Adequacy front page
Stories Diaries Polls Users

Home About Topics Rejects Abortions
This is an archive site only. It is no longer maintained. You can not post comments. You can not make an account. Your email will not be read. Please read this page if you have questions.
The best way to lose weight
Gizmos 0%
Pills 16%
Illogical diets 16%
Giardiasis 25%
Amputation 41%

Votes: 12

 Weight Loss

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Nov 08, 2001
I've been thinking about losing some wieght lately. I would appreciate your input.

More diaries by zikzak
My espresso machine is broken
Art House/Indy Films: Going too far
Gin and CHiPs
Talkin 'Bout My Generation
Old Friends
Shapes, colors and textures
What am I supposed to do with all of this?
Oh blech.
The evening ended...
A thought from today's activities
Fundamental lifestyle change
Confessions of an editorial tyrant
I'm bored
Trouble with my thumbnail
Sad realization
A request (and warning) to our readers
Time for festive Holiday tunes!
Further adventures in late night television
Just curious
Exciting new diary
Saying Goodbye
Breaking News
Spikey-Haired Asian Chicks
Who are we?
I think it would be pretty exciting if I could lose about 130 pounds. This would put me at what I consider an ideal weight, and the benefits of shedding that mass would be impressive. The problem is, I'm not sure what is the best way to go about doing it.

There's all sort of nifty contraptions for sale on TV late at night, and that is definitely one possibility. I especially think those electro-shock pads could be very useful in my plan. I've also considered one of the more physical types of devices (bendy things with pullies and cables, mostly), but the ads always show people covered in a thin film of sweat. I think this is something to be avoided if possible.

So maybe pills? The miracles of modern medicine are not to be easily cast aside. However, I have already taken my fair share of Mini-Thins, and I have to say that the buzz is pretty atrocious. How about some new-fangled diet? Do any of you have experience with these things? I understand that there are some that let you eat as much cheesecake and bacon as you want as long as you avoid steamed okra.

This is such a perplexing conundrum. I hope the fine readers of Adequacy can offer me some genuinely useful advice. Although I have definitely ruled out bulimia, because I'm not very fond of vomiting.


Proven method. (none / 0) (#1)
by tkatchev on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 04:49:49 AM PST
Stop eating food products[1] that contain MSG and bovine growth hormone. Of course, since you live in the U.S., that means either moving completely to sustenance farming, or moving out of the country.

[1] I guess they are called that because they are made out of synthetic oils somewhere in a factory.

Peace and much love...

What? (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 10:12:59 AM PST
I suppose produce yanked outta some disgusting babuska's feculent backyard garden and sold for a wheelbarrow of rubles in the town square where the unemployed and consumptives watch stray dogs copulate is any better?

oh, sure (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 10:34:25 AM PST
ignore the fact that Russia wasnt always capitalist, why dont you

Yes. (none / 0) (#8)
by tkatchev on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 11:45:12 AM PST
Yes, it is. Anything is better than plastic vegetables.

Peace and much love...

Go organic (none / 0) (#9)
by Hagbard Celine on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 11:48:47 AM PST
At the risk of being called some vegan hippie scum, I'll let you know that you don't have to go out of the US to find food (minus the products) without growth hormones. I buy organic milk and meat without them from Whole Foods. (At least they say that on the label, they're probably just lying to me and charging me half again as much for shits and giggles) You could also just stop eating dairy and switch to soy milk. WHole lotta fat there. Though if you're losing 130 pounds you might just consider exercise. Crazy idea, but it worked for Rocky.


Soy Milk (none / 0) (#11)
by yellownumber5 on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 12:21:09 PM PST
Soy milk has more fat than 2%, and certainly more than skim milk.

heroin (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by venalcolony on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 05:35:21 AM PST
you'll acquire a tres chic haunted look and a girlish figure in the bargain

The difference between trolling and life is life doesnt have to make sense.

130 pounds?!? (5.00 / 1) (#3)
by bc on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 07:00:45 AM PST
I mean Jesus Christ, 130 pounds?!?

I've seen a photo of you, with rev. You looked bloody thin and gaunt in it. Does this mean you have expanded outwards at a decent clip since then? Or are you in fact completely imagining any need to lose weight - like a woman!

I don't know how anybody could lose 130 pounds and have much left. If I lost that amount, I'd weigh 17 pounds. What is your current weight? I suspect you are pushing the boundary of what is theoretically possible. Even when all your flesh is stripped off leaving but the chassis, you will still weigh more than (Your current weight - 130 pounds).

I mean, I mean, 130 pounds is, translated into UKian measure, 9 stone 4.

