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 'English Style Lovers', with jsm

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Sep 06, 2001
It's come to my attention that adequacy has acquired a sex column. This is cool by me, and obviously, since is the most controversial discussion site on the Web, it seems hardly appropriate to cavil at the fact that the author of the column is the single member of the adequacy staff who I abhor on a personal level. However, cavil I must, because Adam Rightmann is a fucking fascist, a christian and an Usian. Any one of which ought to disqualify him from giving sex advice to any normal human being.

I tried to reason with elby over this matter, but instead of doing his job and blue-pencilling the Rightmann column, he a) banned me from contributing stories for two weeks after I got a little bit annoyed and jokingly DOS'd the site and b) told me that all I was going to get was a right to reply. So here goes. I'll be providing alternative advice to Rightmann's correspondents under the snappy column title of "English Style Lovers". Although I am in fact Welsh.


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My husband wants to do my ass!
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Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I
My husband wants me shorn!
Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode II
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Taboo: The Downfall of America
The Time is Right for Manual Sex
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The supposedly civilized Europeans. (A WARNING TO ALL AMERICANS)
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Caffeinated mints, and getting into the body you desire.
Why can't I get a second date?
The Heterosexual Geek's Guide to Feigning Homosexuality
I want a mistress!
Mommyism in the Workplace
Lesbian Parenting and the Myth of Gay Children
My roommate is gay! My roommate is a drunk.

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Linux Linux Linux Part Two - Crossing the Linux Fault Threshold
Teaching Astrology In Schools
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[editor's note, by elby] -- this is all more or less unexpurgated

Dear Adam,
My husband has been pressing me to engage in anal sex, and I don't feel at all comfortable with his request. It seems too dirty and animal-like, but as a good Christian I should submit to his desires. Please help me reconcile these two viewpoints.

Mrs. You want to put it where?

I seeeee .... so, hubby is, so to speak, inquiring whether "sarsaparilla" is on the menu? Asking for tickets to "Gary Glitter"? Moving your bank accounts to "Morgan Stanley Dean Witter"? Trying out for the local baseball team as a "designated hitter"? Well, look at it this way; at least he's asking. Many paleo-conservative apes like Rightmann wouldn't so much as bother to wave to the captain before climbing aboard through the "stern porthole". So chin up, love, things aren't as bad as they seem.

In this day and age, the taboos surrounding sexual activities involving the chocolate starfish have all but evaporated. Many celebrities freely admit to indulging themselves in a spot of 'uphill gardening' when the mood takes them. Don't worry, you are not alone. Thousands of women all over the country are having their "hershey highways" thoroughly explored on a nightly basis. There is nothing wrong with it.

Some other religions of the book most notably Islam contend that it goes agains the will of Allah, but from a Modern Christian perspective, there is no reason to suppose you husband should not feel free to 'bowl from the pavillion end' whenever he feels the urge.

You could even try to view it as a blessing in disguise. Since biologists have shown that the rectal passage is not really designed for sexual intercourse, there is no reason for you to feel pressurised into having an orgasm. This means you can finish your sexual congress much more quickly, and free up more time for other fun bedroom activities (which I will describe later).

If you still feel uncomfortable with the idea of your husband penetrating your "winking walnut", remember rule number one has to be that you shouldn't allow yourself to be forced to do anything that you don't feel 100% comfortable with. That's the most important thing of all.

If you don't feel happy with the idea of a "brush in your chimney", then that's the big N-O to the aspiring chocolate-chip-chimney-sweep.

You mustn't, MUSTN'T allow yourself to be put under any kind of moral blackmail to open up your "tradesman's entrance" if that's not what you want to do.

If the whole concept of being an accessory to a "backdoor burglary" turns you off just send your husband to the bathroom with some Kleenex. He will get over it. And if he complains, threaten to tell your Pastor what he has been suggesting.

So, then, how can you make yourself comfortable with it? Start off small, that's my advice. Even the stubbornest "elephant & castle" has a bit of give to it, but relaxation is an art, and best learned a half an inch at a time. A finger, a pencil, a breadstick and such aren't exactly going to "trouble the scorers", and once you've got used to the idea of having "guests in the back room", you'll be surprised how much progress you can make, even quite quickly moving up to more penis-like objects such as carrots and cucumbers before the 'main event'.

Modern technology can also come to our rescue. A whole new range of extra-extra strong condoms are now available for the nascent "chutney chaser". Modern anal lubricants using space-age technology developed for homosexual astronauts on long space shuttle missions can make anal sex if not exactly as pleasurable as normal sex, then at least tolerable for most people. They are even offering free samples so what do you have to lose ? (Apart from your anal virginity, that is !)

