think that's all Chicago is, you look over your choulder, out the other side of the plane and see monolithic structures, stories upon stories of concrete and glass. They tower over this ocean of lights. They seem to be exactly in the center an dconfined to about 50 square miles. To be immersed in such a sea, especially in daily life, would leave me feeling quite small.

I suppose San Francisco has turned out to be a step up the ladder. I have my quiet suburb to retreat to. It's just outside the city on the hill and a few miles from the Pacific Ocean and the green mountains. It really is beautiful. It's a great start for all it's worth. That will be true no matter how many times I tell myself I'm worthless and will never amount to anything.

It's a little frightening. Something a friend had mentioned to me just 24 hours ago. He was describing how he could actually pin point the voices of good and evil in his mind. He said they sometimes, audibly told him what to do. Sounds like Schizophrenia, but whatever. The reason it's frightening is at that monment I realized I heard voices as well. I admitted this to myself, not to my friend. I hear a good and evil voice everyday. One reminds me in thousands of different ways, even through examples, that I will never amount to anything and that I am a complete failure. The other voices tells me I can be a success. I wonder if these voices belong to my mother and father. Vygotskey and Freud may agree with me, but its a very humanisitc approach. The spiritual outlook is quite obvious. I can't help but wonder that if perhaps I wasn't such a damn Creten I would be more blessed. Examining that just opens up an entirely different conflict regarding my perception of God as either a true diety or simply my own self percieved worthy. What's an alone, unemployed, grave diggger to do? Keep digging.


Chicago (none / 0) (#1)
by nathan on Tue Jan 1st, 2002 at 09:37:16 PM PST
...looks like the capital of some sort of XIXth-century Imperial Rome. It has an amazing, monumental ugliness The suburbs are, of course, much like suburbs everywhere.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Odd (none / 0) (#2)
by Admiral Valkyrien on Wed Jan 2nd, 2002 at 08:43:10 AM PST
Chicago is an extremely beautiful city. Remember how LA has the most pollution of any city in the country, then ask yourself where you'd rather be!

I agree. (none / 0) (#3)
by tkatchev on Wed Jan 2nd, 2002 at 09:30:20 AM PST
Chicago has a certain nordic holistic style that L.A. and New York lack. It must be the northern latitude; as a rule, northern cities are much more rational and ordered than southern ones.

Peace and much love...

Thoughts (none / 0) (#4)
by hauntedattics on Thu Jan 3rd, 2002 at 09:42:25 AM PST
I find your comments about Chicago interesting, since I really like it as a city. But then, I've only spent a weekend there, in a really nice hotel, and restricted my movements to the nicer, greener and more water-related parts of town. Some of the architecture is quite amazing, although I can understand why you might feel small there...and cold this time of year.

As for those voices, telling you that you're a failure and will never amount to need to get a clearer picture of who you are, where you want to go and what you want to do with your life. With that, you will be able to discern the individual instances in which you are a success or a failure. You'll be able to look at yourself in a more objective way, weird and hard as that sounds. I'm afraid the only way I've gotten even close to that point is through time and experience...and constantly telling that negative voice to take a hike. You aren't worthless, you're a human being, which is already glorious (and hellacious) in itself. And only you can decide whether you're a failure or not. Good luck in SF.

End of sermonizing for the day...don't look for any 'Dear Haunted' advice columns any time soon.


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