A decent looking, petite girly weighs in the 8 stone - 9 stone 6 range. You are talking about losing an entire girls worth of weight.

I urge you to visit a doctor or something, there is no way you can lose that amount and stay alive.

♥, bc.

Who cares what the doctors say? (none / 0) (#10)
by zikzak on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 12:05:55 PM PST
I never said I needed to lose 130 pounds, I just think it would be exciting.

What is your current weight?

About 130 pounds.

Just think of the possibilities! For starters, I could float around instead of walking. I'd never have to replace my shoes again.

Damn your "theoretical possibilities". I want to lose 130 pounds of my weight!

the fastest way to lose all (none / 0) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 01:36:02 PM PST
that weight is suicide

nah (none / 0) (#23)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 11:34:08 AM PST
then it will be preserved forever in the medical report

but if you commit sucide by cutting out your own stomach...

what a great idea... (none / 0) (#13)
by poltroon on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 02:21:05 PM PST
minus 130 would put me in the negative too. anti-gravity! Well, I guess the easiest solution, tho somewhat cost prohibitive, would be to launch yourself into space, or at least straight up at great speed, so you could keep your flesh and stuff.

Have you considered Communism? (5.00 / 2) (#4)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 09:45:43 AM PST
You could perhaps move to Red China. Provided you don't have some incredible physical talent that would get you in the Olympics, the rice and (rare) vegetable or meat diet would cause you to lose a lot of weight. If you spoke your mind, you could lose weight even faster after being exiled to Tibet or the westernmost Islamic provinces, or even sent to a reeducation factory.

A. Rightmann

Liposuction (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by dmg on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 11:02:24 AM PST
Its quick, and involves no commitment to exercise. Just ask Kenny Rogers

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

I recommend (none / 0) (#14)
by Mendax Veritas on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 02:25:07 PM PST
the Shylock method.

No way (none / 0) (#15)
by zikzak on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 08:23:06 PM PST
I'm allergic to iambic pentameter.

Not to fear (none / 0) (#17)
by Mendax Veritas on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 08:58:15 PM PST
Free verse is much less irritating.

exercise, damnit. (none / 0) (#16)
by osm on Fri Nov 9th, 2001 at 08:23:53 PM PST
the human body is like any other animal's body. none of them (with the exception of cats) were made to lay around and watch Leon all day.

beach (3.00 / 1) (#18)
by johnny ambiguous on Sat Nov 10th, 2001 at 07:45:54 PM PST
Move to a beach - my personally-researched recommendations are a.) Sunset Beach (the South tip of Treasure Island, Pinellas County, Florida) or b.) Holmes Beach / Anna Maria Island (Manatee County, Florida) - and walk four to ten miles a day, barefoot, in the fine, clean, white beach sand evulsed by the gentle currents of the Gulf of Mexico.

Daily, the beach sand will gently massage the soles of your feet, healing, by reflexological extension, each and every organ in your long-suffering body. The glorious Sun will make you sweat out decades's worth of stored toxins, suffuse your skin with beautiful and health-bringing melanin, and soothe the anxieties inhering our cooped-up condition.

You burn off a good three or four hundred food calories, atop of your ordinary metabolic wastage, in each hour of your easy, casual stroll. Shirtless, you unconsciously hold in your belly, relieving your aching betwisted spine of its poisonous, unnatural scoliotic burden. Free, free, free at last of any distraction more noxious than the sight of one after another beautiful, nearly-undressed women, your wits relax and your guts unclench. Every day in every way your soul grows lighter and so in parallel does your gross carcass.

You won't lose a hundred and thirty pounds fast. (Especially if you only weigh a hundred and fifty; it takes the actions of hungry worms to achieve so profound a weight reduction.) But even lazy I lost a good forty-five pounds of heart-choking fat in a mere year by way of such simple self-therapy.

By damn I was almost happy then! Why O why did I ever leave?

Yours WDK -

Getting into my Chevrolet Magic Fire, I drove slowly back to the office. - L. Rosen

One Word (none / 0) (#19)
by egg troll on Sat Nov 10th, 2001 at 09:18:48 PM PST

Not only that, but think of all you'll get done when you don't have to sleep for four days in a row! As long as you don't blow yourself up when you're working your meth lab, everything will be just dandy!

Posting for the love of the baby Jesus....

A serious suggestion (none / 0) (#20)
by First Incision on Sat Nov 10th, 2001 at 10:42:12 PM PST
This is a very simple diet that really works, and is safe.

First, no desserts. If necessary, allow yourself one dessert a week.

If you are looking to lose 130 lbs, you are either obese or insane, and have enough fat reserves to sustain yourself through a low calorie diet

Eat HALF of what you normally eat. If you normally eat 6 pieces of Pizza, eat 3. I'm sure you have sufficient math skills to figure the rest out.