Once you are comfortable with the concept of anal lovemaking, its payback time. One good turn deserves another. Its time to suggest your husband starts to practice what he preaches. With both of your "fudge tunnels" introduced to the esoteric delights of hard and fast penetration, you will have turned the page to a brand new chapter in your lovemaking lives, a chapter entitled "English style love".

Please write back and let me know how you got on OK ?

On to the next question ....

Dear Adam,

Please help, my wife is unable to have an orgasm unless I stimulate her with my mouth. What could be wrong with her?

Mr. Tongue-tired

Unable is quite a strong word, my friend, and implies that you've tried every possible alternative. Let me suggest that this may not be the case ... I'm sure you've been "upstairs and downstairs", but have you considered the possibilities inherent "in my lady's chamber"? A lot of men feel uneasy about the concept of walking "in through the out door", and miss out on a world of fun because of it.

Since you're going to be down there anyway, you might introduce the fine lady to the concept of a tingling sensation in the "South pole" by the "slip of the tongue" methodology. I hope I don't need to spell out to you the details involved, but all I can say is that until you've explored every last "back alley", there's no need to accuse anyone of being unable to do anything.

Well I hope that helped, my readers, and with any luck I'll be back to set you straight the next time Rightmann starts pouring forth his lousy advice.

Pip pip!


Wow (none / 0) (#12)
by westgeof on Thu Sep 6th, 2001 at 02:35:11 PM PST
All I can say is that I have never seen so many humourous expressions about something like this in my entire life, and believe me I've hung out with the proverbial wrong crowd for a good part of that life. I like it!

That said, I can't wait to see what kind of replies you get on this, but rest assured that I thouroughly enjoyed this article and will be looking forward to more of the same.

As a child I wanted to know everything. Now I miss my ignorance.

this is the best article on adequacy to date (5.00 / 1) (#14)
by motherfuckin spork on Thu Sep 6th, 2001 at 04:44:28 PM PST
congratulations, jsm, you are a true master.

I am not who you think I am.

Pur-lease! (1.00 / 1) (#16)
by Wiggy on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 01:53:32 AM PST
Listen. I'm willing to make a bet after having read this article. There are several facts that seep through the words, that I think are significant. I bet:

1. You're only about 16-18 years old
2. You're single
3. You're a virgin

Don't get me wrong, your advice is slightly more sane than that given yesterday, but you're still full of crap without a clue.

Should a woman give in to her partner who wishes to experiment with anal sex? No, not unless she wants to. Or, if she is prepared to do that for him, what is he going to do for her? Incidentally, all of your innuendo/anal sex references are pretty weak. In fact, they're terribly weak, and I suspect you've spent too much time trying to write 'comedy' for your sixth-form 'rag' or something.

What should a guy do if his partner can only cum with clitoral stimulation? Accept the following: 80% of women are unable to have vaginal orgasms and can only reach climax with clitoral stimulation. The other 20% are lucky. Guess which group porn stars generally fall in... And isn't it strange that the male-led media (yes, I'm as much a part of this as anybody else) always protray vaginal climax to be 'normal' thereby confusing and frustrating a lot of women who just aren't told the truth? Anyway, he's probably expecting her to give him a blowjob every five minutes, so she should expect the same level of commitment. Accept your partners for who they are or dump them.

Anyway, I really suspect I'm not going to be coming back to for a while. It's descended into a form of controvesy which is so forced and contrived that it's attempting to be funny, except it just looks like a bunch of 16 year olds having a laugh. Unfortunately, the 'editors' seem to think that making bad jokes about anal sex (which I stopped making when I was 14), and general all-out racism and bigotry are funny. I hope that they get out of puberty one day soon. Ho-hum.

anal? (none / 0) (#17)
by otak on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 02:34:02 AM PST
And isn't it strange that the male-led media (yes, I'm as much a part of this as anybody else) always protray vaginal climax to be 'normal' thereby confusing and frustrating a lot of women who just aren't told the truth?
Rubbish. The only section of the media that discusses female orgasms in any sort of a way is women's magazines, and they always make it quite clear that most women can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation.
Anyway, I really suspect I'm not going to be coming back to for a while.
That's a shame - I really enjoyed your religion article (even though you are wrong wrong wrong). Oh well.


you have a point (1.00 / 1) (#18)
by jsm on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 02:43:03 AM PST
I can't speak for the rest of the adequacy editors, but I've been a bit busy with other projects for the last week or so and the quality of my contributions has suffered really badly. Although I have to say that I do find euphemisms for anal sex to be quite funny (and I do think there is some satirical point in the fact that English has so many of them, I'd be the first to admit that this article is hardly my finest hour. Even the links were mainly provided by dmg.

