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Driving an SUV
is my God given right as an American 17%
compensates me for my extremely small penis 20%
makes me feel like an invincible king of the road 0%
is the only way I can get my fat American ass inside a vehicle 12%
is how I indicate my wealth and good taste to the lesser people in society 15%
is a sign of blatant homosexuality 33%

Votes: 39

 SUV's Bigger and Better - The Ultimate American Dream

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 19, 2001
There has been a lot of controversy recently over America's love-affair with the SUV (Sport Utility Vehicle). There have been criminal left-wing protests, and even threats of legislation that aim to increase taxes on SUVs.

What is behind all this unreasonable anti-SUV hysteria ?


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America has always been a mobile society. From the very beginning when the pioneers took to their covered wagons and tamed the wild wild west, up until today where vacationers take their Recreational Vehicles around the Arizona desert, Americans have enjoyed being 'on the move'.

Americans have had a love-affair with the automobile since Henry Ford invented mass production, and gave every American the means to personal freedom. Indeed the motor car has been the dynamo that has powered the US economy into an "era of unprecedented prosperity". So why then are so many people jealous of SUV owners ?

Size has something to do with it. America has always been the country of the Whopper, the Big Mac, the Double Gulp, the World Trade Center. Everything in America has always been larger-than-life, and thats the way we like it. Hell, even our porn stars are bigger and better than everyone else's. Is it any wonder then, that some people who do not own SUVs are jealous of their impressive size ? This penis envy, plain and simple.

Then you have the environmental industry. The myth of global warming has been presented as fact so often, that it is hardly surprising when some people start to believe it it is true. This misplaced belief that SUVs are in some way responsible for the mythical global warming also goes toward explaining the antipathy toward SUVs in some quarters that results in petty vandalism

Then you have the jealousy angle. SUV drivers tend to be successful individuals, with high incomes. (needed to pay the ludicrously high gas taxes in the USA). Whereas in previous years the American nature was to applaud success in all forms, the modern cynical approach is to sneer at success. This can probably be traced back to the grunge music movement from Seattle

So, to sum up, we have a jealous group of people, swayed by junk science into hating the American dream.

Now to set the record straight, I am bound to point out some facts to these misguided people. Aside from the fact that global warming is a myth, there are plenty of advantages to SUV ownership and usage.

SUV drivers pay more tax - this means they are better citizens that the drivers of Euro economy sedans. A modern BMW 330Ci can manage over 30MPG, but an SUV is lucky to break into the low 20s.

Most SUVs are American. The SUV driver is supporting American industry, he is not exporting jobs to foreign countries.

SUVs are more rugged and last longer. Therefore they are more environmentally friendly.

SUVs can go off road easily. This means that they can tolerate poor road conditions, and therefore if we all drove SUV's we could save taxpayer's dollars by reparing fewer roads.

Americans are getting fatter every week, and many of us no longer feel comfortable in the standard sedan, with its cramped interior. The SUV offers huge amounts of space for our ever-increasing posteriors.

So in the final analysis, it seems that contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with owning and driving a huge SUV. It just means you will have to deal with a lot of misinformed morons and environmentally unaware idiots. Hey, who said life was easy ? But driving sure is fun when you can look down on almost everyone on the road :-)

What do others think ? I am only interested in hearing pro-SUV views, the anti-SUV brigade get far too much coverage.


Poll (none / 0) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 02:46:36 PM PST
There are no god given rights.

Bull. (none / 0) (#3)
by nx01 on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 03:38:46 PM PST
This response just shows how closed-minded you are. Please, open your mind to God (and the Great Bird of the Galaxy).

"Every time I look at the X window system, it's so fucking stupid; and part of me feels responsible for the worst parts of it."
-- James Gosling

Huh? (2.33 / 3) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 07:54:19 PM PST
Gene Rodenberry is not god

Bull. (none / 0) (#15)
by nx01 on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 09:30:11 PM PST
This response just shows how closed-minded you are. Please, open your mind to God (and the Great Bird of the Galaxy).

