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Most energetic females in the sack?
Redheads 37%
Brunettes 25%
Blondes 0%
Shaved-headed 37%
Oddly-dyed 0%

Votes: 8

 Lust for Life

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 30, 2001

You ever see somebody go from quiet and depressed to ape-shit self destructive right in front of your eyes? It wasn't pretty.

I figured I was at the point in my life where I wouldn't be serving witness to any more melt downs.


More diaries by Electric Angst
Feeling So Real
Well, let's see what happens...
Break My Body, Hold My Bones.
I'm sick. Fuck Off.
I Guess I'm Just a Sick, Sick Bastard.
Smile Down on Me
Bloody Your Hands on a Cactus Tree...
Oh my Golly!
I Want A Girl With A Mind Like A Diamond
Mister Macho Man, Is It True?
No L-O-I-T-E-R-I-N-G Allowed
Ever Fallen in Love With Somone You Shouldn't Have Fallen in Love With?
There She Goes...
You're Older Than You've Ever Been. And now You're Even Older.
34 Cent Stamps.
Wish You Were Here
That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood.
Oh, by the way...
You Know...
-Giving My Goodbye
I'm Gonna Play All Night.
Well I'm Just a Modern Guy...
Run Away.
Something in the Way
The Fact That I Adore You is Just One of My Truths.
It's Over.
Ho boy I'm Fat!
The funny thing is, trhurler lurks and reads this...
The Plan...
Why do I feel good today?
Shit I'm Horny!
Damn damn damn.
Good Day
Much and more...
Let the Bible Belt Come and Save My Soul.
A Query.
I know why Europeans hate Americans...
Ok How I Wish...
Rich Man
Thank Goodness.
Yule is Coming!
Unfettered Boobies
Here We Go...
Dinner Tonight.
You know...

Then again, perhaps I'd overgeneralized my own recent stability for something that was inherent in the new enviornments I was entering.

Either way, it was a very interesting experience. I was watching the exact same explosion of loneliness and despair that I used to experience from an outsider's perspective.

The funny thing was, this friend of mine, he was talking about his anger at me for being so happy. Just goes to show how your perception of yourself and other's perceptions can be so different.

For me, this weekend was the triumph of sloth. I just bring myself to care enough to get anything important done. Things that were really nessicary, too. From depositing Laura's half of the bill money on the bank to working out, it all managed to slip my mind. In fact, while I only got four hours of sleep last night, I slept so much during the weekend that I'm not even tired right now.

This, of course, means that I have to get to work this week. I can't let things slip me by, and I can't give in to lazyness.

I remember, during my first summer off from college, I kept a pen-and-paper journal. Besides chronicalling the trials of a newly-employed factory working clocking in at least 80 hours a week, I also used it to diagnose what was wrong with me. Or rather, problems I had that needed to be fixed.

It's interesting, because those problems are almost exactly the same now as they were then: I need to be slower and more thoughtful when I speak. I need to have a higher energy level. I need to improve my physical endurance.

Being slower to speak is something I've improved, but I'm not quite where I want to be. This is primarily because I've yet to be as knowledgeable as I want to be. Come to think of it, I'll almost certainly never be as knowledgeable as I want to be, but right now I have yet to reach a level that I would consider acceptable, when I may only speak on manners in which I am well versed, and not have to remain mute a majority of the time.

The second is perhaps my primary concern at this time. Right now it's a lack of energy that's causing a majority of the problems in my life. If I had more "get up and go", than I would be much better off than I am right now.

The third is also important. It seems that even when I do have the energy to do something, I can't always finish the task. Originally, I put this on the problems list because I was having trouble keeping up with a former girlfriend in bed. Not sexually, mind you, I could always go the distance that way, but physically. She wanted me to go so fast, so hard, and would never get on top to do the work herself, that I would be worn out and barely able to keep up with her rather forceful insistance that I be faster or harder. (Also, she would sometimes look at the centerfolds of my Playboy magazines while we fucked, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about that.)

So, for about the millionth time, I've identified the problem. The next step, is to list the actions that I can take to fix the problem...

But you know what, I'm not going to do that. Because every time I do, it just continues the cycle of "despair, identify problems, identify actions to remedy problems, partake in actions for a little while, let laziness overcome, despair."

No, this time I'm not going to list, I'm just going to do. Starting right now, as I head off to the bank to keep my account afloat...


Appeal to Authority (none / 0) (#1)
by Peter Johnson on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 10:22:51 AM PST
James Joyce notes in Ulysees (through his character Malachi Mulligan) that "red-headed women buck like goats."

As Mr. Joyce was an Irishman, it's reasonable to assume that he bad a great deal of experience with both goats and red-heads.

Mr. Joyce is also responsible for the "Shoeboy" nickname. It's from The Dubliners.

Are you adequate?
Are you adequate?

So wait, (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by TheReverand on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 10:25:17 AM PST
Are you saying you actually were able to finish 2 entire Joyce novels? I find that hard to believe.

Reading Joyce (none / 0) (#4)
by Peter Johnson on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 10:29:58 AM PST
I found the infamous "brothel scene" in Ulysees to be extremely rough going until I came back from a night of drinking black and tans and tried it. I was too drunk to understand it, so I didn't even try. I just let the words flow over me. It was amazing. After that, I learned to do the same thing while sober. You don't drink the words, you swim in them. It's worked well, but I haven't worked up the courage to try Finnegan's Wake.

Are you adequate?
Are you adequate?

Joyce (none / 0) (#5)
by Electric Angst on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 11:33:13 AM PST
The Dead was the only Joyce I've ever experienced. I must admit that it was a very good read. In fact, that's perhaps one of the only good things to have come from my English Literature class, having a go at all the readings they gave us. (The lectures certainly weren't worthwhile...)

In the dark times, will there still be singing?
Yes, there will be singing. There will be singing about the dark times. -- Bertolt Brecht

Hello all you happy people! (5.00 / 1) (#3)
by Orion Blastar on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 10:27:42 AM PST
I think that was one of "Droopy's" lines?

Anyway being one of the depressed people, who has a history of self-desrtuction but hasn't died from it yet, I can say that it is all self-directed. I have not taken it out on anyone but myself.

Happiness is where you can find it. Internal or External sources of happiness can be found. My depression apparently filters out happiness and makes my mind forget happy things. It is like a mental filter. But I am trying to adjust to it and fight it so I can be normal, whatever that is? ;)

My antidepressants are being changed, and might be changed again. They will most likely keep being changed until they find the right one, or I die from my illnesses and the side-effects the antidepressants are creating. (Like being too sleepy from the antidepressant and crashing my car and dying from the crash?)

You leave the heads on? Ewww! (none / 0) (#6)
by elenchos on Mon Jul 30th, 2001 at 09:36:30 PM PST
Doh! Wait, that's for my serial killer character. As you were, carry on...

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill


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