OTOH, I'd advise you to stay at least till next week to see if things get better, however, as I have a more or less free weekend in which to complete the book review of "Atlas Shrugged" and and article on the electoral college which I've been promising for a while. A couple of other editors have been promising for a while, too ...

... the worst tempered and least consistent of the editors
... now also Legal department and general counsel,

Coward (5.00 / 1) (#22)
by iat on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 03:34:08 AM PST
It disappoints me that you can give in to criticism so easily. Where is the old defiant jsm who didn't care when people criticised his work? What happened to the old jsm who unapologetically wrote what he liked?

Your begging and pleading with this reader to return to is pitiful. The old jsm would have told the disapproving reader "Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out", rather than admitting fault with his work.

You are of your former self, jsm. Or you're just an imposter who's hacked the jsm account, while the real jsm is bound and gagged in a car boot somewhere. - love it or leave it.

you, also have a point (none / 0) (#23)
by jsm on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 03:50:25 AM PST
You are absolutely correct, and I can only apologise for the wretched quality of my apologies.

... the worst tempered and least consistent of the editors
... now also Legal department and general counsel,

Hate to burst your bliss bubble, but... (none / 0) (#32)
by chloedancer on Thu Sep 13th, 2001 at 11:00:15 PM PST
Accept the following: 80% of women are unable to have vaginal orgasms and can only reach climax with clitoral stimulation... had me chortling just as much as anything else presented in this thread. I caution you to stop reading right now if you have a vested interest in this belief...

Still reading? Points for courage, then (collect enough and you might actually get something for 'em someday -- just like "keen points" in Calvin's "Spaceman Spiff" game! Have faith!).

So here's the myth-shattering truth... I can't speak for all women (and wouldn't want to, but that's another matter entirely), however, I do know this much is true: a woman's ability to climax from penetration-related stimulation has little to do with her own physiology; the factor of greatest significance being, instead, her partner's configuration (altho' I will admit that the level of passion in play has some influence in this matter). Stated sweetly, if the wand bows, the wizard will keep me enthralled and enchanted long after common sense kicks in (sad, but true). Stated simply, if ya ain't bent, you just don't have what it takes. (For what it's worth, quick 'n dirty phone survey of my three best female cohorts illicited even more laughter and hearty agreement from all.)

And isn't it strange that the male-led media (yes, I'm as much a part of this as anybody else) always portray vaginal climax to be 'normal' thereby confusing and frustrating a lot of women who just aren't told the truth? Just keep telling yourself that if it's really what you need to believe. There is a conspiracy afoot, but let's just say that those who are being duped aren't from the XX-chromosome tribe, ma cher... My genuine apologies if this makes you feel, well, inadequate -- projection is one of the most effective forms of denial, after all.

As to the subject of breeching the rosy sphincter, let's just say it's better as part of a ménage à trois experience. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, after all. My advice is to counter-proposition "Mr. You Want to Put It Where?" in this fashion, if for no other reason than to give him cause to twitch! And don't even think of backing out if he agrees -- it'll be an adventure you can share! Isn't that one of the virtues of a healthy marriage, all things considered?

An aside: My compliments to jsm -- I sense a "perfect fool" in the making and am thankful for having just enough luck to be along for the ride. Thanks for much amusement!

Dancing with Women (none / 0) (#33)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Sep 25th, 2001 at 01:26:20 PM PST
There are three g's that cannot be understood, and instead should either be loved or, if possible, forgotted:


governemt &


Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
If you want to get her ass, then by all means ask.
But don't pretend to strategize. No plan survives contact with the enemy.

Made to Tame Man they were,


I would be more interested (5.00 / 2) (#19)
by nobbystyles on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 03:07:08 AM PST
In a discussion about Welsh style love.

As a city dweller, I don't have access to range of farm animals that you boyos from the valleys have.

So my question is which farm animal is the best shag and what preparations do you need to get the best out of this pleasurable experience?

Trolling! (5.00 / 3) (#20)
by bc on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 03:14:57 AM PST
Nobbystyles, I very nearly deleted your comment because it said that Welshmen are somehow capable of the lighter emotions, such as love.

However your correct summary of the type of creatures they love has saved your post.