"Every time I look at the X window system, it's so fucking stupid; and part of me feels responsible for the worst parts of it."
-- James Gosling

Great Bird of the Galaxy? (none / 0) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 09:45:50 AM PST
You mean Big Bird from Sesame Street?

Yes there are. (none / 0) (#6)
by dmg on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 04:31:18 PM PST
There are also constitutional rights such as the pursuit of happiness, freedom of speech and the right to bear arms.

Just because you don't like it doesn't make it untrue.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

Economics (none / 0) (#4)
by SpaceGhoti on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 04:09:16 PM PST
Well, haven been given the perspective of this article, I now feel slightly less hostility toward SUVs than I did before. SUVs are, in fact, Darwinism in action. SUV owners are paying more for the luxury of taking up their half of the road, increasing the rate at which they fritter away their money faster than ever before. Soon they'll have this great big status symbol resting patiently in their garages, waiting for them to scrape their pennies together to try to fuel it.

Thank you for opening my eyes. I'll try not to get too upset the next time one cuts me off because he couldn't be bothered to look for my mid-sized, fuel-efficient sedan.

A troll's true colors.

Unfortunately, you are correct (none / 0) (#5)
by dmg on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 04:29:48 PM PST
About the Darwinism. What we are seeing on our roads is in fact, a Darwinistic arms race. Survival (in the broadest sense) may mean saving money to some. To others with a more aggressive driving style, the protection afforded by a humungous SUV could be crucial.<p>
In our economy, the social costs of the SUV are borne partly by the other drivers who are forced to share the roads with them.<p>
When I bought my small german convertable a few years ago, the SUV threat was not as great as it is now. I am seriously considering making my next vehicle a large SUV (a Hummer H2, or possibly a Range Rover) simply because if I get hit by some other moron in an SUV, I stand more chance of surviving and spreading my genes.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

Why not just donate a lot of spunk? (none / 0) (#16)
by elenchos on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 05:02:06 AM PST
I mean, if spreading your genes is like the #1 thing, you could have a really massive, Mormon-like impact on the gene pool by just getting in the habit of visiting your local sperm bank every week, or day, or whatever you do. You could even make a point of visiting banks in cities and towns across the country, as time allows. And you'd actually be making money in the process!

How many children would you father that way, over the course of say, ten years? I don't mean "spreading your genes" as a full time occupation; only in your spare time. Call it one per week, 52 a year: that's 520 dontations. Could you get 10 kids out of the deal? Twenty?

Even ten is a lot more than other guys. Wow. What if you kept at it for twenty or thirty years? The thought just gives me goose bumps... and stuff.

I'm going to go practice now...

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

if you wrote an article on this subject (none / 0) (#17)
by jsm on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 06:17:07 AM PST
I would certainly consider posting it. I might even help with some links. The thought has certainly crossed my mind too. Note however, that there is only a small window of opportunity to wank through, as sperm is on its way to technical obsolescence.

... the worst tempered and least consistent of the editors
... now also Legal department and general counsel,

You're not wrong (none / 0) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 06:28:14 AM PST
Note however, that there is only a small window of opportunity to wank through

You're not joking! Have you seen the size of the openings on those bottles they ask you to wank into? Trying to shoot your load through that tiny aperture is like parking an SUV in a matchbox.

I'm still unlcear as to the purpose, actually. (none / 0) (#19)
by elenchos on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 06:31:47 AM PST
If you *do* pass on the most genes what does that get you? Is there a prize or something? That part always bugged me.

I've also started to worry about the existence of pros. What about guys who quit their jobs and go full time on the sperm bank circuit. Town to town, season after season (is there an official season?), like some kind of unstoppable sperm machine. They could father 100 or 1000 children, which would totally overwhelm the 10 or 20 that we mere amatures could put out. Should there be some kind of rules? Leagues perhaps?

