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 Run Away.

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Sep 21, 2001

Too much information follows. You've been warned...


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You know...

Well, last night was a kind of odd, semi-break of my no-fapping rule. My girlfriend and I were having another fight. As usual, it was about sex (I'm beginning to believe they all are, at least on some level.) Our last fight was two weeks ago. I was complaining about the fact that she seems to have no sexual energy. She never comes on to me, she always spends most of the time we are having sex complaining about something. It's all just a big turn-off. At the end of our fight two weeks ago, we agreed that she would try harder to initiate, while I would try to ease up.

Well, in those two weeks, we hadn't done anything. Anything at all. I was letting her hold the reigns and all she did was stop the carriage. I was frustrated (we were already over the U2 thing) and yesterday I let her know.

Finally, later during the night, after we'd spent some time apart, I started to give her a massage. One thing lead to another, and eventually I was massaging between her legs. She wasn't into it, though, and I could tell. All she did was complain about how her hairs were getting mangled and how uncomfortable everything was.

After a few minutes, she told me she didn't want to have intercourse. Instead, we would work on each other. So, I went down on her, but she didn't like that either. I swear, it was really starting to get on my self-esteem. I mean, I used to be good at oral sex. Hell, she used to love it. Now all she ever does is complain.

Finally, I gave up and tried my hand again. She told me to stop, saying she didn't like it being touched while it was so wet. She went to work on me, but I was so upset that nothing was happening. She gave up with her mouth and later with her hand. I took over and finished myself off, as she finished herself off right next to me.

You know what, that seems to be what sex had become for us, masterbating next to each other in bed. I'm sick of it. In fact, I'm practically at the point of breaking up with Laura right now. The trouble is, that will cause a huge amount of crap in both our lives. She'll probably want to move out, which would mean I'd have to move out since I can't afford my place on my own. That means we'd have to break the lease, which would cost us over $400. Then there's the fact that we're both members/officers of the Pagan Student Alliance. One of us would probably end up leaving, which would be a pain. (I've been there longer, and I manage the mailing list and web site. She's friends with more people, as I have a harder time connecting with college freshman...)

All I want is a relationship with passion. I know that to receive passion, you have to be deserving of passion. That's one of the reasons I'm working out. Still, I'm afraid that if I stay with my current girlfriend, I'll never find what I'm searching for.

So, am I going to break up? Who knows. The stability is addicting. I have a feeling, though, that if the stability was upset by something, oh, say this new manager coming in and firing me, than I'd be out of the relationship in a second. I've been thinking about the Army a lot recently. Sometimes I fantasize about a draft sweeping me away from this grey world. Sometimes I think about selling all my stuff and enlisting.

I Love my girlfriend, I really do. At this point, though, I know that we aren't going to be together forever. I mean, both of us knew that from the very moment we first started going out. Still, now I'm beginning to realize that I've spent two years of my life with her, and I'm getting the itch to move on.

I'm writing this here because I need to write this out. I can't write on K5, because she reads that (not to mention things there are far too public.) She swore to me she wouldn't read my adequacy diary, and since she doesn't even really "get" this site, (figuring that it's something like Geekizoid, which she hated) than I should be all right. If you didn't want to know any of this, well, than you should have noticed the disclaimer in the intro. If you didn't, well, than isn't it a shame that you read all the way to the very last word.


I do not envy your predicament (5.00 / 2) (#1)
by motherfuckin spork on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 08:07:58 AM PST
In fact, I feel for you, man. You are indeed in a pickle, for lack of a better cliche.

Having not been in a situation even close to yours for quite a while, I had to sit here for a bit and think about what I might do... take this as you will:

I might think that living apart, but yet in the same apartment could be worth a shot... you've admitted that you indeed do love her, though you're not sure about the longevity of the relationship overall... you might try to let things cool off for a while. Don't do any of that "let's see other people" shit yet - now is not the time to head down that road. Set aside your romantic relationship and concentrate on your friendship. If, after a while, it pans out that things are not repairable, part amicably if at all possible.

You might try to use both your current financial situations as motivation, but do not use it as a crutch... yeah, I know that its not really that easy, but that's why I said ignore all this shit I'm rambling about if you so choose.

Either way, it is always a shame to see a relationship fraying like this - if it is meant to end at some point, at least make it happen under control, which will leave the both of you happier in the end, I think. When things spiral out of control to the end, it can only make things worse.

Damn, I sound like a giant freak, don't I?

Best of luck.


I am not who you think I am.

Sounds rough (none / 0) (#2)
by typical geek on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 09:08:07 AM PST
you might want to try and get a neutral party involved, or try some sort of joint counseling.

At least you'r enot getting a total cold shoulder.

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

Two years is tough (none / 0) (#3)
by donkpunch on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 09:17:12 AM PST
I'm hardly a relationship expert.

I've had three relationships that lasted longer than two years. In every case, I recall the "two year" mark being something of a crossroads.

In every case, I always got very antsy around two years and it was always a period of tension in the relationship. I think two years represents some sort of mental marker between "short" relationships and "long-term-thinking-about-forever" relationships.

It's the point where friends and family feel they can ask about marriage without seeming inappropriate (hint: until announced, it's ALWAYS inappropriate).

It's the point where she starts wondering if she's wasting her time.

It's the point where you both start getting a little bored with each other.

And it's the point where you forget about your life before the relationship and start wondering what other opportunities you might be missing. It starts to seem like the world is full of potential opportunities ("Hmmmm, where were they before I was attached?")

In every case, the tension and impulse to flee eventually passed. To be honest, though, in two of the three cases I would have been better off fleeing. The third case is my wife.

In the cases where I made it past the two year mark and broke up much later, the subsequent breakup was even harder. A degree of comfort really starts to set in.