I think I'll leave your question to IAT, who is one of the world's best authorities on this subject. He has even worked in the industry, covering it as a freelance journalist for several Northern publications.

♥, bc.

Find it sad (5.00 / 1) (#21)
by nobbystyles on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 03:21:36 AM PST
That you could ever consider me a troll. My posting record indicates a consistent desire on my part to engage in meaningful discussion in the manner prescribed in your FAQ.

I know my first sentence looked inappropriate but one should not always jump s readily to conclusions.

As you are offering a sexual advice service on your fine site, I wish to explore more fully all aspoects of my sexuality....

ask Dr. Hate (5.00 / 2) (#24)
by johnny ambiguous on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 05:20:01 AM PST
First off I want to congratulate you on your excellent choice of title! Just goes to show you that "it's a small world after all"; American-style love (think "liquor," "shame") comes with jsm too, at least when it involves males. And the economy with which you resolve the old problem of "how do you spell that word" (c.f. Kurt Vonnegut's The Big Space Fuck) is impressive; you do it Hebrew-style by simply omitting those problematical vowels altogether.

OK, on to Dr. Hate's answer to the first of those questions!

Dear Adam,
My husband has been pressing me to engage in anal sex, and I don't feel at all comfortable with his request...

Dear put it where?: of course you don't feel comfortable with that request! Consider, as a hypothetical situation, two businessmen, say stockbrokers, chatting over their "power lunch"; one says to the other, "We really got fucked on that deal." What does that mean? It means that his adversary beat him down, that his side lost and the other side won. Now imagine the same situation, but the quote this time is "We really got fucked up the ass on that deal." Obviously in the second case the defeat was far more thorough, more bitter, more abusive, more contemptuously delivered.

Well, that's clearly what your husband is trying to put over on you. I guess the rosy glow of newly married love has faded for you two, eh?

Now consider the fortune enjoyed by men in society, as compared with that of women. As everyone knows, men make more money. Men enjoy the preponderance of political power. Prison statistic show that men commit the vast majority of cruel, self-indulgent crimes. In fact, men are free to indulge the darkest impulses of their libidos, institutionally, in a manner that women can rarely compass; in every nation in the world the local government offers - to men - the opportunity to join an army, where they are free to flout all moral restraints and become professional, mercenary mass murderers. Indeed, after having indiscriminately slaughtered innocent persons like some rabid savage animal, except for pay rather than out of hunger of instinct, he can then go home and openly admit to having been a party to such butchery, and on that basis alone he wins, not the universal opprobrium a sane person would naturally associate with such vicious acts, but instead he wins awards, lifetime pensions, adulation, and an easy free ride into public office!

But the advantage owned by males goes beyond that! Consider actuarial statistics. Everywhere you go (with the possible exception of Afghanistan, where women are denied access to doctors, but as the Koran prohibits the use of arithmetic, no one will ever really know) the life expectancy of men is several years less than that of women. In prison systems, this is known as "gain time," and it is handed out, as a privilege, for good behavior. Think of this foul ball of pain and sin as our common prison, and Almighty God as our Warden and you begin to see the picture.

OK, then, when your horny hubby wants to impose on you anally, this wholly unnatural and unclean perversion he suggests, you should logically interpret it as a slap in the face, as spit in your eye. And how should you requite this deliberate, perverted insult? Some soft whiners would search Scripture for advice, and quote Jesus saying "turn the other cheek." Besides lending itself to an obvious and dreadful pun, this suggestion only leads to worse and worse abuse. No, wise readers seeking Biblical wisdom need look no farther than the prophet Moses's injunction: "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth."

No, "put it where?", this is naked war, and it's time to strike back. Use the one weapon which fate has given you women. Take advantage of America's seventy percent divorce rate and the consequential surplus of horny, lonely guys. Yes, the proper thing to do, in response to his pornographic insult, is to go out and fuck his friends. The closer and older the friends the better.

Note that I said "friends," the plural is very important. Suppose you only fuck one of his friends. In that case your adultery could, in theory, be interpreted as as impulse motivated by uncontrollable passion, by some form of love. Where is the contempt in that? Where is the hate? One could have all the respect and admiration in the world for one's spouse, and yet fall target to one of Cupid's stray arrows; that would conceivably be forgivable, or at least understandable, anyway. But when you spread yourself out indiscriminately to one after another of his horny bar mates, the message will be very plain.