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

not so easy in USia (none / 0) (#23)
by elby on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 02:39:21 PM PST
In USia, donating sperm to a sperm bank does not necessarily absolve you of child support responsibilities. Legally, even if the person who made the withdrawl signed a legal contract stating that they were completely responsible for the child and that the donor could not be forced to pay any support, they could still turn around and track the person down and force money out of them. The reasoning behind this is that the rights for child support is not the mothers right, it is the child's right. I believe the very issue has been making it's way towards the court lately.


SUVs are bad, but inevitable (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by Logical Analysis on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 05:21:13 PM PST
I am actually an opponent of the horseless carriage. I find them to be noisy, dangerous, and the leading cause of the eyesore known as suburban sprawl.

Nevertheless, one must accept that the automobile is here to stay, and the SUV is the best type of automobile there is.

The modern upper middle class American faces many obstacles while driving, from urban gangs to gaping potholes. Hell, just last week I had to drive over the curb and up on the sidewalk to get around an accident.

Does anyone seriously think that a Ford Escort or Pontiac Grand Am or any of the other Japan-a-junk have the power needed to overcome these obstacles?

Picture this: I'm driving in downtown Chicago when some gangbanger who has never seen a Bible in his life comes up and tries to wipe off my window with his dirty scrub-brush. Now let me tell you right now folks, I'm an American and I believe in the right to have my window as dirty as I see fit.

In a Honda Civic I'm going to be stuck there while he rubs his scummy rag on my windshield because quite honestly my car is too wimpy to run over a man. Then the freeloader is going to ask me for money for performing his "service!"

On the other hand, in my Lincoln Navigator I will be able be able to drive past the little bastard and not even feel the bump as I run over his foot! And even if I do stop he won't be able to reach the window.

Let's face the facts folks: man is an animal. Red in tooth and claw. You've got to be prepared for the worst when you are out on the streets. It's a dog-eat-dog world. And the fittest dog survives because he has the wisdom to buy a reliable automobile.

I for one plan on surviving this evolutionary phase! Long Live Ford Motor Company!

Environmental disaster! (none / 0) (#8)
by green fighter on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 07:03:26 PM PST
How can you possibly defend SUV's? Are you totally insane, dude? I mean all these big huge cars are causing global warming and making big holes in the ozone layer! And here you are saying that it's ok to drive them. That's just wrong.

You should try getting away from those ridiculous, biased sites you are linking to and try reading something like Get a clue, man.

Hey I don't agree, but this is funny (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 07:47:22 PM PST
This site has some cool pictures.

not to burst your bubble or anything... (none / 0) (#13)
by motherfuckin spork on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 08:23:54 PM PST
but in your poll you might have included the voting option of "is a sign of blatant homosexuality".

There is clearly a link between the two, and I'm rather shocked that you failed to mention it.

I am not who you think I am.

Henry Ford Invented What? (none / 0) (#14)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jul 19th, 2001 at 08:48:57 PM PST
If anything, Henry Ford did NOT invent Mass Production, he merly adapted it to the automobile. Mass production (interchangable parts, assembly line) was originally introduced to the united states by Eli Whitney when he invented (stole?) the cotton gin. He mass produced this, but even those plans were stolen from a british corp.

get your facts straight!

SUV's purchased by ignorant sheep consumers (none / 0) (#20)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 07:51:42 AM PST
Why would you want a vehicle that

1) handles badly
2) guzzles gas like water
3) rolls over more readily
4) not held to same crash standards as cars

The explosion of SUV sales is caused by advertising and Keeping-up-with-the-Joneses. When the Big3 found out that they could make more money selling SUVs than selling cars, marketing went into overdrive.

Let's look at dmg's points:

<em>SUV drivers tend to be successful individuals...So, to sum up, we have a jealous group of people</em>

Can't argue with that. Could it also be that these slow moving, extra large vehicles block the view of automobile drivers, and accelerate slowly?

<em>SUV drivers pay more tax - this means they are better citizens that the drivers of Euro economy sedans.</em>

Pay more tax=better citizen? Please email me the name of your drug dealer. He/she sells good stuff.

