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 Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode I

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Nov 27, 2001
So, you work from home. You talk to your cats and laugh at each other's jokes. You go on 18 hour sleeping binges. You have increasingly bizarre, episodic dreams. You are hopelessly - neigh, frighteningly - obsessed with at least two actresses. In short, you are a loser!

So, how do you obtain that human contact you so desperately crave, without putting yourself at risk for catching a nasty disease? In this new, continuing guide, I will show you how. This information, gleaned from years of professional experience, will show you how to score a hot date, without even asking anyone out!

NOTE: This guide supersedes ESR's hopeless "Sex Tips for Geeks" which is, at best, utter fantasy based on experiences with a RealDoll and, at worst, will land you in prison for the rest of your sick, unnatural life.


More stories about Sex
Lolita's World: The disturbing tendencies of the modern man.
Solving Teen Pregnancy
Homosexuality - Is it the next evolutionary step for mankind ?
Open Letter to a Stripper
The Sinister Secret of our Schools
Don't look at me.
My husband wants to do my ass!
'English Style Lovers', with jsm
I'm a teenager, and I want it bad!
I have not had relations for months!
My neighbors are foreigners, and they don't fly a flag
Should we circumcize our boy?
Active recruiting
My wife hungers for dark meat, and my nephew is a Commie!
My husband wants me shorn!
Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode II
My inlaws are not fertile!
Taboo: The Downfall of America
The Time is Right for Manual Sex
Help save a baby, and snowballs
The supposedly civilized Europeans. (A WARNING TO ALL AMERICANS)
It's all about the numbers
Caffeinated mints, and getting into the body you desire.
Why can't I get a second date?
The Heterosexual Geek's Guide to Feigning Homosexuality
I want a mistress!
Mommyism in the Workplace
Lesbian Parenting and the Myth of Gay Children
My roommate is gay! My roommate is a drunk.

More stories by

Natalie Portman Desensitized Me
Review: Planet of the Apes
Kicking the Cat
Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating: Episode II
Richard M. Stallman: Portrait of a Pirate Hacker (in Layman's Terms)
Taboo: The Downfall of America
Where Do You Stand in the GNU World Order?
Linux Zealot Gets Educated
The Motherland

One of my favorite ways to get the soothing touch of a woman's fingers through my hair is to go to a hair salon and get a haircut. This is probably one of the quickest ways to get instant gratification. Tell her you would like a shampoo before your haircut.

Not only do you get a nice scalp massage from an attractive young woman, you will also have several moments where her very mammaries are pressing against your (quivering) arm. I must say, this is just the thing I need sometimes. No dinner, no movie, no pointless chit-chat, just straight to the petting.

As an added bonus, if you have thick hair like me, you will enjoy listening to the fair lady cooing over your beautiful head of hair while she runs her fingers through it and presses her chest against you. Now that's bliss.

The only catch is finding an appropriate salon. You don't want just any old hag doing this to you. But that shouldn't be a problem. I can't even count how many hair salons are around my area and they usually seem to have only cute girls working there.

Of course, you can only get your hair cut so often. That's where the crowded shopping area comes in. Personally, I hate crowds and shopping areas, but sometimes the sacrifice is necessary. This should be particularly easy during this time of year, what with Christmas shoppers (mostly women) out and about.

The trick is to get into a particularly crowded area, such as the high-demand toy coming into stock at a particular time. Such events are jam-packed with young mothers desperate to please their spoiled rotten brats. Just work yourself into the crowd, "rub elbows" and enjoy!

Sometimes, you just don't have access to a crowded shopping area and your hair is pretty much cut down below your bleeding scalp. In these desperate times, you will have to rely on the old "clumsy oaf" trick.

The beauty of this one is it can be performed practically anywhere. All you need do is find a suitable "partner" in some public place. Move around with her - without letting her realize you're stalking her. Feel her movements. Move your feet with hers. Make sure she doesn't have some dumb lucky wife-beater with her. At just the right moment (you will develop a feel for this), walk toward her and then trip right in front of her. If your lucky, she will touch you (albeit in a somewhat maternal way) and brush you off as you regain your stance.