Of course, you'll have to arrange that your shameful illicit liasons come to hubby's attention. Open curtains and nosy neighbors always work well and are a standard technique, but for that extra-special spiteful piquancy nothing works so well as to arrange for a member of his immediate family to find out. Nothing like having one's sister be the one to let him know all about how the wife is putting out! Best of all, in most cases (let's make an exception for certain rural backwaters, after all), as she's a sister, the frustrated cuckold won't even be able to finagle a sympathy fuck!

As far as the anal thing at home with hubby, he may continue to be insistent. One thing that will make this perverted molestation far more palatable is to engage in hot, sweaty vaginal intercourse, with the crudest of hubby's acquaintances, about a half hour before the drunken swine comes staggering home. Then you can offer him your second-best orifice, the preferred one still dewey wet from having been recently plumbed by his cocu. This transforms the naturally shameful, abused sensation of being his "bottom" into an deliciously spiteful thrill.

Finally, you may be tempted to bring home a venereal disease. This is, of course, an excellent revenge technique, especially as he is likely to completely hose his own adulterous affairs by passing it on to his paramours. But you must be very careful! The preferred venereal diseases are those which can be easily cured by antibiotics. Herpes is too weak, and yet paradoxically at the same time you yourself might not ever be able to shake it off. AIDS is too much of an all-encompassing Job-like melodrama to fit the part. What you want is a nice casual case of penicillin-treatable clap. But I don't really know how you can arrange to pick and choose the VD of your choice; you might consider foregoing this aspect of your revenge altogether.

Pip pip to you too, old chap!

Yours Dr. Hate

...gack, I disgust myself!

Getting into my Chevrolet Magic Fire, I drove slowly back to the office. - L. Rosen

grrr (none / 0) (#25)
by jsm on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 05:23:51 AM PST
It's always a pisser when the responses are funnier than the story. As I say, next week will be better.

... the worst tempered and least consistent of the editors
... now also Legal department and general counsel,

Anal sex is Necrophilia. (5.00 / 3) (#26)
by Craig McPherson on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 04:07:12 PM PST
Anal sex is an illness, and I'm about to tell you why. I'm not going to argue the Bible-thumper Christian position, because that's been done before and not everyone reading this will be Christian. Rather, I find anal sex to be sickening on a secular level as well.

What does your penis represent to you? If I were to choose one word to describe my penis, it would be "life." The penis is an organ that creates life. The very seeds of life itself are created inside of our testicles, then those seeds of life use our penises as a conduit for entering the world. If circumstances are ideal, one of those seeds of life will join with its female counterpart and plant itself in the fertile soil of the female vagina, where a new life, a new HUMAN BEING will grow and eventually emerge from the vagina. A new life.

When I look at my penis, I see life. I see a strong, proud and tall organ that has the power to propogate the human species. It pulses with life, energy, and vitality. In my penis is the power to create new life, new hopes, new dreams, new art, new science, and new reality. All life comes originally through my (and your, and your, and everyone else's) penis.

The vagina, similarly, is an organ of life. It is a symbol of fertility and growth; it is the fertile soil in which my seeds of life grow into new human beings. It's the organ of life that gives shape to the seed and nurtures the young human beings I created until they're ready to face the world and see their first sunrise. The vagina provides safety and nourishment for the offspring of my penis until they're ready to emerge into the world. So, in a sense, all life also comes from the vagina. All of history, all the beauty of human society, all our laughter and pain, it all originally came from the vagina where the seeds of our penises grew into human beings.

Now, let's look at a very different organ: the anus. The anus is not an organ of life, but an organ of death. Humans take in food to survive, but the process of digesting this food creates poison that can be fatal to human life. If this poison built up in our system, we would eventually die from it. This poison created from digestion is a haven for disease and bacteria, and although it's home to many microscopic organisms, it's a substance composed not of life, but of death. It is waste. It is waste that can kill us. It is death. We expel this waste from our bodies through our anuses. The anus is our "death organ": the food we take in is a form of life, and the waste we expel is a form of death. The anus serves no purpose but to expel death from our bodies to keep us alive. The anus is death. The anus is one-way. Death goes out. The anus is death.

What does it say, symbolically, when a person chooses to insert his organ of life into someone else's organ of death? What does it say when a person chooses to reverse the function of the anus, by inserting life rather than removing death? What does it say when a person puts life into death?