<em>Most SUVs are American. The SUV driver is supporting American industry, he is not exporting jobs to foreign countries.</em>

I'm sure no SUV's are built in Canada or Mexico, right? Actually, I'd bet most of them are.

<em>SUVs are more rugged and last longer.</em>

Consumer Reports disagrees with you.

<em>SUVs can go off road easily.</em>

99.999% of their owners never do. So who cares about off road ability?

<em>This means that they can tolerate poor road conditions</em>

I'd bet SUV owners hate driving over potholes too. After all, wouldn't want to wear out that big shiny expensive truck they just bought.

<em>It just means you will have to deal with a lot of misinformed morons and environmentally unaware idiots</em>

dmg... unaware idiots... hmmm... dare I put the two together?

Tragedy of the commons... (none / 0) (#21)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Jul 20th, 2001 at 08:27:13 AM PST
I find the comment that SUVs "last longer" absolutely ridiculous. If anything the reverse is true and the greater stresses and demands put on the structure and engine of the vehicle cause quite the opposite. In any case many SUVs contain over twice the material than a car, so unless they last twice as long that point is moot (though, as mentioned, I'd like to see some states: I would bet you that an average Honda Civic will be on the roads a lot longer than a Ford Explorer).

SUVs are responsible for killing thousands of people. SUVs have horrible braking power. SUVs consume ridiculous amounts of gas (which increases demand which increases prices). SUVs put greater stresses on the roadway. SUVs cause accidents indirectly by blocking people's view.

SUVs represent the tragedy of the commons: People who are willing to get ahead at everyone else's expense. The dislike of SUVs has NOTHING to do with "jealousy" and everything to do with seeing the tragedy of the commons play out: People willing to kill other people so they themselves are safe. People willing to consume all the gas as long as there is gas. People willing to pollute far more than their share.

Sidenote: SUVs have nothing to do with success. As is the case with most vehicles, just about anyone can afford any vehicle up to around $40,000 : It just matters what you're willing to compromise. Personally I like small little efficient 4-door sedans because a car is a simple utility that gets me from point A to point B, but if you presume anything from that about my income you'd be very very silly.

Another view (5.00 / 1) (#24)
by Rand Race on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 11:28:27 AM PST
I don't mind (to terribly) that SUVs are environmentaly disasterous and I don't mind that they are expensive useless status symbols. What I mind is that they are slow and huge. Not penis envy mind you, my RX-7 is a perfectly adaquate expensive penis extension to rival any SUV ever made. My car's purpose, to go very, very fast, is however thwarted by these so-called vehicles. Why can these... uh, people who drive these things not get out of my way? Always they drive in the inside lane which has morphed from the passing lane into the SUV lane apparently. Do they not realise that they should make way for their betters?

The worst is that I live in a very afluent neighborhood located on top of a 2000 foot ridge. Of the four roads up the hill only one has two lanes per side. About 50% of vehicles on this road are SUVs, about 40% are sedans, and 10% sportscars. So what do I experience and witness every day? Hot speedy road demons on a road worthy of a GT course stuck behind Slow Ugly Vehicles because these things are too huge to stay in their own lane on a curvy road (if they even bother to try). I tell you, you will weep seeing a GT2 porsche, a Z06 'Vette, and a Ferrari Mondial qued up behind a GMC Yukon going 15 miles per under the limit. It's a tragedy worthy of Shakespear if'n you ask me.

They have nothing on me; My mileage is every bit as horrendous as their's is, my maintenance costs are in the same ballpark, I make up for bad weather handling with dry weather handling an SUV owner can only dream about in their stickiest fantasies, and Mazda is owned by Ford so I'm supporting our nation's industry.

Not all americans are fat, some of us are lean and wish to go fast. SUVs are a deterrant to a much older american pastime, Fast Driving, and should therefore all be melted down into sports cars. We could probably get two or three sportscars out of the steel used to make one SUV.


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