This list of events is by no means comprehensive, and some less important
events may have been omitted. Only the most
events of the past year
have been enumerated here.
- January 20: President George W. Bush brings honour and intelligence back to the
Standing brave and tall and representing all Americans, Bush pledges in his inauguration speech
to "build our defences beyond challenge, lest weakness invite challenge."
With his gentle yet firm leadership, Bush keeps his promise, and America stands impervious to
foreign antagonism throughout the dawn of the new millennium.
- March 6: After much controversy, the Soviet space
station Mir ends its fifteen-year mission and returns to Earth.
Its position in the sky is swiftly replaced by the far superior
American-built ISS station.
- April 1: The Chinese deliberately force down an American
spyplane, in order to pirate American technology and promote their
Communistic agenda. President Bush acts quickly,
though, and thanks to his brave leadership, the plane and its crew
are safely returned to the land of the free, where no enemy can harm
- June 1: Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal
exterminates the royal family
in a drunken fit, and chaos ensues as Nepal goes through
kings in four days. But while the Nepalese government
falls apart, President Bush draws the American government together
by nominating several new members
to strengthen his Cabinet.
- June 11: Oklahoma City bomber
is finally put to death for his mass murder, cleansing America of
his terroristic influence and ensuring that such a disaster will never
happen on American soil again.
- June 28: The Yugoslav government extradites former president
Slobodan Milosevic, betraying him into the grimy hands of the
United Nations despite
from his beloved citizens.
- July 4: As the world celebrates the birth of American freedom,
Adequacy, the Internet's most
controversial website, is launched
by a group of philanthropists seeking to promote
the discussion of the Truth in a world dominated by lies. The launch of
Adequacy ushers in a new era
of veracity and understanding to the once hostile and untrustworthy Web.
- July 16: Hackers attempt a hostile takeover of the Internet
using the deadly Code Red virus, which soon manages to control almost all
web servers on the Internet. This vicious coup-d'état is only averted
by the decisive action of AT&T to
block personal webservers from serving illegal music and child
pornography, thus protecting both American businesses and American
children in one brilliant manoeuvre.
- August 25: R&B singing sensation
Aaliyah's life is tragically
cut short when her Cessna 402 plane crashes shortly after takeoff, killing her and 8 other
inconsequential people. Computer criminals the world over mourn her
the singer and actress was to have a starring role in the sequel
to hacker documentary "The Matrix".
- September 12: The world takes a sudden
renewed interest in
the predictions of famous 16th-century prophet
- September 26: Because of the lack of newsworthy events, Adequacy editor
Peter Johnson takes matters into his own hands and
makes his own headlines.
After a long and harrowing battle with
chastity, he manages
to break the
Guiness world record for most passionate sexual intercourse on American
soil. When interviewed of the event, his only comment was
"several long months of celibacy went into that".
- October 25: The world of information technology takes
another giant leap forward with the release of Microsoft's long-awaited
Windows XP operating
system. This new operating system provides unparalleled
and security to consumers in a well-integrated and easy-to-use
package. Sales of XP drive the already-strong American computer industry to
even higher levels of prosperity.
- November 29: Former
Traveling Wilburys member George Harrison passes away
after a long battle with cancer. While still a powerful and influential musician and
songwriter, he unfortunately never had the chance to pen a song
as bold as, say, the Lennon-McCartney classics "While My Guitar
Gently Weeps" and "Something".
- December 2: American innovator Dean Kamen revolutionises the world
of transportation with his amazing
Segway device. Affordably
priced at a mere $8000, these gyroscopic marvels are poised to
completely replace traditional bicycles and automobiles within the
next decade. Atlanta becomes the first city to adopt and embrace the Segway.
- December 11: Encouraged by the strong and confident American
economy and high consumer optimism, the Fed reduces interest rates to
the lowest levels since 1961.
This brave move by Greenspan ensures that the Christmas season sees
America as the trading superpower it has always been.
Economically, militarily, and spiritually, the year 2001 has been an excellent year for America and her people. Our industries
are as strong and powerful as ever, and we Americans are more patriotic than we've
been since the
. Flags wave from every building and vehicle in
celebration of American hegemony. Our armed forces are strong and proud to
serve Uncle Sam. Grand strides in nuclear missile defence technology shall
ensure that America remains a safehaven for freedom and democracy in the coming
decades and beyond. Truly, the first year of the third millennium will be
remembered as a grand time for all humanity.
But what awaits us in the upcoming years and decades? With the nations
of the world at peace, and movements underway to further
unify our lives and economies, we can only
assume America's prosperity will continue to rise, along with the world as a whole.
No nation has a reason to hate America, and even if they did, our armed
forces are unmatched in fighting ability and our defences are impenetrable.
full-blooded American will tell you
how proud and fearless
he stands amidst the purple mountains and spacious skies of his fatherland,
where he works in comfort in one of our many
high-rise office buildings and
travels with our safe, friendly airline
industry. The great empires of Rome and Greece had their Golden Ages, but
then perished; there is no end in sight for America's own Golden Age. Barring
some unforseen, tragic event, America shall rule the world with fairness and
liberty to the end of time.