You will be hungry, but that's how diets work. You may get weak from time to time (this will especially happen at first, before your body starts metabolizing its fat reserves), eat a slice or two of wheat bread, or something else starchy. You might also want to bring some healthy snacks to the office, like raw carrots, broccoli, or some fruit.

You're probably not eating a balanced diet right now, but at least using this simple plan, you won't be switching to something less balanced than what you have right now. Taking a multi-vitamin is a good idea too, in case the new diet cuts down on some nutrients.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

O.B. Hunger (none / 0) (#21)
by tkatchev on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 02:03:12 AM PST
Actually, eating several slices of rye bread a day will stave off hunger. It's important that you eat real European bread, not the corn starch ersatz you call "bread" in the U.S. A good rule of thumb -- if you can compress it to less than half of the original volume, it isn't really bread.

Peace and much love...

real bread (5.00 / 1) (#22)
by nathan on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 07:08:22 AM PST
Oh, great. Thanks for showing your knowledge of American culture from some Godforsaken Siberian pesthole.

Wonder bread != food. What I eat != wonder bread (when I buy bread, it's usually Viennese style or whole-wheat pita.)

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Bread (none / 0) (#24)
by First Incision on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 11:50:42 AM PST
This is where you are mistaken. Bread is a food product strictly defined by the Food and Drug Administration. I do not consider it bread, unless My Government says it is bread. And don't even get me started on the definition of pizza.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Seeing as you seem to be a citizen of the U.S. (none / 0) (#25)
by tkatchev on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 12:34:22 PM PST
I have to ask you, have you read the work 1984 by our fine British friend Mr. Orwell?

Peace and much love...

The pizza standard is needed! (5.00 / 2) (#26)
by zikzak on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 01:16:15 PM PST
I am totally fed up with all these new age idiots ruining the good name of pizza by including ingredients that God never intended for such a purpose! A pizza is a very narrowly defined item of junk food. It is not some gourmet delicacy that benefits from subtly and creativity.

Pizza is something that is very rigidly defined. It starts with a crust (and that's a thin, crispy crust, you worthless Chicagoans!) made from heavliy processed & bleached white flour. Wheat is not acceptable. Onto this crust is ladled a certain quantity of tomato sauce that is not overly spiced or sweetened.

Scattered over the sauce is shredded cheese (never sliced), and only certain cheeses are fit for this purpose. The base cheese shall be either mozzarella or mild provolone. In addition to the base cheese it is sometimes allowable for smaller quantities of parmesan of romano to be added. Other inferior cheeses, such as feta and goat, are absolutely forbidden.

If desired, additional ingredients may be included over the cheese. What follows is a list of the only allowable pizza toppings.
  • Pepperoni
  • Sausage (Italian only!)
  • Black olives
  • Onions
  • Green peppers
  • Mushrooms (just the plain white ones)
  • Anchovies (yum!)
The following toppings are allowable under limited circumstances, but their use has been deprecated:
  • Ground beef
  • Tomatoes (preferably Roma)
  • Ham
  • Pepperoncini
  • Bacon
No other toppings may be used! Spinach, broccoli, pineapples, jalapenos, chicken, and any other abomination is strictly verboten for use on a pizza. If you find any of these things desirable it is because you live in some uncultured backwater and have never experienced a true pizza.

New Standard (5.00 / 1) (#27)
by First Incision on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 01:37:31 PM PST
I propose a new standard. What you call "pizza" shall be known as "pizza." Everything else should be known as "novelty flying disc".
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Damn you. Now I'm hungry. (nt) (none / 0) (#28)
by nx01 on Sun Nov 11th, 2001 at 04:40:10 PM PST

"Every time I look at the X window system, it's so fucking stupid; and part of me feels responsible for the worst parts of it."
-- James Gosling

A suggestion (none / 0) (#29)
by hauntedattics on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 10:44:08 AM PST
You could always pull a Homer and order some subliminal weight-loss tapes to listen to while you sleep. Just make sure you don't get the vocabulary ones by mistake.

Of course, as I write this I'm eating fries and a chicken breast sandwich with cheddar and bacon.



All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. Comments are owned by the Poster. The Rest ® 2001, 2002, 2003 The name, logo, symbol, and taglines "News for Grown-Ups", "Most Controversial Site on the Internet", "Linux Zealot", and "He just loves Open Source Software", and the RGB color value: D7D7D7 are trademarks of No part of this site may be republished or reproduced in whatever form without prior written permission by and, if and when applicable, prior written permission by the contributing author(s), artist(s), or user(s). Any inquiries are directed to