At this point, you may be tempted to start up a conversation and maybe ask her if she would like to go out sometime. RESIST THIS URGE AT ALL COSTS! Rest assured she is a heartless witch and will stop at nothing to rip your soul out and shit in the empty hole.

Well, that sums up Episode I of Uncle OSM's Guide to Covert Dating. I hope you get as much mileage from these techniques as I have. Stay tuned for the next installment: Harnessing the Erotic Power of Dreams.


Concerts (5.00 / 2) (#4)
by First Incision on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 10:33:44 AM PST
Don't forget crowded, standing-room-only concerts featuring attractive male musicians. Get there early, and stand near the front of the stage. Wait an hour or so, and soon you will literally have dozens of horny females pressed against you from all directions. Plus, since you are at this concert in the first place, they will think you are gay, and will find you less threatening.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Female orgasm. (5.00 / 3) (#5)
by tkatchev on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 11:52:50 AM PST
It is a widely-known fact that most young women reach physical orgasm when attending rock concerts. In fact, this explains the weird uncanny popularity of some mediocre pop musicians -- there must be something in the rhythm of the music that acts as a female-orgasm catalyser.

(The other orgasm-generator for young women is horseback riding; this explains the uncanny horse fetish many young women go through.)

Peace and much love...

What if the young women ride side-saddle? (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 11:59:23 AM PST
Would the orgasms still occur?

Doubtful (5.00 / 1) (#12)
by fractured clavicle on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 12:42:35 PM PST
Why do you think side-saddle was the appropriate method of horse-riding for women? To prevent unladyly orgasm!

i wonder (none / 0) (#7)
by osm on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 11:59:46 AM PST
why ESR failed to make note of that in his "sex tips". you know, put in an REM cd when making love to assure your partner reaches orgasm (not that i would personally care).

REM? Maybe for a whiney, mopy (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by typical geek on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 12:06:06 PM PST
college gal. I think AC/DC or KISS would give you better results.

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

yeah (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by osm on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 12:24:21 PM PST
i just couldn't think of anything ESR might listen to. maybe ted nugent.

ESR probably listens to country (5.00 / 4) (#11)
by typical geek on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 12:41:01 PM PST
or some other music where guns play a prominent role.

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

Yes (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 01:24:30 PM PST
ESR? He just has one tape... it's an answering machine tape, the "mobius strip" kind that is only 60 seconds long but loops back on itself so it can play forever.

It's the Carmina Burana, the part where the cannons fire, and visions of the Third Reich storming into London dance in his brain... But don't tell him I told you.

Huh? (none / 0) (#23)
by zikzak on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 09:18:41 PM PST
Cannon fire in Carmina Burana? Is that a Tchaikovsy remix or something?

cannon (5.00 / 1) (#27)
by First Incision on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 10:21:07 PM PST
I think you are confusing cannonfire with the combined sound of a drag played on the bass drum (preferbly the biggest, loudest you can find), and a gong. Being last chair percussion all through college, I didn't have a part for Carmina the year we played it. Dear God, how jealous I was of the percussion major who got to play bass drum on that. I was jealous of her boyfriend too, but that is an entirely different story.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Orf (none / 0) (#32)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Nov 28th, 2001 at 09:18:51 AM PST
Carl Orf has a recording where the timpanies (sp?) are replaced with cannons. ESR used his millions to obtain the original copy, which he guards with his firearms.

2 corrections (none / 0) (#41)
by First Incision on Thu Nov 29th, 2001 at 09:46:18 PM PST
Spelling: timpani (plural of timpano) Second, we are talking about a part played by a BASS DRUM, like people march with, or found at the bottom of drum sets, except tend to be bigger and more resonant. The timpani in the beginning of Carmina Burana are playing a sort of mechanical-sounding bass line.

And Orf is spelled "Orff."
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

'tympani' is also correct (n/t) (none / 0) (#44)
by nathan on Sat Dec 1st, 2001 at 01:46:55 PM PST

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

1812 Overture? (none / 0) (#35)
by sdem on Wed Nov 28th, 2001 at 06:29:17 PM PST
Either that, or the Star Spangled Banner (which also has the delightful 3rd verse that depicts something along the lines of "Their [British] blood has wash'd out their foul footstep's pollution." Curiously enough, the US Airforce took it upon themselves to change that particular verse and leave out the 4th one entirely.)

