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My life is one absurdity after the next. Of course, I make this happen myself, I know. Either that, or my existence is definitive proof of an Almighty (other than Natalie Portman, that is). Actually, that's exactly what it is. Proof of a God. Because such things couldn't possibly happen without a sick, degenerate intelligence behind it all, laughing hysterically at the misadventures it has so deviously lain before me.
As some may be aware, one of my favorite haunts (my only favorite haunt other than my apartment) is one of the local Blockbusters. My local Blockbuster is unique in that every single worker there is a blonde. I was even verbally punished for pointing this out to the assistant manager one evening.
However, the thing with Blockbuster is not the opportunity for some small shred of social contact. That would be absurd. I realized long ago that I am to be denied this human luxury. No, Blockbuster is nothing more than an endless supply of fuel for my already excited imagination. After all, any building that contains every single film ever to feature Natalie Portman is nothing less than a shrine.
And so it was, last night, that I found myself there again. I'm very disappointed with my local Blockbusters, all of them, because not ONE has "Back to the Beach" or "Teen Witch". I've been craving these movies recently. I knew, from past visits, that these movies were not going to be had, so I browsed for something equally worthless.
I nervously examined the comedy, science fiction and horror sections, all notorious for their incredibly low-grade fare. Occassionaly, I would twitch as I looked up and noticed some undesirable entering the store. I prayed to my own personal God that none would cross my path before my mission was completed. Particularly, the toothless 40-something year old woman, who drove in in a pick-up with her greasy, long-haired, caterpillar-on-his-lip-having dork son and fat little daughter. I selected a few movies, one with a blonde chick and Ben Stiller, that Adam Sandler movie and the Toxic Avenger.
I was horrified as I moved into line. I managed to get behind that disturbing family that probably lives along the putrid filth of the Missouri river-banks. The greasy son was attempting to flirt with the cashier. I was pleased that she was having none of it. I was also shocked that she was a brunette!
"...and you do realize there is a late fee on your account?"
"Oh fuck, I didn't see that one coming from a million fucking miles away," I thought to myself.
The nasty 40-something blonde made a few nervous comments, attempting to relieve her embarrasment with her primitive concept of humor. "That poor, sweet, phermone-oozing cashier," I drooled, "how does such a delicate creature end up in a dump like this, dealing with people like that?"
my mind wandered as the undesirables attempted to clear up some confusion regarding some coupons. "This Blockbuster always smells like it has a gas-leak," I noticed, "I wonder if it's because of idiots like this coming in all the time? Maybe it's marsh-gas. I wonder if there have been any U.F.O sightings around here?"
I was actually disappointed when the family finally squared away their myriad issues and got the hell away from me... and that poor sweetie behind the counter. I was beginning to enjoy the line of fantasy I had ventured onto and was actually at the edge of that twilight zone where you don't have any awareness of your surroundings.
Anyway, I was excited to actually have some contact with this particular employee. Not that my past experiences with Blockbuster employees have been entirely pleasant, but this one was different... I could tell.
I moved to the counter and she looked me straight in the eyes. Oh Jesus. Her eyes were green. I held her gaze for a few moments, savoring that beautiful deep emerald sparkle. She smiled. What was that line from "Sweet Jane"? "Heavenly white roses seem to whisper to me when you smile..." Mhmhmhmhmhmhm
"Did you find everything OK?"
"I guess. I think you guys need more crappy movies, though."
"We have lots of crappy movies," her green eyes twinkled.
"I was looking for Back to the Beach or Teen Witch."
"I love Teen Witch!"
I literally gasped. Could this be true?!
"That movie is horrifying!" I exclaimed, my excitement level reaching life-threatening proportions, "I hate it so much, I can't not watch it!"
"Well, you got Toxic Avenger... that's a good one!"
"Oh my god," I thought to myself.
"Did you see the one where he marries the blind girl?"
"I thought that was this one," I quavered.
"Was it? I don't remember. I saw them all on USA one night."
"USA used to be so good, they would always have good movies on..."
"...Up All Night," we sang in unison.
She giggled and I lost all capacity for speech.
"I need your..."
"Oh yeah..." I fumbled for my card, my nervous system tweaked into a taut, vibrating rubber band by the excessive dosages of antidepressants.
She rang up my videos and put them in a plastic bag. I handed her my money, shaking like the green leaves of a maple tree in a brisk wind.
That's when I noticed it. Her necklace. Some multi-colored beads... nothing unusual there. But, hanging from the necklace were two female gender symbols side-by-side.
My insulin level plummeted. My heart slowed. My kidneys clenched. My veins collapsed.
"Enjoy the Toxic Avenger!"
"i will. bye."
i shuffled out to my car. my shiny, blue beetle. i pulled out and the river-people were still waiting at the exit. i pulled up quietly behind them. finally, a traffic light gave them an opening and they sped off, their pickup spewing oily smoke all over my windshield.