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In Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I, I covered the basics of stealthy body contact.
In this installment, we take a break from the "real world" and explore the innermost depths of our subconscious. Warning! This episode is not for those with any semblance of a life. Though, I guess if you had a life, that would preclude you being here.
Prologue: (A Cat's) Ode to Joy
all is bliss in the window i rest
all is bliss in the gutter the nest sits
all is bliss in my mind i await her tongue
now that is a furball i would gladly digest
NOTE: This guide supersedes ESR's hopeless "Sex Tips for Geeks" which is, at best, utter fantasy based on experiences with a RealDoll and, at worst, will land you in prison for the rest of your sick, unnatural life.
EPISODE II: HARNESSING THE EROTIC POWER OF DREAMS
The sky was dark and the air was cold and blue as I watched for Diamond Dave and the group of alien governors. Of course, the weather had been mostly the same since the aliens arrived, for they couldn't survive here otherwise. They came and modified our weather to suit their own needs.
I guess it wasn't as though they hadn't been invited. NASA had decided to burn a message on a cd and sent it out on the Voyager Millenium Edition. Never underestimate the disastrous effects that can be produced by budget cuts. The message, which had originally been planned to be a welcoming in every known language and a collection of '70s mellow favorites, actually turned out to be four short sentences incompetently monotoned by Pat Summeral: "Come on by Earth. We have plenty. PLENTY. And more." Who could resist?
A whirlwind of leaves swirled past the bay windows. I decided to wait outside. I could do some work on the barn while I waited.
The barn was falling apart, but it would still provide a good nest for the cats. Cats had a very hard time of it since the arrival of the aliens. All wildlife did. The aliens built settlements everywhere, annhilating practically every spotted owl refuge and caribou park on the planet. The mass displacement of wildlife made it more difficult for the domesticated variety.
I continued arranging the park benches and tarp in the barn to provide some cover for the cats. I found an old sofa and decided to use the foam from the cushions to make a nice nest for them. I was busy tearing the foam into strips when I heard a rumbling. Thunder? Couldn't be. The pattern was different... like...
I was shocked as a heard of elephants stampeded into the barn. Cats scattered everywhere. Most of them scampered up a single slat of wood onto the second "floor" of the barn. But the elephants followed. They were Indian elephants too. Fucking foreigners. "Fucking Indians!"
The elephants frothed at the mouth. I had severely angered them. But I knew they wouldn't come near me, since I bore the mark of the aliens. I ran toward the elephants, first in circles, as they tried to avoid me. Eventually, one by one, they fled the barn, their trunks stiffened into the air, spewing foam.
"I hate Goddamn Indians."
I straightened the barn out while the cats hid in the corner upstairs. I heard the dieseling death-throws of Diamond Dave's car engine choking itself to a halt. Then the car doors. Three of them. Two alien governors had come with him.
I patted down some foam and rushed around front, into the yard.
The alien governors looked at me with their emotionless yellow eyes as they sipped blue cheese dressing. I nodded at them with a wrinkled nose, unable to hide my disdain.
"So, what do you guys want," I asked.
"I have a surprise for you, " Diamond Dave smiled.
I arched my brow, "oh?"
Diamond Dave turned to the blue aliens who stood stoicaly behind him. Still emotionless, the aliens stepped aside to reveal a stunning naked blonde woman.
Diamond Dave looked at me and smiled, "we combined your dna with hers. It's better than masturbation."
The naked blonde giggled and ran toward the barn. The fat in her bottom rippled with each step. I looked at Diamond Dave.
Diamond Dave smiled and nodded.
"Holy shit on a stick," I ran as fast as I could to catch up with her, "don't cry for me Argentina!"
The aliens guffawed, spewing blue cheese dressing all over Diamond Dave.
Fucking aliens. Just when you plan on killing them all, they give you such a gift.
Coming Soon - EPISODE III: FEELINGS