Lynyrd Skynyrd? (5.00 / 2) (#14)
by egg troll on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 03:01:45 PM PST
Seems like he'd appreciate anything where a wifebeater is appropriate concert wear. Southern fried rock comes to mind. Georgia Satellites. George Thoroughgood.

Posting for the love of the baby Jesus....

Please, allow me to update your understanding. (5.00 / 3) (#10)
by RobotSlave on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 12:39:05 PM PST
Horse-riding for the purpose of female orgasm had its sexological moment in history, but is today little more than a relic, a quaint fetish losing popularity even amongst the idle rich.

According to recent, cutting-edge sexology research, we are currently witness to the decline of the role of the rock-and-roll concert om inducing female orgasm.

Female orgasm is now supping at the table of Science. The rise in availability of specialized electrical appliances, made ever more reliable with each advance in materials science, lubrication systems, or neurobiofeedbackology, continues to render the old unreliable, inconvenient, and expensive techniques, such as the rock-and-roll performance, obsolete. Even the squeamish may purchase an electrical "therapeutic massage" device at any of the larger discount retailers.

It is a new day rising, indeed.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Re: Female Orgasm (none / 0) (#15)
by atrowe on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 05:32:10 PM PST
It's common knowledge that the female orgasm is nothing mor than a myth propagated by the porn industry.

There is no such thing as a female orgasm, or a so-called "G-spot", and anyone who tells you otherwise as a damned liar.

Males were given the ability to orgasm only because it is biologically necessary to eject semen in order to propagate

the species. This is not necessary for females Sexual intercourse should be reserved for reproduction only, and should never be initiated out of the selfish desire for illicit carnal pleasure. This is why God did not give Eve the ability to achieve orgasm.

A common misunderstanding. (none / 0) (#17)
by RobotSlave on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 06:12:00 PM PST
It is perfectly understandable that the lay person might hold beliefs such as those you express, for it is only in some of the most recent papers in sexology that evidence has been presented for a female biological response somewhat analagous to the male orgasm.

It will take some time for the new discoveries to percolate out of the scientific journals and into the popular press.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Lies and Deception (5.00 / 4) (#18)
by atrowe on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 06:30:33 PM PST
I don't need some tree hugging liberal "scientist" from Berkeley or UCLA to tell me what the Church has known for the last two thousand years is wrong because he did a bit of "research" and gave some grad students some marijuana to smoke.

That's what you get when you have a bunch of liberals like Clinton in the White House. They go around handing out grant money to any professor who wants to screw his research assistant or smoke dope in the name of science.

Do not think that your blasphemous acts will go unpunished. The Good Lord does not intend for the act of lovemaking between a husband and wife to be treated as some sort of recreational sport.

To reinforce my point, let us look upon the context in which Paul is speaking to the Roman Christians in Romans 1:21-25:

"21 Because, having the knowledge of God, they did not give glory to God as God, and did not give praise, but their minds were full of foolish things, and their hearts, being without sense, were made dark.
22 Seeming to be wise, they were in fact foolish,
23 And by them the glory of the eternal God was changed and made into the image of man who is not eternal, and of birds and beasts and things which go on the earth.
24 For this reason God gave them up to the evil desires of their hearts, working shame in their bodies with one another:
25 Because by them the true word of God was changed into that which is false, and they gave worship and honor to the thing which is made, and not to him who made it, to whom be blessing for ever. So be it."

As you can clearly see from this most poignant passage, the Lord gave us the ability to procreate so that we may pass on His word and His teachings to future generations. It is clearly not His intent for sex to be an enjoyable, fun act, and those who believe otherwise will soon feel the awesome wrath of The Lord.

Oh, I see. (none / 0) (#20)
by RobotSlave on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 07:08:41 PM PST
I thought that you might be a well-read lay person, of inquisitive bent, open to the odd scientific discovery in the field of sexology.

But no.