Of course, my experience may only be relevant to me. I'm a bit of a sap in the love department.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (5.00 / 1) (#4)
by alprazolam on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 09:21:54 AM PST
inertia. A relationship's best friend.

Then end is near. Better get ready for it.

Growing Up 101. (3.00 / 4) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 11:18:09 AM PST
Perhaps you should try building a relationship
that is not based on sex? You know, this weirdness
actually happens. There are wacky people out
there who actually care for each other, and not
for sexual gratification but simply because they
have deep-seated respect and consideration.
Yes, I know this is hard to comprehend if you
are stuck in a 14-year-old's "fuck everyhing that
moves" mentality, but learning to control your
animal urges is part of growing up. Consider
it an adolscent's version of potty training.
My advice is to meet some women, but don't go
"dating". Try for once to actually have a
conversation -- not as a means to getting sexual
favors, but as an end to itself. Eventually,
you'll find a person that you will want to
speak to just for the sake of conversation, just
because that person is special enough for you
to be worth listening to.

Believe me, when that happens, it is worth it.
It is better than sex.

Oops. "adolescent", of course. Sorry. (- (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 11:19:23 AM PST

Heheheh... (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by Electric Angst on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 11:39:37 AM PST
Considering the fact that a little over half of my friends are female, I find this comment really funny.

No, I'm not wanting to "fuck anything that moves." I do sit down and connect with my girlfriend, and it is great. However, there's a name for just being there for each other and having a strong emotional connection: Friendship. Just because we're best friends in our relationship doesn't mean that we should relegate our sexual activity to masturbating in each other's arms once every other week. Also, it doesn't mean that I'm somehow a rabid fuck-fiend if I am dissatisfied with that.

In the dark times, will there still be singing?
Yes, there will be singing. There will be singing about the dark times. -- Bertolt Brecht

Uh, no. (3.00 / 4) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 12:04:58 PM PST
"Friendship" is when you have common interests
you'd like to share. "Relationship" is something
deeper. A "relationship" is forever, or at least
until your psychology radically changes.
A "relationship" is not when you "connect" with
someone, it's when he/she satisfies your
emotional needs for compassion and understanding
*no matter what*. Just for being who you are, not
because you belong to the right social group.

"Female friend" is totally different.
Realistically, it is really hard to be involved
in more than one relationship, simply because
it is hard to get to know a person well enough
unless you communicate with him/her constantly
during several years.

Good sir (none / 0) (#9)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 12:20:33 PM PST
While I find your syntax rather harsh and comments abrasive, you do seem to have a firm moral grounding. Would you consider signing up here?

A. Rightmann

You, sir... (none / 0) (#10)
by William Jefferson Klinton on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 12:27:42 PM PST
...are a fake Christian and obvious troll. Please stop trying to disparage *our* (not your) faith with your low-down scum-bag trolling.

P.S. This site has a firm "no trolling" rule. Any more of this abuse, and I might have to report your behaviour to the site's administrators.
-- Amateur politician, liberal, and sex enthusiast. There is no contradiction.

You seem to be threatened (none / 0) (#11)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 12:43:58 PM PST
by my right thinking firm moral rectitude. You might with to ask your clergyman why that is so.

A. Rightmann

I don't appreciate your insinuations. (none / 0) (#12)
by William Jefferson Klinton on Fri Sep 21st, 2001 at 01:31:32 PM PST
Just because I enjoy some good clean sex
"on the side" does not mean that I am a
"bad Christian".
-- Amateur politician, liberal, and sex enthusiast. There is no contradiction.

Ouch. (none / 0) (#13)
by plastik55 on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 08:26:39 PM PST
Jump. Jump now.

You fucking terror midget. Die a firey fucking death. -- Matthew 30:06

On second thought (none / 0) (#14)
by plastik55 on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 08:33:00 PM PST
Jump later.

You fucking terror midget. Die a firey fucking death. -- Matthew 30:06

A quiet suggestion (5.00 / 1) (#15)
by SpaceGhoti on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 10:33:39 PM PST
As MFSpork put it, take this as you will.

I think you hit on the solution in your observations. Nothing was working, the mood was dead. She was trying to get you off, and nothing was happening because you were too upset.

Sex, like most everything else, is 10% physical and 90% internal. That internal can be varying mixes of mental and emotional, it's highly personal. It sounds like what's happening here is that you've got the physical urges, but neither of you is connecting on any other level when it comes to intimacy. You have a wonderful friendship and an emotional bond, but it isn't extending itself to the bedroom.

My recommendation is to make peace with her. Set the sexual issues aside for a while. Don't surrender, just take a break so that neither of you needs to worry about it for a bit. Then start paying attention to her in non-sexual ways. Try to think of ways to compliment her. Arrange a meal that she hasn't had in a while, but enjoys. Pay attention to little details.

After a little while, come back to the sexual issue. Don't sit down and talk about it, try holding hands and learn how to kiss all over again. Learn how to tease her, do it briefly and let it go again. Anticipation is an incredible aphrodisiac. She'll be suspicious about what you want at first; point out that half the fun is learning how to tease her.

It works for me, anyway. Maybe it won't work for you. Maybe it will. But it's a suggestion.

A troll's true colors.

Have you tried talking to her in a British accent? (none / 0) (#16)
by jin wicked on Sat Sep 22nd, 2001 at 11:23:51 PM PST
That usually works on me. (Well, it probably would. :)

"Ars longa, vita brevis...Art is long, life is short."

Dear friend, (2.66 / 3) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Sep 23rd, 2001 at 08:40:15 PM PST
Women are almost completely worthless. They are basically good for only one thing and even that isn't all it's cracked up to be (as you have discovered). Your best bet would be to take up a drug habit. At least you don't have to remember its name and so much as look at it when you come down.


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