It says the person doesn't value life. It says that a person's life is fundamentally equivalent to death. It says that the person consideres life to be meaningless and death to be admirable. Anal sex is the equivalent of Necrophila: putting one's life into another person's death is the equivalent of putting one's life into a dead corpse. There's no difference. In either case, life is defiled. Life takes on the symbolism of death, and the person becomes dead on the inside. The person's life becomes coated with death. If you've ever had the opportunity to taste or smell someone's life-organ who has tainted it with death: it no longer smells or tastes like life, it reeks of death, much in the same way that a life-organ that has been defiled inside a corpse does.

This is the same reason I am opposed to homosexuality. Homosexual sex is almost exclusively anal; one man's life-organ (this man is called a "top") is inserted into another man's death-organ (this man is called a "bottom" and usually dresses like a woman or displays female traits). In this way, the entire concept of homosexuality is based on the idea of trying to subjugate life to death. This is the reason why AIDS arose: when life is regularly tainted by death, the life itself will begin to wither and die. 95% of all HIV-positive men who contracted the disease sexually contracted it through homosexual sex. When you dilute life by putting it into death, then the life itself will eventually die.

To those who are considering putting their life-organ into death or allowing their own death-organ to be entered by someone else's life-organ, beware: life has ways of fighting back, and it WILL fight back against you. If you try to make death life or make life death, your own life will become death. Life will find a way, and not allow itself to be tainted. Life will find a way.

If you want to know why Lunix is so screwed up, just take a look at the people who use it. Idiocy.

Nonsense, my good sir (5.00 / 2) (#27)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 09:17:26 PM PST
The anus is not an instrument of death. Far from it! It is perhaps the most noble and neglected of the body's numerous organs. Allow me to explain.

By conveying toxic waste out of the body, the anus performs a vital life preserving function. Whereas other organs stand idly by while Rome is metaphorically burning, the anus tirelessly extrudes coprolyte after coprolyte without so much as a how-do-you-do.

You should be awarding the anus a congressional medal of honor, not condemning it. By your childishness, you are spitting on the graves of American patriots and veterans everywhere. Have you no shame?

And don't even get me started on your AIDS propaganda. We all know that sexual transmission comprises an infinitismal portion of new cases, the lion share being congenital and via drinking-water fountains. You are a hypocrite of the lowest sort that you simultaneously preach this vitriol and libel against the anus while glibly sending the water company hundreds of dollars each year!

Not without my anus. (5.00 / 2) (#28)
by Craig McPherson on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 09:36:57 PM PST
I never denied that the anus is essential to the life process. However, that doesn't make it an organ of life. It's an organ whose sole business is the business of death: gathering death from the body, compacting death into easy-to-eliminate packages (under ideal circumstances), and then expelling those death-packages from the body. This is certainly essential for life, but although it's life-sustaining process, it's without a process of death rather than a process of life. When I think "anus," I think "dark," "evil," and "death." You can argue semantics, but my heart tells me that the anus is an organ of death, and I'll listen to my own heart before I listen to your pro-anus propoganda.

If you want to know why Lunix is so screwed up, just take a look at the people who use it. Idiocy.

Your angst is misplaced (5.00 / 2) (#29)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 7th, 2001 at 10:18:42 PM PST
Have you considered instead venting your anger against the liver? The kidneys? Those are the true organs of death, in the sense that a mortitioner is an purveyor of death.

The anus's function encompasses none of the roles you attribute to it. It's true function is to prevent toxins from seeping back into or otherwise reentering the body from whence they've been expelled. In this sense, anal sex is a boon to these life-preserving processes by adding an extra level of obstruction preventing harmful foreign agents from infiltrating the colon.

Anus horibilis (5.00 / 1) (#30)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Sep 8th, 2001 at 05:29:26 AM PST
The anus is not an instrument of death. Far from it! It is perhaps the most noble and neglected of the body's numerous organs.

I disagree. Although the human anus contains fewer bacteria than the human mouth, that doesn't mean that rim jobs are safer or more hygienic than kissing.

Logic becomes you. (3.00 / 2) (#31)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Sep 8th, 2001 at 04:53:10 PM PST
Wow! This is wonderful! Let me see if I understand you. You eat something bad and your stomach throws it up. The puke is poison, composed not of life but of death. It is waste. It is expelled death. Hence, your mouth is an organ of death.

The words come out of your mouth. The words are poison. The words are death. How can I value life and listen to the words from your organ of death?

Good point buddy . . . I'll leave you and your one neuron to your cosmic speculation.

Hmmm... (none / 0) (#34)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 30th, 2001 at 10:33:12 PM PST
From my point of view, anal sex is ok as long as both parties want to do this. I don't think it's dirty, when you love someone you love every inch of their body, besides, toilet paper is quite effective this day in age.


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