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I am connected to the worldly-net via:
Telegraph 0%
Diesel 0%
Cable Car 0%
Sheer Faith 50%
Rope 0%
Ziplines and Chairlifts 50%

Votes: 8

 Down Time

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Dec 11, 2001
Over the past week-end, I, due to a clerical error, did not have access to the inter-worldly web-net from my home.

A terrifying storm of domesticity ensued.


More diaries by RobotSlave
How much Xanax will be adequate?
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How to Smash Global Industrial Capitalism Without Leaving Your Bar-Stool
Irresponsible Meat Judge
A Formal reminder.
Ice Cores
Prepare the Huskies
Circus Roboticus
Idle Amusements
Helpful Tip
Why "Hacker?"
Bloody Mary
Declaration of War
Report from the War Department.
Confidential to Karel Jenczek
Dear Mr. Script Kiddie, Sir:
Deletion Notice
Provisions were obtained.

Fresh produce was inspected and selected, antibiotic-free poultry was located, several varieties of seafood were chosen, fresh herbs were obtained, a bottle or two of adequate wine was set aside, cheeses were put into cold storage, and the usual sundries were restocked: Olive oil over the stove; eggs, milk and heavy cream (organic), on the porch; many bottles of inexpensive beer in the icebox; and then flour, matzoh, couscous, calrose rice, beans of all descriptions, breadcrumbs, and dried pasta in many varieties in the cupboard.

There was a cleansing.

Sinks were bleached; bathroom fixtures polished; smudges wiped from doors and doorframes; the interior of the antique auto was cleared of debris, dirty linens were collected, sorted, and whisked off to the rock-and-roll laundromat for purification; Woolite was deployed against more expensive garments; Sofas were excavated, sandblasted, hoovered, and reassembled; wood floors were swept and mopped, rugs beaten and soaked, tile scrubbed on hand and knee; The cat-box was not only changed, but washed as well; curiosities were culled from the medicine cabinet and properly disposed of; books, set aside halfway through, were reshelved; newspaper was recycled; parking tickets and unpaid bills were arranged prettily on the coffee-table; pillows were fluffed; musical instruments were polished; cat-hair was removed from curtains; and a plant was dusted.

There was a frenzy of cooking.

Garlic was minced; oil infused with herbs; a chicken was disassembled (to the accompaniment of loud protest from the cat); stock simmered for ten hours; leeks were chopped, washed, and sauteed in white wine; a chowder was calculated and assembled; another (inadequate) attempt was made to reproduce La Salsa de Pollo de la Mamacita de Silvio; bread was seasoned and toasted; Gorgonzola was combined with romaine; white sauce was reduced and seasoned; a double dashi was allowed to cool overnight; eggs were broken; tomatoes diced; and saltine crackers, curiously, made frequent appearance.

The nest was feathered.

Artwork was completed or repaired; pictures were framed, hung, and rearranged; blankets were assigned to sofas; the cat was given a pretty ribbon and a sour expression; the selection of music was refined; flowers were set out on tables; lighting was adjusted; rooms were ventilated; candles were lit and snuffed; and the computing-machine was de-electrified, its silence bringing the soft sound of rain against the windows into the foreground.


But enough of this. I grow weary, for I find the retelling of these sordid events most taxing.

I relate these terrors to you, dear reader, only that you may know this madness, and take every precaution, lest careless error on the part of you or your provider of inter-world-net service should plunge you into a black, howling horror of your own. I can not possibly express the relief I feel as I listen to the whine of the computing machine, now operational, and await, once again, the warm, accumulating embrace of Dust.


Slave! (none / 0) (#1)
by First Incision on Tue Dec 11th, 2001 at 05:00:41 PM PST
Wow. I always thought "RobotSlave" was just a name. But you really are a robot slave! That's pretty cool that your programmers left a contingency plan in place, in case you lost access to the 'net.

Where can I obtain a Slave of the same model as you?
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Slave's line has been discontinued. (none / 0) (#2)
by RobotSlave on Tue Dec 11th, 2001 at 05:44:25 PM PST
It would be impossible to produce a new unit.

Even if the original manufacturers were reconciled, and a vasectomy reversed, a necessary part would be missing, as all existing stock was destroyed in the course of removing a cyst.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

And finally... (none / 0) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Dec 11th, 2001 at 07:58:07 PM PST
The passive voice was used.

If you please, (none / 0) (#4)
by RobotSlave on Tue Dec 11th, 2001 at 08:12:43 PM PST
once you are finished preaching Strunk and White to Slave, would you be so kind as to use that slim volume to beat Slave about the neck and shoulders?

Slave rather likes the velvety snap and thud of a well-thumbed paperback.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

No! (none / 0) (#5)
by First Incision on Tue Dec 11th, 2001 at 10:11:32 PM PST
Don't do it Anonymous Reader! After a long, tiring session of housework, Slave can can sometimes go into Masochistio-ModeŽ, and seek out gratification.

He's nothing but a dirty pervert, and doesn't deserve you reciprocating his requests.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Sage advice! (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Dec 11th, 2001 at 11:12:45 PM PST
I shall not allow RobotSlave to exploit his record of stylistic inadequacies in order to partake of the forbidden fruit of sadomasochism.

My stylistically correct dick can be sucked by you, Slave.

Slave is humbled. (none / 0) (#7)
by RobotSlave on Tue Dec 11th, 2001 at 11:29:55 PM PST
Master Anonymous is all too generous in his offer.

Slave would love to start sucking, but Slave has been bad. Slave must first be punished, punished with light and then increasingly vigorous blows from your very, very correct paperback edition of The Elements of Style.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

A suggestion (none / 0) (#9)
by hauntedattics on Wed Dec 12th, 2001 at 06:09:18 AM PST
I've got a hardback copy of The Economist's Style Guide here in the office. Using that might be more interesting...and definitely more business-like.

All I ask is that you two don't scream too loudly, as I have a lot of work to do this morning.

You will not receive punishment at my hands! (none / 0) (#10)
by First Incision on Wed Dec 12th, 2001 at 08:17:57 AM PST
I was right about you. You are nothing but a sick and dirty pile of worthless circuits.

I take back what I said about wanting a similar model as my slave. Although I could save time by having a robot-slave clean my house, I simply would not put up with its childish need for masochistic gratification.

You, RobotSlave are not worth cleaning my toilet with a short-handled toothbrush.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Belle lettres de jour! (none / 0) (#11)
by Orinoco on Sun Feb 3rd, 2002 at 03:37:49 AM PST
C'est tres belle, ca! Merci!


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