Instead, you're just another tiresome Goddist. You people and your debased Protestant Church of the Jealous, Petty Sand-God can get really shrill at times, you know? If you must preach to those of us who thumb our collective nose at your childish God, then please follow the example of the esteemed Mr. Rightman, and preach with compassion, and with an eye to accepting science into your Church when possible.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Well, that clinches it. (5.00 / 3) (#21)
by SpaceGhoti on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 07:09:41 PM PST
My wife and I are doomed to Hell. We're beyond redemption, at this point.

Oh well. May as well make the most of it.

A troll's true colors.

ha (none / 0) (#43)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 30th, 2001 at 10:31:21 PM PST
I believe that my parents only had sex twice, once for my sister and once for myself.

So... (3.00 / 1) (#33)
by ana on Wed Nov 28th, 2001 at 12:45:08 PM PST
If, as you say,
It is clearly not His intent for sex to be an enjoyable, fun act,
why did He bless us (and oooh, what a blessing it is) with the clitoris? It serves no objective function, but ooh, Momma, what fun!

Why not?

That's a tricky one (none / 0) (#34)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Nov 28th, 2001 at 05:34:10 PM PST
Yes indeed, it is almost as hard as the saw about where Cain&Abel got their wifes from. Hmm.

Might I suggest that the clitoris is but a temptation? The Lord put it there to test the faith of his female followers, seperate the sexual gluttons from the vestal virgins, as it were.

Yes, oh yes, YEESSS!!! that is the answer.


Yes, YESSS! (none / 0) (#38)
by ana on Thu Nov 29th, 2001 at 11:11:56 AM PST
But no, that's not the answer. Other than Schadenfreude (taking joy in someone else's pain) I don't think there's a human pleasure that has no legitimate expression. Nearly all can be taken to excess, of course, or used in inappropriate circumstances, but there is some purpose for these things.

Why not?

Shit... (none / 0) (#45)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Dec 2nd, 2001 at 11:32:38 AM PST
Don't tell me God doesn't smoke weed. Look at the duckbill platapus. In fact, I smoked a blunt with that nigga last week. Jesus (is he spanish or sumthin?) was coughing like a little girl.

Smoke weed everyday - Snoop Dogg

no such thing as the G-Spot? (5.00 / 2) (#24)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 09:32:12 PM PST
Nonsense. You can find your date's G-Spot at the bottom of a tequila bottle.

Female Orgasm (5.00 / 1) (#25)
by sputnik on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 09:53:38 PM PST
If you've never witnessed a female orgasm, there's probably something wrong with your technique.

There is no 'technique'. (5.00 / 2) (#26)
by elenchos on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 10:06:17 PM PST
Just put the tape in, hit 'play', and watch.

Fuck, man people today want to turn every damn thing they do into some kind of big deal, like it is this "craft" or something. I suppose that's how Marth Stewart does it, right?

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

You are just jelous (none / 0) (#36)
by opalhawk on Wed Nov 28th, 2001 at 10:31:51 PM PST
You are just jelous because I can cum for thirty seconds six times over in the space of an hour, and you only get one maybe two little squirts of 1-15 seconds if you are lucky. No wonder men feel the need to dominate the earth... there really is an inAdequacy there....

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Not real (5.00 / 1) (#37)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Nov 29th, 2001 at 02:01:05 AM PST
What is an orgasm? A crescendo of pleasure that leaves the person suffering it in a state of exhaustion, unable to contemplate any more.

The simple fact that a woman can want more after one of her so-called 'orgasms' shows that the experience in question is both less powerful than the male equivalent and really fails the defining characteristic of what an orgasm actually is in the first place.

Your weak experiences are but easily repeated, minr spasms, compared to the finality of the male climax.

Women don't really have orgasms at all; everything you have backs up this simple fact.

what you really mean: (3.00 / 1) (#39)
by nathan on Thu Nov 29th, 2001 at 01:07:11 PM PST
Is that most women are so sexually passive that their SOs are only barely aroused, and therefore have milk-and-water climaxes, so to speak.

Trust me. Once you've been with a girl who is able to be an equal partner, so to speak, unbelievable things happen. The intelligent woman doesn't believe everything she reads in Cosmo.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Actually, female orgasm does exist (5.00 / 2) (#40)
by Starship Trooper on Thu Nov 29th, 2001 at 01:21:55 PM PST
It just requires external equipment to activate.
A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace, and rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace

Sorry but... (1.00 / 1) (#42)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 30th, 2001 at 09:59:04 PM PST
you sound like a guy with a 3 inch penis who can't even hold out for 2 minutes. No offense :D

Deammm some of you people here truly amaze me... Female orgasms really aren't uncommon or anything.
Sure, some women fake 'em, but you can recognize a real one by muscular contractions (especially in the thigh area), animal-like grunts, when she squeezes you so tight it seems she wants to kill you, rolling eyes, and much nicer behavior afterwards. Practise dude. Practise with your hand if she won't let you :) I did, and it helped. Really, it's not THAT hard.
If all else fails, resort to cunnilingus to achieve the goal of climax.

Seems like my previous post on this topic got deleted, but i'm not just flapping my gums.

orgasm (none / 0) (#30)
by THC 1138 on Wed Nov 28th, 2001 at 07:17:39 AM PST
How does a real man know if a female has an orgasm?
A real man doesn't care!

How does it feel? Well it feels f**king blind. - b. k.

The more expensive, direct method (none / 0) (#16)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 06:07:21 PM PST
For those of you fortunate enough to be able to hire people to carry your money, I suggest this approach:

1) Go to a dimly lit street in the middle of downtown at night. If your city averages less than 1 homocide per week, you need to drive to a larger metropolitan area.

2) Locate a female wearing an extremely short skirt (if her breasts are almost falling out, that's also good.)

3) Approach her and, as casually as possible, offer her $300 for a date. (Be extra careful to make sure she isn't a cop. Cops don't go on dates. They're losers like you. Besides, no female has any business wearing a badge)

Not only will she gladly go on a date with you, but you can almost guarantee that you'll get a goodnight kiss out of the deal. If she wants anything beyond that, you should be extremely careful. You might have encountered a woman of ill-repute and you should make every conceivable effort to ditch her as soon as possible.

Oh my (2.00 / 3) (#19)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 06:57:55 PM PST
osm, you need to think about women less often.

Yes indeed, that is just the ticket for you.

your pal,

Oh my (3.00 / 2) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 07:23:45 PM PST
osm, you need to think about women less often.

Yes indeed, that is what you need to do.

your pal,

Uh (none / 0) (#29)
by tkatchev on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 11:32:08 PM PST
"Do not think about the white elephant", or whatever it was...

Peace and much love...

Don't overlook public transportation (5.00 / 1) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 27th, 2001 at 11:19:02 PM PST
Riding a crowded bus or subway can be a very effective way to come into contact with women. One popular technique, the celebrated "nerdnudge" consists of sitting in the aisle seat of the vehicle and waiting for a suitable (seatless) female to stand nearby. If it is crowded enough, and one remains perfectly still, the woman's leg or rump may brush against one's arm or shoulder as many as three or four times, given a little luck.

Anyone who wants to try this technique should remember it is essential that they keep their nose buried in a book (like Advanced Perl Programming) the title of which will indicate to the nearby woman that the reader is a clammy, sexless drone, and any contact between himself and her is entirely accidental. So we can see how a simple bus ride can leave us with many passionate memories of brushing against womens' lower body parts, as well as improved knowledge about the use of anonymous data structures and embedded C.

Get a job! (5.00 / 1) (#31)
by Blarney on Wed Nov 28th, 2001 at 07:19:13 AM PST
The number of haircuts that a man can receive is limited by the rate at which his hair grows. However, the number of haircuts that a man can give is pretty much unlimited! I find a good strategy is to find work as a hairdresser. You can even be paid to touch hot young women!

The best part of this is that most women will assume that you are gay, so they won't mind you touching them! It also helps to talk with a lisp, to discuss jewelry and accessories, and to wear an N-Sync T-Shirt and an earring shaped like a pink triangle. Don't be ashamed to make catty remarks about your nonexistent boyfriend constantly - women do that all the time themselves, so they'll sense a kindred spirit!

this is an obvious parody (none / 0) (#46)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Dec 3rd, 2001 at 08:33:41 PM PST
Wife Carol? Son Peter? Youngest daughter Cindy, who is prone to making up stories?

Even if everything else in the article were not so hilarious you people should have been able to pick up on the brady bunch references to debunk this story as true


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